Monday, January 4, 2016

Starting Off With A Smile


Happy New Year! 2016. How long will it take for me to stop writing 2015? I’m guessing at least two weeks. I think that’s actually being optimistic. More like February before I’m consistently writing 2016 and not grabbing the ol’ bottle of Wite-Out.

I hope everyone’s New Year is off to a good start. Mine has been a bit rocky but I think it’s a matter of perspective. I can frame it to be complete crap or I can look at it through the lens of something more positive and that’s the view I’m choosing. Optimism.

I’ll start with the good first. My ever-patient friend, (and I think undercover angel) Bryan, sent back my self-help book. The critiques weren’t nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be.

I anticipated lots of corrections requiring major rewrites but that wasn’t the case at all. Just some suggestions on how to make it really shine. And since my wise and wonderful friend, Robyn along with my blogger buddy Donna have already read the “advicey” portion of the book; it’s almost ready for publication. Now that’s exciting news for 2016! I should have that bad boy to print in a couple of months. Yay for getting to help people soon!

The not-so-good start of the year was the discovery of Devin’s continued slips. To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement. Not in the slips. I don’t care about that. Really, I don’t. It’s his recovery. Not mine.

It’s the lies. Those get to me. No matter how many times I tell him how crazy-making they are, he continues to do it. The slips have been going on for a couple of months and I’ve known it. The red flags have been popping and I left it to him to come to me because it’s his job. I asked twice if he’s slipped and both times he said no.

As an addict, it’s an act of self-preservation. I understand that because I can relate from my days as an active addict. Sometimes an addict has to feel shame and remorse in the moment of acting out to stop the cycle of their addiction. And that’s what happened. I caught him in the act. He was looking at porn.

We talked it out and he figured out why he slipped. He discussed ways to prevent it from happening again and even offered to put a keylogger on his computer. While that is tempting, I don’t think it’s wise. Putting a keylogger on there leaves me responsible for checking up on him and I don’t want to be his accountability partner. If he wants to put some kind of restricter on his computer, that’s on him…not me.

So, again, I choose to frame the beginning of this year in a positive way. I’m going to focus on me. I'm going to work on my book that will help people heal from the trauma of discovering their spouse is sex addict, rather than worry about Devin and his sobriety. I think that’s a much better way to begin the New Year: with a smile on my face.

How about you? Are you starting off the New Year with a smile?



42 comments:

  1. That's awesome your book is almost ready.
    Devin does have to be accountable to himself first. You're not his mother, you're his wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm super excited about my self-help book. It's been a few years in the making. I've scraped it a few times, resurrected it, and now I think it's right where it needs to be: full of tips and advice with a touch of my light-hearted humor to keep it from being totally depressing.

      I agree. Devin needs to be responsible for himself.

      Delete
  2. The lies would bother me, too.

    That's wonderful that your book is coming together. You'll help a lot of people with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, the lies drive me bananas at times.

      I'm thrilled to be working on the self-help book again. There's just something about knowing how close I am to getting it out there that's refueled the fire!

      Delete
  3. I've had a bit of a roller coaster ride lately, but hopefully things have settled down now. That's life, eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's life for sure, always testing us one way or another.

      Delete
  4. I'm back to work for first time in 5 weeks... am I smiling about that?... ;-)

    In most departments life is better - I'm feeling close to fully well now. Only as I've slowly got better have I realised how ill I've felt for ages - looking back I wasn't really 100% well for the month before I ended up in hospital

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you're back at work, it means you really are on the mend...and that's fantastic! Funny how we don't realize how sick we are up until we're laid out flat and then in the hospital. I hope you're back to 100% soon and 2016 is good to you.

      Delete
  5. Great news on the new book indeed at your feed. I need 2 and a half months more of blog posts and I'm done for 2016 lmao that a positive thing? Same old same old here though.

    And yep, he has to be responsible for himself indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm super stoked about the book. I started digging in again last week. There's not much to do on it really so I'll have it done before I know it.

      Done with 2016 posts already? Geez, I think I'm good if I have my post done by Friday night for the following Monday! Goodness gracious, cat!! How do you do it??

      Delete
  6. My 2016 has been great so far.
    But today is my first day back to work, so that may change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to hear things are going well...at least until you get back to work. There is always that to bring us back to reality. Yuck!

