Monday, November 23, 2015

Quotes of Steven Wright


from Google
Since most Americans will be talking about Thanksgiving and things they're grateful for, I thought I’d go a different direction. I mean, c’mon, I bore you guys with gratitude talk all year long because it’s part of my twelve-step program. Instead, let’s highlight the comic genius of Steven Wright with some of his best quotes:
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

  • All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend....but she left me before we met.

  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

  • If everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something.

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

  • Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

  • I intend to live forever...so far, so good.

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  • If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
To my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving and to all my other blogger buddies, be well! I think we'll put our tree up this weekend, anyone else excited about the upcoming holidays? How about shopping? Mine is just about done. We decided to make it a more "economical" Christmas this year so I didn't have much to shop for.

As a side note, my blog will "go quiet" for a bit. I will be taking a break from blogging until after the New Year and focus on my writing. You may see me from time to time but perhaps not. Everyone enjoy your holidays. Merry Christmas and here's to a Happy and Healthy New Year!

41 comments:

  1. Steven Wright is hilarious! One of my favorites of his is when he goes to the 24 hour store but they are closed and when he asks, they say they are open 24 hours, just not in a row.
    Have a great Thanksgiving. We are decorating this weekend as well. Kicked off the holidays this weekend and ready to enjoy the ride through New Year's.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He really is a comic genius. I love his skits because he makes you think. Just like George Carlin. Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving too. I'm glad I'm not the only one decorating this weekend too. I used to do it later on but we just love having the tree up early and enjoying it longer these days.

      Delete
  2. That made me chuckle. Brilliant indeed. Greetings to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I could make you laugh this morning. Have a great one!

      Delete
  3. lol some really good ones there indeed. The cat approves. What? Running away for the rest of the year? I suppose you can't stress that old one eye out too much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, Wright is hilarious. Don't worry, Pat, I'm sure I'll pop in here and there. I just won't have a regular Monday schedule. Be honest, you know you'll miss me and my young one eye!

      Delete
    2. Young one eye doesn't have the same ring

      Delete
  4. Steven Wright is a genius -- these are all so funny! Have a wonderful holiday season, Elsie, and see you in the new year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to watch Wright back in the 80s. He was in his prime. i don't see him much anymore. Too bad really. You have a great holiday season too and I'll pop in now and again. I can't stay away for too long.

      Delete
  5. I see you decided to leave us (temporarily) on a funny note. Cheers to successful writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always leave them smiling. Not sure who said that, but it's a solid piece of advice! Thanks, Robin!

      Delete
  6. I like Steven. He's cleverly quick-witted. Thanks for sharing the funnies. I needed that.
    Love ya, friend, and much productivity to you on the writing front. Much love to you on all other fronts.
    Happy Holidays.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Robyn. Wright is very quick-witted and super clever. I have another idea for a fictional book I'm tossing around. Those voices in my head are getting louder. You know how it goes. :)

      Delete
  7. I'd not even heard of him before. I know, I know, I live under a rock. But now I have and I have a strong desire to hear (read? watch?) more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, you don't live under a rock. You're just much younger than me. Sad but true. Yeah, take a look at some of his Youtube classics. He's gotta have some videos on there from the good ol' days. And by that, I mean the 80s.

      Delete
  8. Oh man, I love Steven Wright. Those quick one liners are so clever and sometimes you have to stop for a minute before you realize what he just said.

    Okay, so I'm about halfway through the book. I think the biggest compliment I can pay you is that I completely forgot that I was reading a book by someone I actually know. By the third chapter, I wasn't reading something written by my friend Elsie, I was reading a book by an author.

    I understand where your head is at this time of year and why you need to get away from blogger. We don't do a big Christmas either. The holiday has been so changed by the crazy, rampant violence of Black Friday and we just won't feed the money driven beast that has become Christmas.

    Wishing you and yours the very best over this Holiday Season!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! I love when a comedian makes me think for a second or two or even three. And there aren't many comedians like that around anymore. My son and I watched Last Comic Standing last season and there was one guy who made you pause for a moment or two but he didn't make it to the end. Too bad, because he had a ton of talent. Wish I could remember his name.

      Thanks for the kudos on the book. I appreciate it. That really means a lot.

