“I’m leaving. Have a good day. I love you.”
“I’m leaving. I hope you feel better. Need anything before I go? I love you.”
“When will dinner be done?”
“Want some company in the kitchen?”
“The meeting was fine. It was cold in there. A lot of guys showed up.”
“Today I shared about my dad and I could tell it struck a cord with some of the guys.”
I realized it’s been awhile since I’ve shared anything about Devin, especially anything positive, about his recovery and I have to keep reminding myself of the reason I started blogging. To give other people who stumble upon it and those who lurk, hope, not just for themselves but hope in their partner too.
I remember reading how high the relapse rate for sex addiction was back in 2010-2011 when the only things I read were sex addiction related. I was terrified and everyday I feared Devin would relapse and somehow I managed to make his relapse all about me. When the first relapse came with a porn site less than a month after disclosure, I panicked but we worked through it. A few months later, another relapse, I collapsed again. That was it! I was going to file for divorce. That was a year ago and he’s been sober ever since. Recovery can work, if you work it.
Why? I don’t know. End of post.
No, I’m kidding. As much as I whine and complain about Devin’s recovery work, he has come a long way and he does a lot. He has a sponsor that is tough on him when he needs to be. If Devin isn’t sharing enough in the meetings or is showing up late or leaving early, no matter what the reason, his sponsor won’t meet with him for their weekly discussions. His sponsor enforced this once and Devin got angry but when his sponsor didn’t budge, Devin did as his sponsor requested and now they are back on track again. Devin is gaining more from his meetings by sharing with everyone and gets more feedback after the meetings are over too.
He’s also begun attending a group meeting and while he was gung-ho in the beginning to get started because our counselor felt he was becoming stagnant in his recovery and without attending the group he may slip, he had it in his head that he only needed to go every other week. Our rockin’ counselor let him know he needed to attend every week to reap the proper benefits. Now that he’s been going, he really likes it because it’s small and they have a chance to interact with each other and with our counselor. Who rocks, by the way.
Communication can still be an effort at times but for everybody all the way around it’s improving. Especially between he and the kids. He’s struggling with overcoming being the “stepdad” and not being close to them at the height of his addiction. There was never yelling and screaming, there was just not much of anything for two years. Devin and I still struggle at times to communicate yet we always make it through and thankfully we’ve gotten past the silent treatments for days on end and the “I’m fine” when it’s really, “You have just pissed me off!”
|This is not our spare room. Not even close!|
The spare room aka his hobby. I will put this in the Work In Progress category. It’s rare that anything arrives from ebay so if your stock in them recently went down, my apologies. He spent some time in there on Sunday but got derailed when he saw I was watching iRobot. (Scary, spellchecker didn’t grab that word, are there robots among us?)
almost….detached from that room. In
fact, I redecorated my family room with my tax refund, shit I need to file that
sucker, when I redecorated, I put up sheer curtains so I don’t see inside there. I asked my counselor if
that was putting myself in denial and she said, “No, Elsie, it’s called
redecorating.” She also explained this
is something I am going to have to be patient with, his hobby.
To me, it’s a bunch of plastic and toys and boxes that can easily be discarded (sold). To him, it’s the one part of his identity he’s got left that wasn’t fucked up, that he didn’t destroy. Add a touch of OCD to that mix; a dash of addiction and a man who is still working the beginnings of his steps and the end result is a room full of a hobbyist’s wet dream.
At his last appointment, he sat down with our rockin’ counselor and decided it was time to start taking action. Looking at where he was a year ago, Devin has made great progress. Looking at where he was two years ago, Devin has made outstanding progress.
This is a scheduled post and I am supposed to be sitting in the dealership getting work done on my car. They promised wi-fi but if I’m late getting to you, I totally blame them!