“I got a text from Julie at work. Did you want to read it?” Devin asked.
“No, I appreciate you letting me know you got it though,” I answered.
He looked up from his phone and asked, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Unless she said something you think I should see, I’m fine. I trust you,” I replied.
He grinned and asked, “Yeah, about what, forty percent of the time?”
“Not at all. It’s more like ninety-seven percent,” I answered.
“Really?” He asked, surprised.
“Really. It used to be zero percent, then forty, fifty, than seventy-five. Now, I trust you almost completely.”
“That’s good to know. I remember when you asked me how you could stay with a man you didn’t trust at all,” he said.
“I remember that too. We had several conversations like that after disclosure day,” I said. I gave him a hug then said, “But, that was over three years ago. A lot has happened since then.”
It seems like a lifetime ago when I didn’t believe a word that fell out of Devin’s mouth. I second-guessed everything he said. It didn’t matter what it was. It could be anything from, “the store didn’t have what you needed” or “I was stuck in traffic,” I didn’t have enough faith in him at the time to believe him. I had just been betrayed beyond anything I could imagine. He didn’t deserve to be trusted back then.
Slowly, I realized I had to stop focusing on the problem of his sex addiction, and start focusing on the solution. That meant spending time looking at myself while he tended to his own recovery.
As he worked his program, I noticed a change in him. When I realized it was because he wasn’t relying on me to fix him, but rather, he was fixing himself, I took note. I discovered I could allow myself to start trusting him. His actions were worth my leap of faith.
The more my trust in him grew, the better I felt about our future together. My mistake was not letting him know how much hope I had in him. I figured he must have known. I was no longer asking him questions about what he was doing to maintain his recovery. I could see it for myself. I didn’t have to ask where he was or what he was doing because he kept me informed. I thought that because I stopped asking all those questions, he knew I had more faith in him.
Instead, he felt my trust in him was still low because we never talked about it anymore. He took it for granted I’d never believe in him again as much as I took it for granted he knew he was trusted.
It was a good lesson for me to learn. Talk about everything. Especially when you think the person knows how you feel. They can’t read your thoughts. You have to share them.
Have you ever taken anything for granted?