Thursday, September 26, 2013

Patience



I think in the age of technology many of us have become impatient.  We’ve forgotten what it’s like to wait for things, no matter how minute.  Think of the last time you went to watch a video online and it took more than ten seconds to load.  I bet you checked to see if you lost your connection.  Maybe you even gave up on the video and moved onto something else entirely.  What about your last drive-thru experience?  Did it take too long to get your food, your money, or your prescription?  Just think, we used to have to get out of our car and walk into the establishment for these services.  The horror!

We’ve become a society of Veruca Salts.  We want it now!


I was one of those people.  Who am I kidding?  I can still be one of those impatient people.  Especially when it comes to something like Devin’s recovery. I sometimes think it will happen overnight.  I fail to remember that each individual moves at different speeds. 

I love to dive in and self-examine and explore.  I’ve recognized I have more work to do so I’m doing another 12-step workbook to challenge myself.  For Devin, it’s not as easy for him to face his flaws.  I can’t expect him to be as gung-ho as I am.  Instead, I can be excited at how far in his program he’s come. 

It wasn’t always this way.  I used to drive myself crazy wondering about the progress of Devin’s recovery.  I thought it only fair because as a couple we’re in this together.  It made sense I be involved in his recovery.  I became confused on what that meant.  I was told to stay away, and then I was told it was okay to ask questions.  What did that mean?

I got clarification from my rockin’ counselor.  She said my way was not the right way.  (I love this lady.  She doesn’t mince words.  My old counselor would have said something like, “not preferable”.)  I was being a dictator by telling him how to work his recovery i.e. attend SAA meetings once a week, see a counselor once a week, do your daily reading, etc. Instead, she said it was acceptable that he understands my expectations for a healthy recovery because it’s part of my boundary agreement.  She also suggested check-in conversations.  We began using FANOS once again.

Once she explained the difference between being a dictator and checking-in with Devin, things seemed to make more sense to me.  I was able to let go of his recovery and let him take charge.  It also gave me a greater sense of patience because I wasn’t so enmeshed in it.  I could step back from it with greater ease and see how much progress he’s made. 

