Wednesday, April 23, 2014

"T" is for Truth: A-Z Challenge

T is for Truth

Today I’m writing about the TRUTH.  Cue the dramatic music or play this clip from A Few Good Men:

“You can’t handle the truth!”  

Um, yeah, I can.  Settle down, Jack. 

It seems I’m not alone in my pursuit for the truth either.  Bing it and you’ll find hundreds of sayings.  (Or Google it, if that’s more your thing. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bryan.)



Devin was full of shit lies in the beginning of our marriage.  His sex addiction caused him to deceive me about everything.  He lied about the store being out of yogurt to not looking at porn.  Truth telling was rare back then. It also caused him to stumble over his falsehoods.  It’s hard to keep lies organized.



When I found out what Devin’s addiction caused him to do, it hurt me like no pain I’d ever felt.  I went through the five stages of grief to cope with the loss of what I thought had been our marriage. 

I denied what I just learned.  It was impossible I had been so damn clueless.  That led to anger about the porn and the affairs.  I bargained with God, “Please God, don’t let this diagnosis of sex addiction be real. I’ll be a better person if You just make this go away.”  I alternated from depression to anger – not just at Devin, but at myself, God, my job, my health – anything to help me from not feeling sad.  Finally, I accepted the truth and my reality.  I realized his addiction was not my fault but I had some serious work to do - on me.


I discovered that as much as the affairs hurt, the lies hurt more.  I felt relieved to finally know the truth after being told it was all in my head.  Time after time, I questioned Devin about how much porn he looked at and was told I made a big deal out of nothing.  I ignored my gut instincts and trusted in deceits instead.  Being told the truth allowed me to start trusting myself again. 



Knowing my husband is a sex addict was scary at first.  I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle his diagnosis.  It turns out I’m a better person for knowing the truth.  It forced me to take a good look at myself and figure out why I accepted his lies as truths. His honesty put me on a path to a great recovery and a happier, healthier marriage than I ever thought we could have.