      Delete
  7. So glad your book is almost ready! That's great! I'm too scared to be optimistic about 2016. Last year was so awful that I'm scared to see what this year is going to bring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm hopeful the book will be able to help a few folks get through tough times. I'm sorry to hear that 2015 was tough but maybe that means 2016 will be extra good because all the crap happened last year. We can be hopeful, right?

      Delete
  8. Hi Elsie .. so pleased your book has passed muster with your review crits and you can really steam ahead with it. Difficult about Devlin - but you seem to have your life under control and having some positive going for you is the essential bit ... good luck and with lots of thoughts - cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was blessed to have some great assistance with my book. People who weren't afraid to be honest but not be hurtful either. I'm one lucky person, that's for sure. Yeah, Devin is having a rough time in the emotions department and it's with that understanding that I can see why he slipped and he may slip again. He's facing some demons that he doesn't want to and until he comes to terms with them, it's going to be a battle for him. This too shall pass. Thanks, Hilary!

      Delete
  9. Lies make everything worse. It never makes sense to me why peole do that other than being afraid of the consequences or embarassment.

    Here's to a great year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, lies just suck out loud. I think people lie for exactly what you said, they fear what will happen if they don't. Here's to a great year for you too and enjoy your new home!

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. I am beyond excited to release this book!! Thanks, Fran!

      Delete
  11. This might seem counter-intuitive but...
    You know, you could just quit caring about whether he's slipped or not. Believe what you say and let him be responsible for himself. When you confront him with it, even just asking, you are being the responsible party. If you don't want to be that, then DON'T be that. If him looking at porn is a problem for you, then state that clearly:
    "I want to be with you, but I can't be with you if you're going to invest your time in porn."
    After that, disinvest yourself. If he keeps doing it, then leave. Make it real. Make it be his choice. It will never matter if it's not his choice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For me, it's not counterintuitive to ask because I chose to stay with him knowing he's an addict. It's a risk I take being married to an addict but one I'm willing to take. The only one I won't accept is cheating. That's where the line is crossed and I walk away from the marriage. Or if the slip becomes a relapse and that's why I ask. Because I'm in a place in my own recovery where I can tell the difference in his response to me when something is "off." A few years ago when I was so enmeshed in him, so unhealthy, I couldn't say that. I wasn't in my right frame of mind. That's why writing this book is so important to me. I want to be that voice for other people so they know they can still be in a healthy frame of mind and stay married to a sex addict as long as that addict is working on their recovery too. It's not about being perfect. It's about constantly working on ourselves. That's what I see in my husband and that's why I stay with him. If all I saw was him failing at his recovery, I'd walk away. Thankfully, I see so much more.

      Delete
  12. Sometimes its hard to find the good in disappointing situations. At least you recognize those cherished moments. Reality checks on yourself are also good in such a volatile relationship. Be brave, and give yourself permission to think of you sometimes too. You are still in recovery also.

    I do try to be positive, but I am a glass half empty girl. On the positive side of that, I don't get as disappointed/devastated as most people when things do not work out :)

    I love it when my crit partners don't mark up my ms too badly. I like to feel I've learned something about the craft of writing, but every story comes with its unique pitfalls. You have great news already, that's an awesome start to the new year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'm a glass half-full kind of gal and I think that's also why I've been able to navigate through recovery so well. That and a warped sense of humor helps too. I've also got a great support group surrounding me and I give myself plenty of me time. I never used to do that, but now, I know I deserve it. Especially when the shit hits the fan, I take a lot of down time, journal, walk, hit the beach (unless it's freezing out), soak in the tub, all that fun stuff. I stopped feeling guilty about it a long time ago. (Funny that it took something like this to make me pamper myself huh).

      But enough of me...thank you for taking the time to read the first draft of my self-help book. Back when it was only, what? 90 pages? Boring and bland to say the least. Now it's got me in there. My humor, my flare and it's so much better. Just ask me, I'll tell ya :) Happy New Year!!! I hope you're doing well, Donna. You deserve it!

      Delete
  13. In the end, you're each responsible for yourselves. I really wish I had some wisdom to share with your husband, but I can only say it's a long road. And you'll walk it everyday of your life, you can't change that. YOU (him, that is) can control how you go about staying on the road, as well as how hard you try not to go off the side. My prayers are for him. And for you, because it is just as hard for you to maintain the attitude you have fought so hard to gain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your words to him and to me are wise, Chris. And they are appreciated because they are not just well thought out, they are true. It is a long road, it is one well traveled and lots to be learned along the way. Our attitudes are vastly different right now. Mine remains optimistic. HIs, well, right now he's down on himself but with time it will pass as he sees he is flawed but that's okay, it doesn't define him, it shows there is room for improvement. Thanks, Chris.

