Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Who Cares What People Think? - IWSG Post



Join in on the fun!
Happy Anniversary IWSG!!

It’s the first Wednesday of the month and you know what that means - it’s time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group.  Our lovely co-hosts are:  Laura at My Baffling Brain, Mark Koopmans, Shah Wharton, and Sheena-Kay Graham.    Be sure and thank them for their hard work.

A big thanks to Alex Cavanaugh for making it happen, you rock, Alex!

Funny how things show up in my email just when I need to read them.  As most of you know, I’ve been working on a self-help book about recovering from finding out your partner is a sex addict. I want spouses to avoid making the same mistakes I did after I found out about my husband’s addiction.  I provide tips and coping mechanisms to get through the relational trauma that comes from the discovery of the addiction.

As I write, there is this lingering doubt in the back of my head that this book will help anyone or turn out the way I want it to.  I fear what other people will think about the advice I give or how well the book is written.

The other day, I was letting those insecurities creep in when I came across this in my email:


You’re right, Kristen Wiig, it is dangerous to worry what other people think (and you were great in my favorite comedy, Bridesmaids!). 

I need to remember why I started this book - I couldn’t find anyone who’d written anything like it four years ago except doctors and counselors.  I figured who better to share advice than someone who has been through it?  

Recently, I found a couple of books on Amazon written by the spouses of sex addicts and I am excited.  It means that we are starting to have a voice, that the addiction is being taken seriously, and that gives me hope.  


I can’t wait until I have finished writing my book so I can join them on Amazon!
I couldn't help but post this.  It cracks me up.

60 comments:

  1. There you go! Remember, write the book you want to read You are. And it will help others - believe!

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    1. That's great advice, Alex. I try to do that when I write fiction but sometimes it gets a bit harder with non-fiction for some reason. I think if I can overcome my fears about what others will think, I'll be okay…but that's going to take constant reminding! :)

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  2. That Kristen Wiig quote really does have a lot of truth to it. It we curbed our creative instincts for fear of offending, nothing would ever be created!

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    1. I love that quote too. She's such a great comedian. Lord knows I have this fear of offending people. Most of the time I can quell it, but sometimes, not so much.

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  3. I still don't know why anything related to addictions and sex should be so difficult for people to talk about. I guess I've been Europeanized....

    Thumbs up for you, Elsie.

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    1. oh, yeah, I think it's a U.S. thing. They have to show a warning on the television if there someone's naked butt is shown. Most addictions don't have a stigma attached to it, this one definitely does. People think they're all a bunch of pervs and that's just not the case at all.

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    2. My Dad was an American but I tell ya, people could discuss anything with him. But then he turned all crazy and my Mom had him kicked out of the house. So, yeah, he may have been different. ;)

      I don't think they're a bunch of pervs.

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  4. We wouldn't ever try anything new or creative if we worried what others thought. What's funny is most people aren't thinking about us. They are just as worried about what we will think of them.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Diane, such a great point. Most people really are too worried about what others will think rather than judging those around them. Thanks for that reminder - super!!

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  5. I love that quote! Thanks for sharing it. That's something I've struggle with for years. What if the book I want to write isn't good enough? I've come to realize that it doesn't matter if it's "good enough". Good enough for who or for what? What matters is I write the book that is in me, that NEEDS to be written. We are the only ones who can write the books inside us. Write your passion! Write loud what you need to say. It WILL speak for those who need to read it. Best of luck to you in finishing and getting your book out there!
    ~Jen

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    1. Hi Jennifer, what a great, inspiring comment. Thank you so much for your kind words. It's good to know there will (hopefully) come a time when I will no longer worry about what others think of my writing. Maybe after I've had a few books published, I'll feel better about it all. =P

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  6. it is dangerous...but we seem wired to do it...to wonder...to want to be accepted...
    and affirmed by others...it can really get us off track though when it starts
    to guide our decisioning...

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    1. That's the important part to push past, not allowing it to effect our writing style and the story behind it. I think I'm doing pretty good with it but when it comes to actually publishing it…we'll see how well I do. haha

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  7. that's a great quote. I need to hang it in my craft room as I've been very discouraged as of late!!! Do you have a tentative ETA on when your book will be published?

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    1. You have zero worry to be discouraged. You are a very talented artist/crafter. Your work speaks for you and I suppose mine speaks for me too. :)

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  8. That's great! And it's good that others are starting to write about their experiences, too!

    I don't know if you've ever heard of Girlfriends, but they had an episode dealing with it, too. It was the first show I'd seen touch the subject.

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    1. I've never heard of Girlfriends. I'll have to see if I can find that episode though. I'm always curious how shows depict the addiction. I saw one show where they totally made fun of it but not in a mean way. More like, hey, this is a real addiction but we can still laugh about it.

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  9. Go for it and let the chips fall where they may.

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    1. That's what I'm going to have to do. Keep pushing myself to write the best book I can to help others.

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  10. Love the quote. Sometimes we really need to merely listen to what really moves us, to what our inner voices dictate,,,

    Best of luck to you for your book!