      I made a decision not to shop at stores that are open on Thanksgiving this year. If they choose to open their doors on a holiday meant for families to celebrate than I choose not to shop there this season. It's just too much nonsense.

      Merry Christmas, my friend. I'll see you around Blogger, I'm sure!

      Delete
    2. A lot of those stores are now going to open on Thanksgiving. Which is horrendous. I have to wonder what has gone wrong with our world that people would rather spend time at a store rather than time with family. And I think Black Friday has the potential to be very dangerous this year. Tempers over political issues are so high, add that to the threat of terrorism and peoples general insanity and you've got yourself the perfect storm.

      That's a good policy not to patronize those stores. Really are dollar is the best way we can tell our governments and our corporate overlords just what we think. And it's real power right in our hands.

      Delete
  9. Hi Elsie - I'd never heard of Steven Wright before .. but if I had and he talks out those sorts of quips - I wouldn't have forgotten him .. brilliant - love them ..

    Enjoy the decorating and the build up ... and good writing .. cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Hilary. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season too. I'll be bopping around the blogosphere a time or two most likely. Just not on a "regular" schedule.

      Delete
  10. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! Steven Wright's a riot. He went to the same college as I did (although he graduated quite a few years before I did (1978, and I was 1986).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How awesome is that? You guys could run into each other as alumni or something one day haha. Seriously though, that's really cool!! Happy Thanksgiving!

      Delete
  11. These are great! Now I have a few things to think about for a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's good for that. Making you stop and think for just a moment or two before you start to chuckle as it sinks in.

      Delete
  12. I estimate at least ten of these applied to my day today! The list includes... included... well, in conclusion, this was funny. Except for the ten that applied to my day. And the two about laziness, because they are true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, some hit a bit too close to home on some days for me sometimes. Probably why I like him so much. Hope things are brighter for you today, Chris. Loved your post the other day. Wise words and thought provoking.

      Delete
  13. I'll have to come back and finish reading them later. :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it's a lot to process but worth the read for a good chuckle. See you soon.

      Delete
  14. I don't celebrate American Thanksgiving but enjoy your weekend. As for xmas decor, that went up ages ago, right after Halloween. Even the outside tree which is sooooooooo flippin' pretty.

    He's a funny guy. I've liked him on everything I've seen him on. Good stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're funny! I can't believe you decorated for Christmas so early. I thought we were terrible buying our tree before Halloween and here you are with your decorations up already. :) I hope you'll take a picture of the tree outside and share it with us. Or did I miss that already? I'm not around on Blogger as much as you are. hehehe

      Delete
  15. I find Wright brilliant! I love his deadpan delivery because you don;t expect his style of humour but it so works and it is so intelligent. Since my mom is German, we celebrate the First of Advent which is 4 Sundays before Christmas. The first of Advent is this Sunday and I make my own advent wreath which I hang from the ceiling with 4 candles. It is the day one starts playing Christmas music too. (is it to or too?). Enjoy the season and your writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, yes, yes!!! The deadpan delivery is exactly what makes it work so well. You nailed it, Birgit! I loved when we were stationed overseas because of the holidays. They celebrate so many beautiful holidays there and some of the most festive and prettiest decorations. I just loved it over there. And it's "too" :)

      Delete
  16. Great one liners - don't know him but that's probably as he's not made it this side of the pond.

    Happy Thanksgiving and good luck with the writing in the New Year

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's been around in the States forever and a day but never really "made" it like Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock but still was fairly popular back in the day. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Graham.

      Delete
  17. OMG hahahaha. These are great! Thank you for your wishes. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad they gave you a chuckle. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Deborah!

      Delete
  18. Hi Elsie,

    The speed of dark is the same speed as the speed of silence. I love that classic list of yours.

    Enjoy your break from here and have a peaceful holiday season, my friend.

    Gary :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Happy Thanksgiving ~ Merry Christmas ~ Enjoy your writing and Happy New Year ~

    ReplyDelete
  20. I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving! Xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wright is so funny LOL. Thanks for sharing these.
    I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving and that you have a very Merry Christmas, Elsie!! I am excited for the holiday season this year too. See you in the new year! :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I like Wright's low key intellectual humor. He's on a par with George Carlin.

    Hope you're enjoying your time off.

    Arlee Bird
    Wrote By Rote

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.