Thursday, February 28, 2013

Humbling and Wonderful Reminder



A few weeks ago, I was watching a great new show, Elementary, with my husband.  It’s a modern day Sherlock Holmes and I love it. It’s one of my new favorites of the season, right up there with Chicago Fire. 

(For anyone keeping track, my love affair with Honey Boo Boo is officially over.  I saw an episode of how they interacted with people outside of their home and they had no regard for others or their property, it was horrible and disrespectful and my daughter is no longer allowed to watch that crap.  Where was I?  Right, rambling, how unlike me.)

Sherlock was investigating the kidnapping of his friend’s daughter and the friend is also his ex-drug dealer.  The case turns out to be a bit more difficult than he anticipates and he begins to allow self-doubt to creep into his head along with his friend’s doubtful words. 

Sherlock’s friend tells Sherlock he isn’t as talented when he’s not high and not as perceptive and his friend brings Sherlock drugs to help him solve the case.  Sherlock is full of so much self-doubt and insecurity about his ability to solve this particular case without the help of drugs heightening his senses, we are left not knowing whether or not he will succumb to the pressure of taking the drugs until the end of the show.

As I sat on the couch and watched Sherlock’s struggle, I could feel my fingers gripping the armrest.  Twenty years.  It’s been twenty years since I’ve put cocaine up my nose but the way the show framed Sherlock’s inner battle, his insecurities, I felt like I was him.

I understand the inner turmoil of first seeing the drugs right in front of you and saying “NO!” not today.  Then walking away, sometimes literally running.  Then once sobriety is accomplished, the insecurities set in. 

Am I good enough to maintain life in this world?

A Life where I am not high? 

Am I really funny? 

Am I really pretty?  

Will I still be able to write well? 

Will I still be creative?

So many insecurities to overcome once sobriety is reached.  I think many people forget that.  I know I did and it’s a humbling experience, a humbling reminder, as I watch Devin maintain his sobriety for so long but struggle with his insecurities in life as he continues his journey through recovery.  

A wonderful reminder in my meetings as I listen to others, and share, I am again reminded of where I was, how far I came and yet I still wonder…

Am I?  Will I?

62 comments:

  1. Isn't it neat how things we watch on TV, in movies, etc. can resonate with us due to their relevance to our everyday lives? I love the introspection here as always my friend.

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    1. I find it fascinating how many things I can watch and relate too but then again, I am drawn to such things. Thank you, OE. I'm still digging deep!

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  2. I'm with you on Honey Boo Boo I guess Elsie. Honey Boo Boo is funny and everything but for a mother to let a child get on like her there has to be something wrong in there and that's unfortunately the case. This Elementary show sounds interesting, I think that I've heard about it over here, that drugs situation is pretty interesting, I know how you can relate to it.

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    1. She was funny at first but now, ugh, now she is down right annoying and gross. I think I didn't watch enough of the show to see how disgusting it was. Elementary ROCKS! Watson is his sober campion and then ends up loving his job as a consultant for the NYPD - it's great.

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  3. Well as long as you're still wondering it, then you're doing fine. You still haven't succumbed. I'll not comment on Elementary (for both our sakes) but I do know from a friend that addictions never really go away, and there's always that nagging feeling, but it can be overcome just like the addiction was overcome in the first place.

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    1. Good point, Mark. I think it means I haven't reached a point where I'm willing to settle. *gasp* Are you going to say you don't like one of my favorite shows, Mark!?! Fine, I shall respect your opinion. I guess. ha ha ha. You're right, the addiction never goes away, ever. It's always there, just not as strong.

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  4. What? You had a love relationship with HONEY BOO BOO? This is where I come and spank you, Elsie.... :)

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  5. I did, I did! I loved her but now, I can't stand her!! She's terrible.

    You wouldn't spank me, I'm a good chickie =)

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  6. Sober or not, a history with addiction or not, we all have insecurities Elsie ~ If we always compare ourselves with others, we will always be lacking and need something more ~ I head you on these questions, I ask myself these things, each and everyday ~

    Wishing you a lovely day/week/weekend ~

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    1. Insecurities are hard for all of us, you're right, Heaven. I think those of us who write deal with insecurities of being judged on whether or not our writing will live up to our own expectations and what we think others will think of it too.

      Enjoy your weekend!!

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  7. Sherlock Holmes is kind of like House, or are they the same person?

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    1. That is exactly what I thought of when I first started watching the show. He is the House of detectives and that's fine with me because I adored House.

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  8. Honey Boo Boo is everything that's wrong with America. lol Maintaining sobriety is definitely difficult, no matter what the addiction...

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    1. I know, I can't believe I didn't see that when I started watching that blasted show last year. That's what I get for not paying attention and getting caught up in all the media hype!

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  9. I have not seen this show. If it's on Netflix I may give it a go. It's sad when a talented person believes that it is a substance that gives them that talent. Music, art, writing, genius-those are innate abilities. To give that credit to a drug is to do an injustice to ones self and to ones heritage. I know a lot of musicians who had trouble playing after they quit drugs. It took time for them to uncouple the association between the "high" of the drug and the "high" of playing.