By using FANOS we, even all this time later, connect on a deeper level than we ever had before.  It also provides me with a sense of security that he’s continuing to work on his program.  It provides patience. 
~~~@ ~~~@
I’ll be at the dealership to get my car worked on today. I know I said that the other day but I never made it because I had a migraine.  They are supposed to have wi-fi so I can check my blog.  If not, I apologize for being late getting to your blogs.  

45 comments:

  1. I'm a little mixed when it comes to patience. There are some things I can be very patient about and some things I have a lot of trouble waiting for. I tend to contain myself pretty well though and can focus on the here and now. It does mean I can have trouble looking back and seeing how far I've come though, but I think that's partially related to my bad memory.

    I'm glad you've come to understand Devin and how you need to be behaving. I think the way you were behaving before was understandable even if it wasn't correct. Once you learned what you had to actually do you got right on it.

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    1. You make a great point, Mark. There are some things I can be quite patient about while others seem to irritate me more. I love how you relate not being able to reflect on the past to a bad memory! That's pretty funny.

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  2. I agree absolutely. I envisioned myself getting better the minute I stepped out of the hospital - not going back in a year later and having a huge setback. I can see now where I've improved and what I still need to do, but it will take time. I've been forced to learn how to be patient. That's not a bad thing at all...I guess it was a lesson I needed to learn. :)

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    1. That dreaded word, "time." I used to hate hearing that word. People would tell all the time it takes time to heal and to recover. Drove me nuts! I'm glad you have learned the importance of patience and optimism.

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  3. Patience....not one of my strong points. I do find myself getting crazy when the internet bogs down, esp. at night. I try to watch You Tube and the video keeps hanging up or skipping and I'm all 'WTF?!?!' Forget waiting in lines. Remember back in the day before electronic cash registers?!?!?! Yet when it comes to intricate and involved crafts, I have the patience of a saint.

    Anyway, I'm glad that you are able to have the patience with Devin's recovery. He didn't get to the point he was at overnight, so it will take time for him to recover. So far you both have made huge and excellent strides.

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    1. Ugh, do I dare confess that I remember some stores not having electronic cash registers? My favorite five and dime store used a calculator and a cigar box! They used to sell cigarettes individually....ahh, the good ol' days!

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  4. hope they don't pimp your car into a Mad Max ride :)

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    1. For as long as it's in the shop - they just might!

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  5. Oh yes, been there, wanted to get better right away, that didn't happen one bit with all this umm shit haha And I tend to want it now, hate waiting with internet stuff. Too much to do, want it now so I can get it done haha

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    1. Are you doing any better, Pat? You are one busy dude! What with all those videos, classes, blog posts and giveaways. When do you have time to write books?

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  6. I'm having my car serviced today too! I'm getting a remote start installed so I can warm it up via long distance in the winter.

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    1. I am so jealous of you right now! I had an auto start on my other car. I miss it so much. Lucky dog!! Excuse me, lucky HRH cat!! =P

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  7. I used to be one of those people as well but I had a sort of epiphany at around age 28 and began to realize that life is WAY too short to stress over such trivial things.

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    1. 28? You are one lucky guy. I wish I had had it back then. I'd have been a much happier woman. My 30's would have gone much smoother!

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  8. Patience is a virtue which you appear to have in plenty Elsie!

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    1. It is something that takes continual practice or it's lost, I think.

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  9. I think the reason it seems like I'm at a lack of patience when a video takes more than 10 seconds to load, it's because there's way too much money going into it for that s***.

    But that's not your point today. It tends to drive me up a wall to have to wait for people, and that's not even for people I'm 'with'. That'll be an experience.

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    1. Between how much we pay for the connection and how much they paid for production, there should be zero delay!

      D, I rarely have a point, ha ha! When you have a significant other, I expect details on your other blog!

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  10. Oh, the dealership has wifi! That makes much more sense!
    And waiting around at a car dealership... now, that takes patience. If you can do that, you ought to be able to wait for anything.

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    1. ha ha ha! I'd be so screwed if you were my CP, Andrew! My pages would come back bleeding!! Seriously though, I'm glad you pointed it out. How else will I learn? No, wait, now I'm going to corrected *all* the time!

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  11. LOL
    No, I'm not really that bad unless I'm actually editing for someone. Then... well, then it's bad.

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    1. I'll keep that in mind when I'm looking for my next CP. Ha ha!

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  12. Andrew beat me to my comment...if he'd have only been more patient...

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  13. I've become more patient as I've gotten older, but I can still be foot-tapping, finger-drumming nuisance when I want something done NOW. I like to get things done and dusted and checked off the list asap. Doubt that attitude works well with things like recovery and self-improvement. :)

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    1. I think part of my patience may be a part of *ahem* growing older too. I've come to realize there are just some things that don't seem to be worth getting my feathers ruffled over. I hope all is well in your world!

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  14. sorry on the migraine...and i hope all goes well with the car...
    we are a very impatient society...and tech only adds to it...and it adds so much stress to our lives when we let it run unchecked....

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    1. Thank you for the well wishes, Brian. The car will be back in the shop soon for more TLC, I'm afraid. Such is life. But, I love my car and she's worth it. As much as I love my technology, it has added quite a bit of stress to my life. I had to take a step back from some of it.

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  15. dear Im sorry you are with.migraine (worry me my daugther has migraines the las times) hope you feel better these days send you hugs and love:)

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    1. Thank you, Gloria. I had another one today. Stupid weather! I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope she doesn't get them often. Much love and hugs to you too!

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  16. Patience most definitely is a virtue but I'm not going to lie, when things are going wrong I really struggle to have it, really thought provoking post Elsie.

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    1. That's when it's the most trying time to have patience, Matthew. When things are at their worse. Thanks for the kudos!

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  17. All true. But, if it takes me an appointed hour to come, I'm doing something wrong.

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    1. No, Al, you're doing something right.

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    2. Whew!
      Well...I do practice a lot when I'm alone.

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  18. Hope you feel better Elsie ~ I can relate to the impatience as I am also rush, rush & rush ~ But letting go of high expectations and letting the other people manage his own recovery program, seems empowering & less stressful for me ~ Enjoy your weekend ~

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    1. Thank you, Heaven. I used to be so very rushed with everything in my life. Work was a real toughie for me because I had so many deadlines. Than with my recovery I expected it to work immediately. It just doesn't work that way.

      I hope you had a beautiful weekend!!

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  19. Ever since I've cut down on my technology usage I've found myself being more patient. I find that technology only seems to aid this impatience. I'm glad to hear you sorted out some impatience issues with Devin's recovery, and you know that, so rather than keep patting your back I'll share this great Louis C.K. line.

    People will look at their cellphones with this disgusted look on their faces and be like, "Ugh, it's not downloading anything." And I'm like, oh I'm sorry, it's not going fast enough for you? It's going to OUTER SPACE. That's not fast enough for you? God, twenty years ago you'd have to walk 10 minutes to get to a library, but now, you know, your phone's beaming into outer space and it's taking a few extra seconds.

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    1. Even though I am quite late to respond to this comment, I can't help it. I mean, look at that compliment, how can I ignore it? No, seriously, I like the Louis C.K. line. He is such a witty comic. Those are the kind I like the best. The ones who look around at the world and see how screwed up it is and then make us laugh at it....uncomfortably.

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  20. I'd drive you bat-shit crazy! I'm always late, I abhor self-examination and resist change. You'd kill me after five minutes!!

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    1. Well, I haven't killed Devin yet. ha ha!!

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  21. I was reading this post, and even relating to it on some level, and as I kept reading I was thinking "Good for you, Elsie, and Devin too!"

    I made it all almost the way through with good thoughts and good vibes radiating from this post...until the very end. There's that blasted word again...migraine! Ugh! What am I to do with you? You just never learn do you?

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    1. That's what I love to do when it comes to you, Dan! Get you all reflective and stuff and then BAM - hit you with the word MIGRAINE. ha ha ha I will never learn, you should know that by now!!!

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  22. I tend to be a patient person most of the time. However I can relate to the internet issues. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting time when I'm just waiting for something to load or to make a connection. I always keep something to read on my desk for those times or get up to do something else and get a break from sitting in front of the computer. It's good to have options to divert us.

    Lee
    A Faraway View

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    1. The one place I still tend to loose the most patience is traffic. I don't know why it still irks me. Perhaps it's just being from NY. I don't think bringing a book there would help. Ha ha!!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.