      Delete
  14. Hi Elsie, so happy to hear about your book. Wishing you much success with it in 2016.
    Life has been kicking my arse, but knowing that everything has to come to a conclusion eventually, helps keep things in prospective.

    Sorry to hear about Devin though. I think you're right to take a step back and to let him come to you first.

    All the best for 2016!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lily! So good to see you! I'm super elated about my book. I'll be putting in a big chunk of time on it soon so it should be ready for release in the upcoming months. Maybe in time for those relaxing at the beach ha ha Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  15. Yes, you are his partner and not his mommy. Stay focused on you. Your spirit is ever-inspiring.
    Thanks for linking to me, my dear. I can't wait to have the book in my hands.
    Love you, and thanks for your support too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should have that book in your hands in the up coming months. Hot off the presses for you, my friend. It's been fun to write it, I've learned a ton about myself in the process. Hugs to you!! Hope you're doing okay.

      Delete
  16. Congrats on the book and that is something you should be proud of. You should also be proud of how strong you are in dealing with someone who is an addict. Most would have bailed but you have not and that is a testament to your courage believe it or not. He has to be accountable to himself not to you because otherwise you are not his wife but his police officer, parole officer, mommy, etc... I think you are so right to deal with you and think of yourself and how to help you for the new year ahead. This is the hard thing to do for anyone even when they are not dealing with what you are. I found last year to be uneventful. I am glad nothing bad happened but to say last year was boring is kind of sad. I need to be more active, if I can't too much in body, then in mind. This is always tough

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the kudos. It took me a long time to write the book. But like you said, although I wasn't all that active in body, walking around the block or on my treadmill was about as active as I got last year (even yoga fell by the wayside last year), my mind was active. I think having things to do is what kept me for policing Devin and worrying about his addiction. After disclosure I was consumed with his addiction and with him, now, not so much. I've come to realize it's his job to worry about until my boundaries are crossed. When (if) that happens, I walk. Have a wonderful New Year!

      Delete
  17. My 2016 has started off pretty great, I like to have positive thoughts about how great this year will be for me and those I love. Having a neat freak and little bitch living with me means I have a pretty clean house just saying

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm happy to hear your 2016 has started off great! I haven't written the wrong year on anything yet, not even at work. Impressive for sure! Here's to good things for all!

      Delete
  18. Happy New Year ~ We can all try to do the best we can, but unfortunately, we can't control others, just ourselves ~ Focus on your writing and editing and do what you love most ~ Blessings and cheers for 2016 ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Writing is such a wonderful thing to focus on. I'm so blessed to have rediscovered it a few years ago. It was like finding a buried treasure. Happy New Year, Grace!

      Delete
  19. Happy new year, Elsie. Congratulations on the book, I can't even imagine how exciting all of this can be. As for everything else, well I'm sorry you've had to go through it all, but you guys are stronger than you let on. You'll both rise from this a stronger couple. I'm sure of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, D! So great to see you! Thanks for the kudos. I can't wait to release it. I need to buckle down and carve out some editing time. (Ugh, editing!) We really are stronger than before and in such a better place than ever before too.

      Delete
  20. I'm sorry you've had some rocky patches but it sounds like you are handling it all as best as you possibly can. Congratulations on your book being almost ready to go!! That's wonderful news. Take care, Elsie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've learned a lot over the last five years and getting through these rough patches is one of them. Thankfully. Thanks for the well wishes, Julie and Happy New Year!

      Delete
  21. Hi Elsie,

    Oh my and despite the tough times endured, you, my kind friend, understand that you are not accountable for the actions of others. I can, in my own way empathise with your experiences. Indeed, you have to focus on your hopes, dreams and aspirations, as best you can. The proof, and amazing as it is, under your circumstances, that your book is just about ready. Thank speaks volumes of your resilient nature.

    A peaceful, 2015, um, 2016, to you and to those who may learn to understand.

    In hope and kindness,

    Gary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Gary! I hope you are doing well and weathering your own storms with your the inner strengths that you possess. You are an inspiration and a bright light that brings much light and love to our blogosphere. Happiest of New Year's to you!

      Delete

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.