Have you been lied to?
Did you give the person a second chance or kick them to the curb?
 ~~~@

This post is part of the A-Z Challenge.  Wanna see more?







34 comments:

  1. My wife knows honesty is the one thing I value above all else in our marriage.
    Lies are complicated. Keeping them straight is near impossible. And they require too much effort! The truth will indeed set you free.

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    1. Honesty is one of the most valuable things in our marriage. It was the lack of it that caused so many problems. He still has to work on keeping things out in the open for fear of being criticized by me, coworkers, whomever - it stems from lack of self-esteem. I'm glad you and your wife know how important it is to keep.

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  2. Honesty is always valuable. It is true that the foundation made on lies and deceit is hollow and cannot sustain the weight of the institution that is Marriage. It's wonderful to know that what followed was a healthier and happier marriage.

    - Kripali
    (AJ's wHooligans)
    A2ZFiction

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    1. My fellow wHooligan! I hope the A-Z is treating you well. I'm still having fun. Those first few years of our marriage were built on an empty shell. It collapsed under the weight of his addiction. I'm truly surprised we made it through. I think it has a lot to do with sheer determination on both our parts. And love. Lots of love. =)

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  3. I allowed my ex husband to lie to me throughout our marriage. He'd apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again and then it would. He was mentally ill and an alcoholic and it just got worse over time. I begged, pleased, joked, shamed, screamed, cried, bitched....he didn't care. When I said I was done and leaving him, he burst into tears, begged for another chance and asked me why I didn't tell him I wasn't happy. Meanwhile my now fiance' was the one who had also been lied to and cheated on by past partners so gaining and keeping his trust was really difficult at the beginning of our relationship. He was suspicious of everything I did and/or said. He still has his insecure moments but so do I. It's a work in progress but so far so good.

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    1. I remember when I went through the same thing with Devin. I'd catch him in a lie, he'd say he was sorry and we'd move forward. Then, he'd just say he wasn't lying. I wasn't seeing what I thought I was and I believed him. I slowly thought I was going insane. It was really, really bizarre. I can't explain in a short comment how it felt. That feeling of being manipulated ever so slowly. I still can't believe I fell prey to it. Addiction is one powerful mo fo. JoJo, I am so grateful you found your way out of your first marriage. I'm so glad you now have Russell and you and he worked through the damages you suffered separately, together as a team. Now, you're a strong couple, despite what you've each been through. You deserve that!!

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  4. one of the scariest things that I've learned in my little life is that truth is a very relative category :( Everybody thinks their view is the true one.... I've even seen people who strongly believe that what is a lie is truth for them....

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    1. When it comes to addiction, the truth is sobriety. There is no in between. You're either sober or you aren't. That's why he has his inner, middle and outer circles so he can determine his recovery work and if he needs to step it up or not. Now, other truths…those can have some blurred lines if the person telling it wants them to be smeared.

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  5. Twenty years ago, I was in that position too of learning that an entire relationship was built on my partner's lies. Big fundamental lies involving drug addiction and infidelity. Partner, meet curb. That's how I dealt with it and have never regretted it for one second since. Deal breakers are deal breakers.

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    1. That must have been so difficult, Debra. Good for you for having the strength to walk away with zero regret and best of all for finding someone even better for you now.

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  6. Yup. My dad stole part of my inheritance after my mother's passing, and then denied he did this. Still denies it, although he repaid the money. I kicked him out of/let him back into my life several times. Currently he's in my life, but in a very limited way. I think I'm at the point where I accept his limitations and no longer expect him to change, but maybe there's still a little girl wanting her daddy's love buried deep...who knows. I am better for knowing the truth.

    Best regards,
    Elizabeth

    PS: Visiting from the A to Z sign up page

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    1. Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for stopping by! I'm so sorry your dad took part of your mom's inheritance. I went through something similar with my brother. It was very difficult to let go of the whole situation. It sounds like you are developing some strong boundaries with him and that's a good thing to keep you from getting hurt again. I imagine it would be hard to be hurt by your dad, we all want to be their little sunshine. Hugs to you!

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  7. The truth is much better any day, let the truth fly I say. Lie to me and that is that, depending on the lie of course, some little thing like did you pick your nose, is fine lol lie away. But the big ones, the curb is where they hit

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    1. I could totally see you cutting someone off from your life for deceiving you, Pat. You don't put up with any crap from anyone. Well, except me. You put up with a lot from me!

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  8. Being lied to would be the most painful. Without trust, the whole foundation is shaky.

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    1. It was really strange, Lu. The lies really did hurt more than the affairs. It was like the rug had been pulled out from beneath me. Everything I thought was real wasn't.

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  9. It's better to know the truth even though it hurts. Eventually everything comes out anyway and lying just prolongs the inevitable pain.

    I think we've all been lied too in our lives. The magnitude of the lie and how it impacts my life is the determining factor in whether I kick someone to the curb or give them a second chance.

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    1. For sure, Anne. I think if it's like, "No, no, honey, this turkey is delicious!" Meanwhile, it's dry as hell and resembles jerky, we all know it, but no one wants to ruin Thanksgiving, let's just have a drink and crunch on our turkey and tell mom how great it is, that lie is fine =P The ones that kill self-esteem, trust, faith, love, etc. Not so much.

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    2. When I ruin a meal I do kind of want them to lie to me and tell me it's good. Then watch as they try to find creative ways to dump it in the bin without my knowing it. If I go to the bathroom and come back and everyones plate is suddenly clean, I know what's up and I just smile quietly on the inside.

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    3. hahaha - I'll have to write about all the creative ways my son used to hide his food. I think I touched on it once on my old blog. He used to feed it to the dog, hide food under food, give it to his sister/brother, hide it under the fridge. That boy didn't eat. Now, he eats well!

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  10. My ex-husband was liar. It took me a long time to realize that he lied about unimportant things. (Like your yogurt at the store example.) I didn't get it. Why lie about things that are irrelevant? Then I realized that lying was just so ingrained in him that he couldn't help himself. Could I have gotten past his lying? I don't know. He never quit and it eroded our marriage. In fact, he wouldn't acknowledge his lies. However, he was also a verbal/emotional abuser. I felt that we were propelling fast and hard toward physical abuse and I think had I stayed we would have gotten there. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. My self confidence was at an all-time low and I had no faith in my own ability to judge anything. For me, getting out was the BEST thing I did for myself. I am not sure I would be alive today had I stayed. So, for me, leaving was the right choice.

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    1. I glad you got the hell out of there, Robin. It sounds like you were in not just an awful mental environment but a potentially dangerously physically environment too. I'm glad you never gave yourself the opportunity to find out. You showed strength of character by being able to walk away from him. You definitely made the right choice by walking away.

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  11. Im agree with you dear absolutely I prefer the true and is not easy:)

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    1. Even when the truth hurts, I'd rather have that than a lie any day. xoxo

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  12. Being lied to can be SO damaging. When one person lies to you it can effect not only your relationship with them but with everyone else in your life. I'm glad in the end your husband came clean with you. That's the only way you can even begin to work toward repairing your relationship.

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    1. So true, Rhonda. Those lies eroded so much of me as a person I became isolated. I stopped reaching out to family and friends. It took awhile for me to repair those relationships and some, I just never could salvage again. Although, in hindsight, maybe some are for the best left behind.

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  13. That said, I am tired of the current trend of using the "truth" just to be mean. That whole "brutal honesty" thing. It's just a bad excuse.

    And that said, Bing is just wrong. Sorry. It had to be said.

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    1. I think there is a difference in telling the truth and being a jerk. It's all in the framing. I feel like, to reference what Anne and were half joking about, if my kids or hubby hate dinner, sure, I want to know so I don't waste time making that recipe again. But, I don't want to hear, "This sucks!" or, "I can't believe you're making us eat this garbage. Don't you know tomatoes and bananas don't mix?" Rather, I'd hear something like, "This wasn't to my liking." Or, "I like the other tomato dish you make better."

      Bing is better. And now it has ad-free searches for no charge available for schools. Google ain't got that!

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  14. I love all of those quotes, but my favorite is the one about slapping me with the truth instead of kissing me with a lie. It CAN feel like that, can't it? But living a lie is no life at all. I do think, though, the 'truth' is one of those words that can have a thousand meanings, depending on the person. What is my truth? Is it different than yours? Is it worth softening sometimes, for the sake of not hurting someone unnecessarily? Is an omission a lie, or a leaving out of truth? I'm asking a million questions, I know, and getting all metaphysical...

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  15. If people lie to me I am not good at knowing its a lie so I assume it's all true. I may be old but I still sort of hang on deep down that Santa is out there. . . . .

    Rob Z Tobor

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  16. I really like that Jack Nicholson scene: You can't handle the truth! It's so true of so many people. They don't even acknowledge when you say something truthful that is outside there preconceived thoughts on the subject. But for the speaker: the truth does set you free.

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  17. I have always said, and meant, I will take an ugly truth over a pretty lie every day of the week. Honesty is hard but it's much easier than accidentally running into the truth.

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  18. Truth, I like. It's good stuff.

    Speaking of truth, I often send Tim to work with a homemade lunch. One time a co-worker asked how something was he said it was a little dry because the pepperoni and cheese had squirted out.

    She said, "You're not going to tell Ivy that, are you?"

    Of course he told me. It's not personal, the filling did spill out and this is something I need to know. Although, in that case I did know because we ate the filling off the bake sheet. My point, honestly rules. I say.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.