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    1. Such sage advice, thank you. Sometime my inner voice gets so loud I HAVE to write to let her out ;)

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  11. Oh No-don't give up! There are so many people out there who will never talk about this topic and yet, they secretly look for books about it to help understand the addiction and what they went through and coped. There are so many books about alcohol abuse and drug abuse and addiction. I am a credit counsellor and know where to send people for help in this area but another area that nobody talks about is Compulsive spending. It is made fun of and people judge this addiction and there is no place I can send a person to for self-help and there are no great books about either. I takes one individual to bring these addictions to the foreground. You will see how many people will contact you about sex addiction and not feel all alone.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Birgit. You're right - there are just some addictions out there that people seem to think it's okay to make fun of, who does that? I'm thinking people who aren't so secure it themselves. Food addiction is real too and people tend to overlook it. I'm glad you educated yourself so you could help your clients if they have a spending addiction. People need to know they aren't alone on their journey.

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  12. The cat has lived by that rule since he began. What people think doesn't matter at all in the end. Although sometimes it makes good blog fodder and can give the cat a rant hahaha and if they don't like it, they can go pound sand

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    1. Yeah, I've seen you write about a ton of topics and never pause to worry what people will think. It's a brave attitude to have, not that I'm saying the cat is brave or anything.

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    2. lol wrote about everything from zombie feet to bird crap to rants about medical crap, nothing is off limits to the cat. Haven't tackled religion though, maybe one day

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    3. ooh, now there's something people will give you plenty of input if you don't agree with them!

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  13. I can see how it would be difficult writing from the heart, not wanting to be hurt., but it is the best way to have people relate. Here is a big YOU GO GIRL!! I hope that helped..

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    1. Sometimes it can be a bit rough to just let it all go but I try to remember my goal is to help others move forward. So, yeah, that helped a lot. Thank you!!

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  14. That is a fantastic quote, and a perfect, perfect one for the IWSG. We should all get that tattooed on our foreheads, LOL.

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    1. Dang, I should have had that done instead of the skull and crossbones! ;p

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  15. I'm sure your book will help someone who is going through what you have gone through. We all get to the point where we doubt what we're doing. The important part is never giving up.

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    1. I agree. I need to keep my eye on the prize and keep trucking through my doubts.

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  16. Great advice. We're so much more productive and free-spirited when we stop caring about others' opinions about us.
    Undoubtedly, your book will impact many more people than you realize. Keep at it, Elsie. You're onto something really big and really important.

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    1. It's hard to release those at times. I wish I could be one of those people who just didn't care what others thought but, ugh, those thoughts still creep in from time to time. I hope I can help someone! :)

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  17. I couldn't have said it any better than Alex did. So I'll just say... HE STOLE MY COMMENT AGAIN!!! That makes the 157th consecutive time! Wait'll I get my hands on...

    ...I mean, what he said. ;)

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    1. Alex always seems to have the best comments. Always spot on, so I goes that means you do too! Great job, Chris haha

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  18. Doubt is an ugly and mean little guy. Don't listen to him.

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    1. He is a mean bugger. I just need to learn to kick him in the pants and move along.

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  19. Love the quote and it seems like you came upon it at just the right time. Kudos to you for writing something that will help others!

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    1. Me too! I love when the inspirational quotes I get in the email everyday fit just perfect. Thanks, Julie!

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  20. Haha, I LOVE that saying. I need to hang it by my computer.

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    1. I know right! I should make it my wallpaper. haha

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  21. That's a good quote Elsie ~ Don't give up to those doubts and fears ~ Wishing you happy week ~

    Grace

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    1. Happy almost weekend, Grace! I'm going to keep pushing past those fears and who knows, maybe I'll have it ready to edit by the year's end.

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  22. That should be the motto for ALL of us, yes? You will help many other people, and that's what you should keep in mind. Good luck!

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    1. Yes, it should. It's hard to shake what other people will think of me and my work. But, I'll keep going and move past those fears. Thank you!

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  23. With this being a serious self help book, what people think matters. How it affects them matters and it matter that it is done properly. For creative work the quote holds does hold true. But for this, your audience is paramount.

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    1. I think that's my one of biggest fears. Aside from being judged on my experiences and how well I write, I worry that I think I'm helping someone but then make matters worse. I almost wish there was a counselor I could get to read it. I'm careful to remind people that what I talk about helped me, and that I'm not an expert just someone who's been through it.

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  24. I love this post.I love how you are.
    You rock!
    Hugsssss!
    xo
    Gloria

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    1. Keep on talking!! haha You are far to kind, Gloria. Much love to you and your family!!

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    2. To you too dear Elsie!
      Im with a terrible headache todauy dear:(

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    3. That's right, Gloria... you have terible headaches too. How come there isn't this special pill that can cure everything? Is that really asking too much?

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  25. I had a conversation about this with a friend a short while ago. He was feeling down because of what people think. He told me that everyone says it doesn't matter what people think, but in reality most of us always care. I think he's right, deep down inside we always care, but deep down inside we know we don't have to. We do what we can, and sometimes if what we can only reaches one person at least that's one person we touched. I think that was worth it to him, and I think it should be for a lot of people.

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    1. I agree with you and your friend. I'd love to be all, "meh, who cares what people think? Def not me!" But, I'm not. I'm too riddled with insecurities to have enough confidence not to care. I also think people with a lot of confidence still have that concern drift into their brains from time to time. How can you help not worry, even if it's only a tiny bit?

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  26. It's hard to block out what other people think, but it's important not to let what others think stop you. I think you are really brave to tackle such a personal and traumatic experience. But you have insight, and even helping one other person cope would make the struggle to get your book written worthwhile.

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    1. You nailed it Fundy. Knowing that I could potentially reach just one person helps me push through my fears. Maybe not quite past them, but certainly through them. It is a tough topic to navigate and like Anne said above, it can be important how I write my book because it could potentially impact someone in a big way. It's a scary thought.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.