Friday, July 29, 2016

Don’t Judge Me!

from Google

I walked around my house judging them. All of them. I laughed. Oh, how I laughed at my whole family. As the news stories of people filled my newsfeed on social media, then made national news, local news, and even showed up on my favorite show @midnight, I mocked them all…those silly Pokemon Go players.

And then it happened. Everything fell into place for me to succumb to its sickening grasp! I came home from work with a migraine. My immunity against the pull of the game lowered. Then, the power went out, leaving us with no air conditioning in the middle of a heat wave…but lots of data on our phones left to burn and plenty of gas in my car and its glorious A/C! (Turns out, it doesn’t use as much data as I thought - the game...not the A/C)

It wasn’t long before the curiosity set in. What were my children playing? What battle at the park? What the heck is a Charmander? Maybe I’ll just download it and take a quick peek. Two and a half hours later an alert came over my phone that the power had been restored at my house, but I quickly dismissed it. I was too close to getting to level five. No way we were leaving the gym now. Not when I could join Team Valor! Not when I could be just like everyone else I had been judging the last few weeks.

This damn game.

Hey, did I mention I’ve been playing for less than a week and I’m almost a level eight? No, I’m not enjoying it at all. Not one bit.

This damn game.

Are you playing?

TEAM VALOR FOR LIFE (or until I'm bored of the game)
(from Google)

Friday, July 15, 2016

An Apple A Day

I’m an addict. This is not news to many of you. I’ve been chemically sober from cocaine for close to twenty-five years, but I’ve only been emotionally sober for a little over four years. That’s a big gap. It happened because I was clueless that I even needed to be emotionally sober.

I was mostly happy on the outside. Good job. Great kids. But my relationships never seemed to fulfill me. I didn’t know I wasn’t happy with myself. I had some major issues to resolve that stemmed from childhood trauma that I swept under the rug…numbed with drugs…then swept under the rug again…and I needed to deal with them.

It wasn’t until my husband’s sex addiction disclosure that all that childhood trauma came back, along with the Relational Trauma, that forced me to look myself in the mirror and say, “It’s time to do something about the inner chaos you’re ignoring.” Or, maybe at that point, I was blaming it all on the PTSD. But by then, those symptoms had started to abate. I wasn’t fighting them on a daily basis anymore.

It wasn’t fair to blame my husband or his addiction for my lack of action in fixing me and the trauma that happened to me. Yes, he was partly to blame, but what was I going to do? Blame him forever for it? He couldn’t repair me. Only I do that. He couldn’t give me what I wanted. I wanted peace. I wanted serenity.

I started to work my S-Anon program. I made a promise to myself, one that I still keep today. I do at least one thing each and every day that’s recovery related. Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away. One recovery thing a day keeps slips away. (Don't care if it's drugs or hypervigilance!) It wasn’t easy, especially in the beginning because I was still focused on my husband’s recovery and what he was up to. Not to mention, I still had the responsibilities of kids, work, and a home, but I made the time. I found the more I worked on me, the less concerned I was with him.

There are days it takes work, lots of work, to do even just one thing in my recovery. Other days, I can dedicate several hours to reading, writing, sponsoring, volunteering, etc., but as long as I know I’ve done something, rather than nothing, I feel good that I’m not headed into a place of stagnation and complacency.

And some of you know, I’m in handful of programs, cause one just ain’t enough for this gal, so it makes it easier to choose from several different options each day.

Is there something you do everyday to stay on top of your game?

(Scheduling note: I'm taking next week off. Enjoy the hazy, hot days of July!)


Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I Can't Stop Myself! - An IWSG Post

My first Insecure Writer’s Support Group post in almost a year. Wow! I can’t believe how much I’ve missed everyone. It’s good to be back and with my self-help book, Steps Along My Shore, recently published too.

And boy has this book consumed me. I thought once it was published that was it. I’d be done. Ready to move on. I mean I should be done with it, right? Right. 

I decided not to do a blog tour because the book is targeted to a very specific audience: those affected by Relational Trauma caused by sex addiction, so why tour Blogger? I have my book being recommended by someone at Candeo Behavior Change. I’d say that’s good marketing, right? Right. Why would I be giving my book more than a thought here or there?


There’s always a but isn’t there?

I can’t seem to help myself from looking up the stats. Every. Single. Day. Sure the first few days I was busy fixing my screw ups. I didn’t have time. But now? Now I’m checking.

How many free downloads did I give away? 51. Is that good? I don’t know. I guess. I didn’t think to give them away on Blogger until a day after my original post went up. Hello learning curve.

I’m looking to see if I’ve made any sales. One day I’ll sell nothing. Another I’ll sell one. Then, I’ll go a string of days with zero sales again only to be surprised that two books sold. That leaves me wondering how they found me. Was it Candeo? Blogger? Another reader?

Then there’s the wonderful world of KENP. I pretend like I understand it completely, but I don’t. Not yet. Yes, I know it’s people who borrow the book from the lending library or who have Kindle Unlimited.

However, what I really want to know is what they're thinking as they’re making progress through the book. And then I don’t. Because if they think it sucks, then perhaps ignorance is bliss. So maybe too much information isn’t all that great. 

Why do I keep checking? Is it because I’m an addict and that’s my compulsive side coming out stemming from my low self-esteem? Or is it normal morbid curiosity? 

And why do I keep looking for reviews when I’m petrified I may find one that says the book was a total disappointment and didn’t help the person at all? Maybe it’s because I enjoy reading the three already there that say the book was good. It gives my fragile ego the boost it needs to write my next self-help book.

So, yeah. That’s where I’m at this month. Insecure. Curious. But also proud. I know this will pass. The need to constantly check on my baby to make sure she’s doing all right without me. Sure, I’ll still stop by, offer words of encouragement, (free promos and such), but now it’s time to move on to the next baby that needs me. Because lemme tell ya, that project needs some major work! My next self-help book is turning out to be a big undertaking.

And, to answer the question of the month, the best thing someone said about my writing regarding the book: "It's like sitting beside a family member while you read it. I felt that comfortable." That was awesome to hear.

How about you? Were you this obsessive about checking on your treasured release? If you haven’t released your baby out into the world yet, do you think you’ll be the same as me?


This has been a post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. It's a time to talk about our fears and doubts, or inspire others by sharing our success and happiness.  We’ve got a great bunch of people in this group and we’d love to have you join in on the fun too.  A big thank you to it's creator, Alex J. Cavanaugh.

Don’t forget to stop by and say hello to our fantastic co-hosts:  Yolanda Renee, Tyrean Martinson, Madeline Mora-Summonte , LK Hill, Rachna Chhabria, and JA Scott!