Friday, January 31, 2014

Taking Things For Granted



“I got a text from Julie at work.  Did you want to read it?” Devin asked.

“No, I appreciate you letting me know you got it though,” I answered.

He looked up from his phone and asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.  Unless she said something you think I should see, I’m fine.  I trust you,” I replied.

He grinned and asked, “Yeah, about what, forty percent of the time?”

“Not at all.  It’s more like ninety-seven percent,” I answered.

“Really?” He asked, surprised.

“Really.  It used to be zero percent, then forty, fifty, than seventy-five.  Now, I trust you almost completely.”

“That’s good to know.  I remember when you asked me how you could stay with a man you didn’t trust at all,” he said.

“I remember that too.  We had several conversations like that after disclosure day,” I said.  I gave him a hug then said, “But, that was over three years ago.  A lot has happened since then.” 

It seems like a lifetime ago when I didn’t believe a word that fell out of Devin’s mouth.  I second-guessed everything he said.  It didn’t matter what it was.  It could be anything from, “the store didn’t have what you needed” or “I was stuck in traffic,” I didn’t have enough faith in him at the time to believe him.  I had just been betrayed beyond anything I could imagine.  He didn’t deserve to be trusted back then.

Slowly, I realized I had to stop focusing on the problem of his sex addiction, and start focusing on the solution.  That meant spending time looking at myself while he tended to his own recovery. 

As he worked his program, I noticed a change in him.  When I realized it was because he wasn’t relying on me to fix him, but rather, he was fixing himself, I took note.  I discovered I could allow myself to start trusting him.  His actions were worth my leap of faith. 

The more my trust in him grew, the better I felt about our future together.  My mistake was not letting him know how much hope I had in him.  I figured he must have known.  I was no longer asking him questions about what he was doing to maintain his recovery.  I could see it for myself.  I didn’t have to ask where he was or what he was doing because he kept me informed.  I thought that because I stopped asking all those questions, he knew I had more faith in him. 
Instead, he felt my trust in him was still low because we never talked about it anymore.  He took it for granted I’d never believe in him again as much as I took it for granted he knew he was trusted.

It was a good lesson for me to learn.  Talk about everything.  Especially when you think the person knows how you feel.  They can’t read your thoughts.  You have to share them.

Have you ever taken anything for granted?

36 comments:

  1. I've taken plenty of things for granted I think. It's a rather unfortunate situation. I do take the time to let people know how I feel though. I've learned that people really can't read your thoughts. I'm glad that you've managed to become so trusting again, and that he's proving to be worth it.

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    1. It's funny what I take for granted while other things I don't. Communication is surely the key for us. I have to say, he's totally worth it!

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  2. Dear Elsie,
    This reminds me of a quandary I'm in. A girl I knew from elementary school (who I haven't seen since 1972) just recently contacted me and we play Words With Friends. She told me she lives in the same town as my brother and that we should get together for coffee or lunch if I make it up there. I have NO DOUBT that this is innocent. For crying out loud, she's a married grandmother of 56. As it happens, I will be going to my brother's house to watch the Super Bowl. Mrs. Penwasser will not be making the trip. I'd like to see her as I consider her a good part of my childhood. I'm also planning on seeing a guy I served with in the Navy. But...he's a guy. Like I said, I have NO indications that this is skeevy, but still... Oh, she was also my first girlfriend (which really didn't go anywhere and was just a dopey 14 year old thing). Hmm, everytime you think you have all the answers...

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    1. I'm hoping you meant she's 56 and a grandma, not a grandma of 56 kids! ha ha

      My feelings on this, not that you asked, are a bit different than most. I think if you are open with your wife AND someone else will be there - her hubby, kids, grand kids - than it's all good. It's when there is a meeting that your partner doesn't know about that can cause a problem. I'm one of those people that feel it's inappropriate for opposite sex people to hang out alone for a lunch or whatever. But, that's just me. I love that you're visiting your brother to watch the SB. I remember your camping trips - hope this doesn't replace it. Awesome on seeing a buddy from the Navy. That will be a blast! Have fun and on my brother's behalf - Go Broncos!

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    2. Got it-that's what I thought!
      And I'd like to see Peyton win, as well.

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    3. Took your suggestion. Nothing to it! Didn't end up seeing each other due to this reason or that, but it was all out in the open as it should have been. And I felt better for it.
      Wish I could say the same thing when I woke up with a food (and Miller Lite) hangover on Monday. The fact that I had to drive six hours through a snow storm didn't help, either.

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  3. Im agree with you we always wait the other know what we are thinking!
    And is impossible.
    I learne this only the last time!
    Sigh!
    Have a nice and lovely weekend!
    Xxxxx

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    1. I don't know why we do that, Gloria. It's like we expect them to know what we're thinking at all times. Silly us! Much love and hugs xoxo

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  4. OK first, GO SEAHAWKS.

    I took my first fiance' for granted. He dumped me after a 3 year relationship. Of course looking back his reasons were valid and my god we were soooooo young - I hadn't yet turned 22 when he broke it off. I'm not sure i've taken other things for granted...life has a way of shaking things up and I know that. Russell unfortunately took his wife for granted and the divorce was crushing, painful and volatile. He and I talked extensively about the importance of not taking each other for granted, and we don't.

