Monday, August 18, 2014

Helping Myself and Others

Since my kids have been away, I’ve had time to work on my self-help book.  As I weeded my way through it, I discovered I have a long way to go before it’s finished.  At first I was disappointed with how much I have to edit, but then I realized I want it done right not fast. 

My mentor was correct all those long months ago when he recommended I take some of the narrative crap stuff out of it.  When I first started, I had the writing bug. I wanted to tell a story and help people recover from the effects of sex addiction.  Now that my first draft of my fictional novel is done, that itch to tell a tale has been scratched (at least for a little while.)

My non-fictional book had way too much personal stuff in it.  It resembled my blog more than a self-help book.  Sure, it’s great to be able to share my stories with others by giving them my personal experiences, but, geez, I was on sharing overload.

I remembered just what kind of book I wanted and needed after disclosure four years ago.  The last thing I wanted were sordid details of somebody else's marriage. I was trying to recover from sex addiction disclosure, not relive it. I was searching for someone who had not only been there, done that but also shared my hope that a marriage could survive after uncovering the addiction and betrayals.

I admit, it’s been hard to revisit some of the hurt to overhaul this book and make it better.  But it's helped me too.  So much of the junk that used to trigger me doesn't phase me one bit these days. I reminded myself that the things that happened in the past were just that - the past.  We are both better people in a stronger marriage now.

The anniversary of my first disclosure is fast approaching.  I thought by now it’d be just a blip on the radar of my life.  But it’s not.  It’s still there.  Although it lurks in the back of mind rather than in the present.   I suppose on that day I won’t wake up with the affairs being the first thing on my mind the way they used to be.  For that, I’m thankful.  I’m also experienced enough to know that it’ll wander through my brain at some point during that day and that’s okay.  I’ll allow myself to grieve for a moment or two but will make sure I remember how far we’ve come.

Then I’ll do what makes me happy.  I’ll write, blog, chat with others, and not allow myself to wallow in the past but learn from it instead.

Are there things in your past you wished you forget?  Have you learned from any bad experiences?

Monday, August 11, 2014

Why Ruin Lunch?

“What’s wrong?” Devin asked.

“Nothing.  I’m fine,” I answered.

“Bull. Something’s wrong.  I can see it in your face,” he stated.

The waitress came over and took our order.  I hoped her brief interruption would force Devin to change the subject.  It didn’t.

“Well?” he asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” 

I busied myself with the silverware.  He took out his cellphone and checked his email. Several minutes ticked by.  After a few more minutes, we were finally ready to move on with our lunch date.  The awkward moment a thing of the past.

On the car ride home, I told Devin what happened in the restaurant.  I triggered and I didn't want to ruin lunch talking about his sex addiction.  He figured as much but it took him by surprise, it’d been so long since I’d had one.  I agreed, I hadn’t had a trigger in months.  But, that’s how they work, they just pop up out of nowhere.  Usually at the worst times.  Like when I’m trying to enjoy a lunch date with your hubby.

So, now what?  

Well, I guessed I needed to take a look at what I’d done this summer with my recovery work.  Ugh, that was painful.  With no meetings to attend, I allowed my recovery to grow stagnant.  And, since Devin’s recovery was going well, I hadn’t worried about my own.  I was complacent.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I needed to get myself back on track.  For me, that means helping someone who is going through what I’ve been through.  I checked our S-Anon email and answered several inquires about our meetings.  One of the women responded back to me in minutes.  I assured her she wasn’t alone.  Several years ago, I walked the same path she was navigating now.  I let her know that things did get better.  All it took was work.  It was a great reminder for me.

That done, I set to work on my self-help book.  The more I do, the closer I’ll be to getting it published so I can make it easier for others in this crazy world of sex addiction. That’s my hope anyway.  

Do have a project you've been putting off?  How do you motivate yourself?

As you know, I was on vacation and as tempting as it is to bore you with pictures, I’ll spare you.  At least with this post.  I make no promises for any upcoming posts.  So, please bear with me while I catch up on everyone’s blogs.