    I can see why Devin is struggling with his sense of self worth right now. Thanfully he has a wife who understands what he's experiencing.

    I read Cindy's post and am saddened by her loss.

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    1. Thank you for heading over to Cindy's page. She's a great person and that means a lot that you went over there.

      I hope it pops up on Netflix. Like PTM said, it's similar to House, so if you liked the general feel of House but in a cop setting, you'll like this show.

      I still struggle with all those insecurities from when I used. It's hard to feel creative at times, pretty at times and watching that show was a really good reminder that Devin is going through the same struggles with his sobriety too. It's something we all go through.

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  10. I'm very into the newest BBC Sherlock. The American on, not so much. But it sounds like you're digging it and that's cool.

    As for Boo Boo, I can't even understand how she has a show or whatever it is her and her mother do. They are vile, vile folk.

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    1. A lot of people are fans of the Jersey Shore, too. Pabulum for the mind, I say.

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    2. I tried watching a detective show on the BBC not to long ago, Ripper, but couldn't get into it. I'm glad you're enjoying their Sherlock.

      Hey, Al, I'm currently mourning the loss of the Jersey Shore show ha ha ha!!

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    3. I haven't seen Ripper yet. I like the UK being human better too. The American one is total crap. The actors just don't have it.

      But then to me, the originals are mostly better.

      Have you tried the BBC's latest Sherlock?

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    4. I haven't tried the BBC's Sherlock yet but from reading all the reviews on this post, it seems like I may have to give it a shot. My DVR is going to get quite packed if I'm not careful =P

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  11. YIPPEEEEEE you finally got rid of that horrible excuse for a show, about time! Elementary I can't get into, after watching the British Sherlock it just pales in comparison in every way. Not to say it's bad at all, just not as good. Always interesting to see what comes to mind with each person with what they view too, as with anything, it can resonate with us all differently.

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    1. Oh and where is the angry rant, damn it! lol

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    2. So how does the British Sherlock compare? Is it modern like 'Elementary' or...?

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    3. Yeah it is set in modern day, and more full fledged stories. Not just some murder of the week thing that cbs is famous for.

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    4. I know, I know, I don't understand why I got all wrapped up in that stupid show. At first it was funny but then it was appalling how the mom allowed her kids to just run amuck the way they did. I didn't see enough of the show. Just gross.

      I wonder if I should give the BBC version a try? Great another show to add to the DVR.

      Don't worry, I'm sure the angry IRS rant will show up when I have to go back to them next week! ha ha

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    5. Oh so it is the IRS, that should be a grand rant. And yeah add it to your list.

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    6. Oh yeah! Caused me to have to take deep, deep breaths!

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  12. 'Elementary' is fantastic! I don't watch a lot of TV because I'm an insufferable snob when it comes to television (I've no reason to be so since I'm as sophisticated as frozen pizza and Lite beer), but the new Sherlock is great. I like how I can pick out similarities between the new one and the traditional detective (e.g., violin, drug abuse, Moriarty, etc.). Cool.
    Oh, and Honey Boo? That little nightmare can go scratch.

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    1. I'm glad that they finally came out with a show that isn't a tween oriented show. Don't get me wrong, I'm a reality show junkie (see above comment about Jersey Shore) but I missed House and this filled that gap perfectly!

      You're right, although it's set in NY, they still kept enough of the original plot to keep the storyline recognizable, at least for me. I love it!!

      Yeah, Honey Boo Boo is horrendous!

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    2. And I saw a rerun of Elementary on On Demand (that sounds horribly redundant) this afternoon. I love how that show makes me think.
      I would like to check out the BBC version. The Brits are much more than Monty Python.

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    3. I'm glad you got a chance to catch it, Al. It really does make you think. I felt the same way when I watched it, it challenged me, made me feel like I was a cop or something. Little tid bit for ya, when I was evaluated, no not for craziness, but for careers my second time around, forensic science was in the top ten.

      But Monty Python is by far the in the top!! "Another pea sir?"

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  13. All of us (like Grace say) have insecurities, we all think are not pretty, not smart, not enough funny sigh!! I learned Im like Im and God loves me like Im :) and that help me, anywya is complicated always! huggs!

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    1. This is why I adore you, Gloria! You bring it back to reality. You are absolutely right. We aren't meant to be perfect, we are works in progress and works of God and therefore I just have to keep working on doing my best. Much love and hugs to you xoxoxo

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    2. I think you are working fine in all Elsie, is not easy and I know some day I will tell you how you helped me dear:))

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    3. I know when the time is right, when your heart tells you it's time, you will share with me xoxoxo

      I hope you are enjoying your weekend, my friend!!

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    4. Yes dear, Hope you have a nice Sunday Elsie!

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    5. I had the best Sunday a girl can have =)

      I hope you did too xoxo

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  14. I believe in Stuart Smalley's affirmation, LOL -- "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!"

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    1. ha ha ha! Hello flashback!

      "That's just stinkin' thinkin!"

