Monday, September 21, 2015

A couple of weeks ago one of my blogger buddies, Graham, sent me an article he saw online written by Brian Whitney, a sex addict. It really got me thinking. I love when someone's writing can make me do that. It made me realize that while we’re all different, couples going through sex addiction can share many similarities. 

The first thing the article said to be on the lookout for is lying. About everything. Yep. Devin fit the bill. He lied to me about the tiniest of things not just the biggies. As Devin worked on his sobriety, the lying continued. It was so engrained in him, he had to make a conscious effort to stop. 

Cheating was the next thing Whitney discussed. Sure, lots of guys cheat, but does that make them sex addicts? In most cases the answer is no. Some are just narcissists. But others are addicts. You have to look for additional signs. In Devin’s case, cheating occurred as his addiction escalated.

Next on Whitney’s list was the lack of long-term relationships. Here is where Devin differed from the author. Devin’s first marriage lasted eleven years and he never cheated on her. (Yes, I wondered why but that’s a post for another day). After the marriage failed, Devin found online dating and the seed of the addiction was planted.

Excessive masturbation was another red flag. All I can say to this is: Ding, ding, ding! I wasn’t aware how compulsive the behavior was until after disclosure of his sex addiction. He hid it that well. And it’s still something he struggles with when he’s not in a healthy state of mind.

Whitney also warned about kinky stuff in the bedroom. This was never an issue with Devin. I was more into risqué stuff than he was. For him, it was more of a fantasy than reality. I don’t think he wanted to picture his wife, the one woman he didn’t objectify, in that light.

The article also warned about secrecy regarding cell phones and computers. Again, this one hits home when it came to Devin. His phone was never in the house. It was always on the charger in his truck and I didn’t have a key. While his computers weren’t locked down, he did click out of whatever he was looking at when I walked in the room. It took a long time, and his descent into his addiction, before I started catching him closing out porn sites. Thank God those days are over. It took months for me not to trigger when I heard the click of his mouse.

The next warning Whitney discusses is someone who is extremely confident and controlling sexually. Devin doesn’t even come close to this description. His low self-esteem carried itself into the bedroom along with other areas in his life. He was far from confident and continues to be his own worst critic.

Another thing to be aware of is flirtation. I’m not sure Devin fit this bill except when he was at the worst in his addiction. From what I read in his emails to other women, he did not so much master the art of flirtation as he did being just plain blunt and crossing boundaries. And trust me, there are plenty of women out there who don’t mind what kind of attention they’re getting as long as they’re getting something.

Another indicator you're involved with a sex addict Whitney warns against is manipulation. Devin was a master manipulator and was able to turn things around on me in a matter of seconds. Before long I wouldn’t know if I was coming or going and was more than willing to take the blame for whatever was wrong.

Lastly, the article says if you think you’re partner is a sex addict, they may just be. I have to agree with Whitney. Most people don’t wonder if they’re spouse is an addict. Whether it’s porn, masturbation, and/or multiple affairs, if you’re questioning the compulsiveness of it, go with your gut because it’s probably right. 

What have you read lately that really got you thinking? 

Monday, September 14, 2015

A Kick in the Pants

I’ve lost my oomph. I don’t know where it went but I need to find it soon. I think I misplaced it over the summer months. When I find it I’ll have to dust it off. Then I’ll polish it so it’s nice and shiny and looking brand-new.

My goal is to get back into the routine I had before summer arrived. I need a kick in the pants to get started though. I was working out the mornings I didn’t have to work, and then I’d get some writing done, do some housework, and even knocked out a project or two.

Now, I’m lucky if I workout twice a week. That’s pretty sad for someone who only works part-time and has a treadmill staring her in the face everyday.

I have no more excuses. The kids are doing their own things, as they should. Plus, Devin found a job and will be starting school at the end of this month.

All that leaves me with plenty of down/alone time. Now I have no more excuses. It’s time to get my rear in gear….well…with the exception of getting to the beach just a few more times.

Best of all, Bryan from A Beer For The Shower, finished editing my book. That man not only has a heart of gold, he has the patience of a saint. He had to fix all my grammatical errors – you know – the ones you see here post after post. Poor Bryan had to remove hundreds of commas because I’m the comma queen! All that’s left for me to do is insert chapter breaks and figure out the cover. I think it’s safe to say I’ll be done in a month or two. Yay me!

Are you still in summer mode? How do you motivate yourself?

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Summer is ending? An IWSG Post

September? My calendar must be wrong. The summer can’t be ending. It was too much fun for it to be over already. **double checking wall calendar** -well, hunh, lookey there…it really is over.

I’d be lying if I said I was happy to know the cooler weather was on its way. I’m not. Not even a little. But with fall comes football so at least I have that to look forward- oh wait. I’m a Giants fan. We’ll be lucky if we break even this year. Stupid JPP and his fireworks accident. Ugh! 

There must be something awesome about the arrival of fall. Ah, yes! I got it! I can get back to blogging and become active in the Insecure Writer’s Support Group again. Hooray!

This month I’m not feeling insecure at all. A little scared because my mafia book is almost completed but that’s a post for another day. I actually feel good about my writing because I’ve gotten quite a bit done on my self-help book over the last couple months.

It was a good idea for me to put it down then pick it back up again after some time passed. It allowed me to get back that perspective I had lost. Time to remember just how far I’ve come in my healing process and as a couple with Devin. Time really did make my heart grow fonder for the book that once had me feeling so insecure and confused about my writing skills. I’m an awesome writer. Just ask me; I’ll tell ya.

I’m still on track to have it finished by the end of the year. Maybe not published, but at least in its final editing stage. That makes me super happy and super grateful for all I’ve learned the last two years when I decided to really buckle down and be an aspiring writer instead of imagining how cool it'd be.

How about you? Did you have a good summer too? What adventures did you have while I was away? Were you able to fit in some writing along with some playtime?

(Side note: I have work today so I'll pop in on everyone later this afternoon.)

~~Thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh for making the IWSG happen.  You rock!~~

This has been a part of the Insecure Writer Support Group. A place to talk about your struggles and your joys. Please join in on the fun. We'd love to have you.  Special thanks to the other co-hosts: Julie Flanders, Murees Dupé, Dolorah at Book Lover, Christine Rains, and Heather Gardner!