Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Glimpse of The Past


This was posted on my old blog two years ago.  I found it while doing research for my book.  I’m so glad I’m no longer in the Trust But Verify stage. Just wanted to share it for those who still may be where I was back then.  It can get better.

A Fine Line Between Optimisim and Naiveness
July 2011

I believe that there is a fine line between being optimistic and being naive about Devin's, or any other sex addict’s recovery.  Realistically, their recovery rate is horribly low while their relapse rate remains incredibly high. For many, the addiction takes such a strong hold of them, it twists their minds, it warps their very souls and changes their core being.  I believe that there are sex addicts that reach level three and stay there or fluctuate between levels acting out for years undetected and unnoticed.

I feel very fortunate that Devin was not one of them.  It gives me a sense of hope that he will remain sober or as he said the other day in a more realistic sense - or more "addict" sense - that if he slips, it won't be by having another affair.  It will be through masturbation or maybe porn because that was what he couldn't give up without professional help.  Everything else he stopped alone before I was even aware he had a problem and he had even acted out, or, actually, the extent of the problem, since I knew porn was always an issue.  And, if he slips through porn, we have a plan for it and I'm prepared.  At least as much as I can be.

I'm saddened and scared when I hear stories from other women about what their husbands did and for how long they were betrayed.  I'm also given a bizarre sense of hope - followed by a twinge of guilt for feeling such a selfish response.  My immediate response, fear, comes because I know Devin could have easily fallen into this addiction cycle if he didn't recognize he had a problem and tried to stop himself in 2009.  Fear also comes because I know that given the right set of circumstances, he can fall into a cycle just like that.

I will always remain Cautiously Optimistic when it comes to his recovery.  Most likely, I will always Trust But Verify and while it may be viewed as unhealthy by so many, right now, for me, it works.  I am finally in the "I don't give a fuck what other people think" mentality.  It took me seven months to get here, and, I know myself well enough to know that I will have moments of weakness when I will read a comment and think "Oh my God, she's right, I should divorce his cheating ass!!" but, that person isn't me.  That person hasn't seen the remorse in his eyes or seen the change, as slow as it is, in him that I see.  Yes, it frustrates the hell out of me every day to have to deal with the range of emotions that I go through, the trauma, the fears, the self doubt, but if I don't put those aside and give my marriage a shot and give Devin a chance to work on his recovery while I work on myself then I'll never really know if we can come through this bullshit even stronger at the end.

As I look back over the last seven months, really and truly look back and review my emotions, my feelings, my own recovery, I can see so much progress and see how far I've really come in myself.  I'm pretty impressed with myself.  I'm learning to enjoy myself again.  Learning to read for enjoyment again, imagine that?  I'm enjoying the company of my children again.  I'm socializing at work again and starting to look for a new hobby (that's not so easy with Migraines).  I'm slowly making life about me again.

If I have to walk away, at least I walk away knowing that I tried.  Besides, not everyone is a failed sex addict...the odds aren't ZERO recovery rate, right??

See...Cautiously Optimistic   =)  
    
Or....just a Dumb Ass   

Time will tell.

~~~@
Please forgive the writing style.  This was written before I learned about run-on sentences!    
~~~@


31 comments:

  1. I think time has proven you to be right, and not a dumbass. Devin has made some remarkable changes and you said yourself you aren't really like this much anymore either. In just two short years a whole lot has changed and if you had left him, there's no telling where either of you might have ended up.

    I do think though that I was never one of the "Dump his cheatin' ass!" people. I don't remember you actually getting many, if any, comments like that.

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    1. I have to agree with you, Mark. Although, I admit I have done some pretty dumbass things in those two years. And, I'm sure I'll do more, ha ha. Hindsight is 20/20. As I look back on all that has happened, I am finally at a place where I am grateful for all that has happened. It caused us each to work hard on ourselves. It made our marriage so much stronger and we're so much happier now than we were back then.

      Thankfully, I've only had one or two people tell me they'd leave him. I have awesome support here!!

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  2. I agree with Mark, time has proven that you are not indeed a dumbass! You've done extremely well and so has he.

    Oh my God, this was written back when you were working, before the Migraines made your life impossible. So much has changed since then and though you don't talk about it much anymore, I do hope the Migraines are plaguing you less these days.

    Hey, I posted today but for some reason my blog will not update on Reader nor on Blog rolls. Take pity on me and stop by!

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    1. Thank you, Anne. I feel we've both rocked and rolled. We've learned so much and worked so hard. The important thing is that we keep working.

      Yeah, I noticed that too. *sigh* I was working when I wrote this. Who knows? Maybe next year I'll be working again? I have a specialist and I'm on new meds. I only get them once a week for a day or two and that's improvement. =)

      I see your blog on my sidebar...I'm headed over as soon as I'm done with my comments. I need to visit you while I can!!

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    2. I know you haven't given up on the possibility of working again one day. One or two a month you could get away with, but two every week really makes things impossible. Hopefully research will result in something more effective.