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    1. Aww, you were just a baby when you first got engaged. Although, I can't talk too much. I was married and had already popped out my first kid by 23. I'm glad you and Russell don't take each other for granted and you're aware of it.

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  5. Acting like should read ones mind sure annoys my behind. You want something said just say it and done. Then lots of time for fun. Trust is a thing one needs too. Chat away and much can come due.

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    1. Wait, can I take from this that I just annoyed you? Oh, I hope so. Nothing makes me happier than pissing you off, cat!

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  6. What haven't I taken for granted? My home, my partner, my salvation... I have a lot of prints on my butt that match my shoe tread...

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    1. It's been a fairly recent transformation for me not to take food, shelter and my family for granted. Now, I pray in thanks every night!

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  7. def communication is key and not assuming they understand how you feel...trust provides the soil for th relationship to grow...its hard when it has been broken but i am glad you are progressing to where you do trust him.....

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    1. I love that, Brian, "soil for the relationship to grow." Very well stated. It reminds me of a post I did some time ago. I may have to dig it up and repost it.

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  8. Having watched some of this unfold, it is amazing how far you've come. Rebuilding trust is one of the hardest things to do, and yet you've managed to do it! I love the lesson at the end, it is critically important in all relationships of any kind, you have to communicate what's going on inside of you and in your life, sometimes we think we give good clues/signals and really we don't. There can't be too much honest communication. This was a great reminder of how easily we can leave someone thinking the wrong thing. Great post, Elsie!

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    1. You're right, Josie. It's not just about communicating with your spouse/partner. You have to be able to communicate at work, school, church - where ever - to make sure you are understood and that you're listening too.

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  9. Good to see you guys are going strong again. Communicating how you feel about things is important, especially when it's changed over the past time. He got a pleasant surprise out of it though, which can never go wrong.
    Stay strong!

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    1. He was totally surprised to hear how much I trust in him now. I think it caught him off guard a bit. ha ha

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  10. I love your and Devin's perseverance in the face of such challenges. Sounds like you've both came in an incredibly long way. That's very inspiring.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Keith, we have journeyed a long way since 2010. My first blog is all just sadness with a tinge of hope that things may work out. Now, things are so much better and it shows on this blog.

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  11. I've actually recently decided to end one friendship in my life because that person has been taking me for granted for a long time eventhough I was always extremely nice towards her. Being taken for granted is the thing that hurts me most, which is why I try never to do it to anyone.

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    1. That is sad to hear, Dezzy. I'm sure it was difficult for you to tell her that your friendship was coming to an end. I'm sorry about that.

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  12. Would you ever write a screenplay about all this stuff? Seems like you have a lot of material there, so I wondered if it ever crossed your mind?

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    1. Funny you should ask. I'm working on a non-fiction book about what I went through. I'm hoping it will help others recover.

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  13. This actually makes sense without addiction. A good relationship should, for the most part, have this type of communication. The kind where even though you think they know, it's still important to verbalize or make it extremely obvious for your partner.

    This all made me happy inside. Thanks for posting it :)

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    1. I love when I can make someone happy with a post - it happens so rarely =P

      I think one of the most difficult things for people to do is be able to to open up to someone. It's almost like it's easier to assume they will know what we're thinking rather than discuss it.

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  14. Well, now that you've asked the question, I'm thinking I probably have taken lots of things for granted. Aww. Bummer...now I have to do some deep thinking and make a list...I have a feeling it's a long list. Thank you! :)

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    1. Oh no! I've caused deep thought and homework =) You're like me. I love to ponder about stuff in order to improve myself.

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  15. You've come a long way baby! (Who said that? I think it comes from a show on the telly).

    I'll tell you what. The more I do without, the less I take for granted.

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    1. I'll tell ya who said it, Virginia Slim cigarettes. At least, I'm pretty sure that's from their commercial. Now, that made me think about, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan" Remember that one??

      Yep, Anne, I understand your last sentence. When I struggled to make ends meet after Senior died, I took absolutely nothing for granted. Now, I'm at a place where I don't take a day I can be productive for granted. Blasted health. =)

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    2. "'Cause I'm a woman... anjolie!" Spelling may be wrong, but I got the tune.

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  16. This was awesome to read. You know, it's kind of controversial because a lot of people think that spouses shouldn't be able to look through your phone or look through your e-mails or blah blah blah, but I LIKE having the kind of relationship where we can have access to each other's stuff without it being a big deal.

    Example: my phone buzzes but it's near Meli, so I ask her to look at the screen and see if it's anyone or anything important. Oh, it's Brandon? Type him a quick response for me. Or, another example: Meli's on the couch and I'm on the computer, and she wants me to print a file out of her e-mail, so she has me log into it and do it for her since I know the password. I love that, because we have nothing to hide, but we have no reason not to trust each other so it's not like we're digging through each other's stuff. It's a perfect balance of trust.

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  17. My mistake was not letting him know how much hope I had in him. That's one to remember, Elsie. And as for taking things for granted... I always took seeing the world through my eyes for granted. Until I got ill and the world turned psychedelic on me. But there's... hope. :)

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.