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  15. Its amazing how watching something that is there for entertainment purposes brings up all these deep feelings and thoughts. I initially hate it when it happens to be because I feel all down about everything for a few days, but then, when I come through it I'm reminded that I've been through the worst of it and if I can survive what I have, then I can get through anything. NOT that I want to be tested again...!

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    1. Being tested can suck but remembering you've been through the worst of it really does help get you through it. Also, as time passes, it won't take a few days to get over that hump but just a few moments of reflection and *poof* it's done! =)

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    2. And THAT is amazing feeling.

      By the way, my son has developed a habit of bringing up Honey Boo Boo and making fun of and that herd she calls a family whenever people come over. He gets very philosophical. Where the hell that comes from...

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    3. My daughter does the same thing - saying "redneckognize" and stuff - gack! At least your son is philosophical. Peanut is doing her head back and forth and mimicking her. I need to find a priest and exorcise the demons now!! =P

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  16. I am going to post my longer response to this post. Here I will simply say the traditionalist in me is preventing me from watching Elementary.

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    1. I will respect that and say - c'mon Monkey - give it a shot...just one or two viewings....but it's hard to comment without knowing what you have to say...

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  17. Sounds like the writers of Sherlock did a good job on doing their research and conveying everything properly then. Definitely an important aspect when it comes to grabbing the viewers.
    I can see where you're coming from with the insecurities thing. If you're used to having an escape route for those, but you're no longer "allowed" to use it, that can be pretty stressful.

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    1. The writers did a fantastic job. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they had recovering addicts on their staff. It was written that well.

      The drugs provided an illusion of creativity. I know I am creative and I know I write well but there is always a deep seated feeling that I'm just not "enough" and that the drugs gave me that edge I needed, which of course isn't true.

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  18. Yeah, I think that's why a lot of people choose to stay off mental health drugs, too. They're afraid they'll lose their creativity if they're medicated for their bi polar. Those highs can be very attractive.

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    1. I've heard the same thing. They feel they don't want the feelings "muted" in anyway even though the lows can be quite painful for them. I don't have any experience with that though.

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  19. The insecurities being sober... interesting. I no longer think like that I finally generally accept me as I am, I know I no longer look to external things to allow me to show you that you should be amazed at what I am - example... recently someone I know bought a new car, a big expensive flash car, if I've seen one picture of it on Facebook I've seen a thousand! I realised years back I've have been jealous today it is just a car. I have a nice car, it does what I need it to - I realise that I also no longer look through car ads thinking "Should I buy x or y - does that project the image I want to project"... now I'm me and ok with that - with regard to cars.

    However I still have deep rooted insecurities those are the ones internal not the ones reflected in my external ownership of things flashy - they are more difficult as the battles are internal. Now that is the sort of thing that'll drive me to drink - the "am I good enough for myself?" question that is the one I'm constantly at war with. Today I've not drunk (so far) and have big desire or need to so I think I'm winning the battle of the day - tomorrow... well I'll marshal the troop once that day begins.

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    1. That's where I am, I think too. I don't really care about my car, my house or things like that anymore. I still battle with self-esteem because of what happened with Devin but even that is coming back quite well.

      Like you, it's the deep seated insecurities that nag at me even after all these years but it's also what made me realize that while I may have been working on the anon side, I needed to work on addict side too. I needed a healthy balance because I am, after all both an addict and married to an addict. So, now I go to both meetings. It was in the AA meeting where I began to feel that emptiness fill and those insecurities feel less burdensome. Does that make sense?

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  20. Yes
    Yes
    Yes
    Yes
    Yes
    and Yes

    You are :)

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    1. That just made my night, Barfly. Thank you!!!

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  21. I have seen the shorts to this show and think I would enjoy it but I have not got around to seeing it yet

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    1. I think you would really enjoy it! I'm glad you get to see it over there.

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  22. An excellent show even with the female Watson which took a little getting used to!

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    1. I thought the same thing, especially since she is so "girly" but her character grew on me. I'm glad you like her and the show, Fran!

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  23. I struggle with a lot of the same fears and insecurities as any other recovering addict, and you have just expressed them nicely. However, I have found that denial can sometimes be my friend: when those fears start getting louder in my head and my heart, denial is my friend. I tell myself I will worry about that tomorrow, because "after all, tomorrow is another day". That frees me up to concentrate on today, and today? I have a reprieve; today, I have freedom from active addiction. I'll take it for today, because just for today, I'm good enough. Just for today, I can make it through the day without using. And that? Is a miracle. I love you!

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    1. Thank you for the kudos, Cindy. My only fear with denial stems from my recent problems with it with Devin although I understand the reprieve it can bring. The ability to say, "It's going to be a ME day today" or whatever and then not worry about those nagging feelings creeping in. I love you too!!!

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  24. I hope you are ok Elsie. I watch for your posts, you know.

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    1. Thanks Barfly! I appreciate that very much. I've done a couple of posts on my other blog this week so this blog got a bit neglected. I'm hanging in there though. Hope all is right in your world!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.