      I set that stupid thing to post at 1:00 a.m. hoping it would show up at it's normal time. It didn't. Bloody thing didn't pop up until after 7:00 a.m.

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    3. I never give up the possibility of returning to work. Even if it's just part-time. As I type, I have a migraine but the doctor I'm working with is wonderful. This was her speciality from the start of her career. I'm lucky to have found her.

      Blasted Blogger! I saw on Ray's blog he had a ton of hits out of nowhere. Crazy thing!!

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  3. I didn't notice any run-on sentences, just beautiful writing. I'm so glad things have gotten better. :)

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    1. Me too, Michelle. No run on sentences? Phew! I tend to go on for days when I write with emotion. Back before I had someone helping me with my writing, I never paid attention to such things.

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  4. us translators adore run on sentences :PPP I once had to translate a sentence which covered one and a half pages :)

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    1. I bet you just love to read blogs like mine Dezzy. At least back in the day. I could go on for days without a comma or period! One and half pages!! Now I don't feel so bad!! =P

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  5. You're right, the odds aren't a zero recovery rate with anything. And I didn't even notice the run-ons. I am the king of the run-on sentence.

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    1. I remember having to hold on to some type of hope back then. There were days when things seemed so bleak and I grasped onto anything. Zero recovery rate seemed good on some days! I never notice run-ons on your blog either, Keith!

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  6. Oh yes, I noticed the run on and on of the old one eye. Loved to whine, still do, under your sky lol remember this too, or maybe one of the many whines that just got mixed in, who knows, the cat will now go and leave the (cheating poster) repeat one eye in peace lol

    Looking back we can see, even with one eye at your sea, that things can get better indeed and you aren`t such a dumbass at your feed haha

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    1. The cat never saw this post displayed
      it came before we began to fight and play
      what you see as a painful whine
      I see as a beautiful opine
      Sometimes I'm still a dumbass
      but I'm always full of lots of sass
      that's why you love to visit me at my sea
      because you just can't get enough of me!!

      ha ha ha!!

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    2. haha never saw this one?
      Hmm must have been a further step under your sun
      Your one eye is rather haunting
      But it can be daunting
      Bringing me back
      On the attack

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  7. Run-on sentences? You're an amateur compared to Proust. His are the stuff of legend.

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    1. That sounds like a challenge to me, Debra! As if I'm talented enough to go up against a real novelist! ha!

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  8. I think you had an okay point of view here already though. I've seen past posts and I've seen you in worse places. This to me, is nothing but a representation of how quick you were able to adapt and turn things for the better. Finding that silver lining until you were sure everything would be okay.

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    1. That's true, D4. You've been following me through all my blogs, I think, or pretty damn close. You've seen the posts where I was really down and out, especially when I thought we were headed for divorce. Ugh! Being able to adapt and see the silver lining has been my saving grace.

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  9. Thanks for sharing this for us Elsie, I love how much of a change Devin has made, he's now becoming the husband that you deserve and I think he's awesome for that, so good to see the changes that have been made.

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    1. It's been such a wonderful change for all of us, Matthew. We are all getting what we deserve - a happier and healthier man. Of course, we still have work to do, but things are so very much better than they once were.

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  10. Nice that you are documenting your journey Elsie ~ You can certainly look back and sigh with relief ~ Have a lovely week ahead ~

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    1. Aside from being able to help others, this is one of the benefits of having my blog; the ability to look back on our journey.

      Have a wonderful weekend, Heaven!

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  11. You both have come a real long way in the 2 years since you wrote that!

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    1. We definitely have, JoJo. It is funny how much things have changed. I was reading some of my old posts and can't believe how much I've forgotten about! =P

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  12. You've both worked so hard at your marriage, which is rare these days . . . it cannot possibly fail :-)
    Saw Cash Cabs this morning and thought of you! . . If ever you're in NY and get picked up in the Cash Cab, shout Hi to bugerlugs please Lovey! and then give the guy a big hug from me, I love him! Love you too Lovey x x x

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    1. Lovey!!! How the hell are you?? It's so good to see you!! I hope all is well with you!!

      I love Cash Cabs and love Ben Bailey! One day you may just see me in that cab! Whenever we are in the city we look for it but have yet to find it. I'll give you a shout out if I do!! xoxoxo

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  13. Amazing to see how far you've come along, not just with Devin, but with your writing.

    Also, funny to see that mention of the optimism vs naivety. Very timely. I think I see that going on right now, and I also don't think I have to mention what I'm talking about. She thinks everything's better and it's just all "behind them," and I have a sinking feeling that that's just going to make it all the more difficult for her if/when the relapse occurs...

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    1. I read this and was appalled at my writing style. Of course, it was before I was being critiqued by someone so very awesome. Hmmm, what's this brown stuff on my nose?

      I hope that when the time comes, people who need to read this post will see it. They will gain some sense of hope and see it's not the end of the world if a relapse happens or when they choose to open their eyes and get out of denial.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.