Disclosure


December Several Years Ago

That morning, I knew something was terribly wrong by the way Devin kissed me good-bye.  It was reminiscent of how he behaved before my first disclosure in the previous August.

I trusted my instinct and searched his computer.  After a deep search, I found porn images from that morning and the last two weeks. 

“They’re old.”  He lied when I asked him about the pictures.

That afternoon, I went apartment hunting and talked to a lawyer after insisting I wanted the truth and telling him he needed help.  When I returned home, Devin handed me a piece of paper with his secret email addresses and passwords written on it.

He confessed to thirteen online affairs in addition to the online affair I found out about in August.

The next day

I woke up the following morning and went to work as if everything at home were normal.  But, I spent more time on my cell phone searching the internet for answers about sex addiction than I did performing my actual job duties.

What I found online was disheartening.  The relapse rate for sex addicts was high.  Incredibly high.  CSAT’s (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) were hard to come by, and I couldn’t seem to find any forums where women stayed with their husbands.  The only support forums I found were women who bashed their husbands for cheating on them. 

From an addict’s point of view, it didn’t seem conducive to me, yet it was all I had at the moment. I desperately needed to be around women who understood what I was going through. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, but I needed people around me who “got it.”

And the day after

Devin told me about dozens of online affairs he had during the course of our marriage.  He disclosed feeling up a woman who stayed at our house one night.  I wrote it all down methodically.  It was all I knew to do.

My world crumbled as he spoke. But it would only get worse.

And then day after that

As we sat in our marriage counselor's parking lot waiting for our appointment, he disclosed more names of women he had online affairs with during the past two years.

He told me about a co-worker.  She changed in his office one time.  It sent him into a fantasy world where he pictured her flashing him.  It wasn't difficult for the short affair to begin.  They ended up taking a shower together but nothing else happened.

Next was another random stranger he met on online but this affair ended with him getting oral sex from her after they'd spent the afternoon together.  My heart crumbled.

Finally, he told me about the last physical affair. Again it was another blowjob but this time from from his friend's wife. I didn't know the couple, thankfully.  It was here where I felt the first pang of sympathy instead of anger for my husband.  It was such an odd feeling to have in the midst of such pain. Devin hung his head low with shame and tears fell as he told me what happened.

We walked upstairs to our marriage counselor’s office whose best piece of advice to us was “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

Then we searched for a CSAT.  Thank God we found one.

8 comments:

  1. What can I say...you are such a strong woman for going through all that, and finally writing your BA ~

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    1. I am humbled you read this, Grace. I just put it up last night and truly didn't think anyone would take the time to read it because it's five pages long - that's long for a blog post, and you took time to see where it all began. Thank you. That means so much to me.

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  2. Thanks for sharing this. I am going through my own full disclosure now. Although it was planned, and not as traumatic as yours (discovery of porn, the anger, blowing up, etc.) it has been very difficult. Getting the extent of the acting out - realizing it was much, much more than I thought, having to face the changes to friendships, imagining the sordid details, seeing how tainted our early relationship was... it is all hard to process.

    Your story helped me feel more calm for reiterating to me that others have gone through the same pain, too. I guess misery loves company (how horrible!). Or maybe it's just validation - although I know it is normal to feel this way after hearing the things I just heard.

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    1. I thought long and hard about sharing this much information about my husband's acting out behaviors and my reactions to it on my blog. Then when I read a comment like yours, I know I've done the right thing, sharing so much of our personal lives and our journey on here.

      It's been two years since my first Disclosure Day and almost two years since the one you read today. I truly thought I'd never be able to move past the triggers I had. The feelings of anger, the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of hurt and mistrust. I was having nightmares, I was even having panic attacks. The first few months were horrid. I want that for no one but I see you have a firm grasp on your recovery. I didn't even have a concept of what recovery was.

      I was tired of hearing people tell me it took TIME to recover and I could do it...but dammit it they were right. It took TIME and work on my part.

      I did just like you did. I sought out other women's stories. I prayed they stayed with their husband's and prayed their husband's were sober. It was rare but they ARE out there.

      All this to say, I know you're in a good place, Beautiful. You are both in a solid recovery. You're both very much in love with each other and you are a strong woman.

      Much love to you.

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  3. This is just horrifying, I couldn't stop reading....What a life you've lived. Cant wait to rad more.

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    1. Thanks, Michelle. It sucked bad. But, you know how it goes too, and I'm sorry for that. The important thing is to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward and that's what you're doing. You're gonna rock it, Michelle!

      I felt it was important to journal this stuff out. It really does help. That's why I keep this blog active even though my recovery is going well. April is the A-Z Challenge and I chose to do sex addiction as my theme. I started composing the posts already - that's a ton of writing about SA ha ha!

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  4. Aw dear ! Csn you believe is my first time I read this?
    Many times I come here and first time.
    I knew many things but of course Im impressed with al you suffered dead.
    Like always I say: You are anazing dear
    xoxo

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    1. I kinda snuck it up there when I moved blogs. The only person who caught it during the move was Grace - yes, she is amazing just like her blog says ;)

      Be glad you found it now. When I first wrote it, it was five pages long. I was still raw from it all but now, I've healed and understand people don't need to hear every last detail of what happened. Love you hard, Gloria!!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.