A few weeks ago, I was watching a great new show, Elementary, with my husband. It’s a modern day Sherlock Holmes and I love it. It’s one of my new favorites of the season, right up there with Chicago Fire.
(For anyone keeping track, my love affair with Honey Boo Boo is officially over. I saw an episode of how they interacted with people outside of their home and they had no regard for others or their property, it was horrible and disrespectful and my daughter is no longer allowed to watch that crap. Where was I? Right, rambling, how unlike me.)
Sherlock was investigating the kidnapping of his friend’s daughter and the friend is also his ex-drug dealer. The case turns out to be a bit more difficult than he anticipates and he begins to allow self-doubt to creep into his head along with his friend’s doubtful words.
Sherlock’s friend tells Sherlock he isn’t as talented when he’s not high and not as perceptive and his friend brings Sherlock drugs to help him solve the case. Sherlock is full of so much self-doubt and insecurity about his ability to solve this particular case without the help of drugs heightening his senses, we are left not knowing whether or not he will succumb to the pressure of taking the drugs until the end of the show.
As I sat on the couch and watched Sherlock’s struggle, I could feel my fingers gripping the armrest. Twenty years. It’s been twenty years since I’ve put cocaine up my nose but the way the show framed Sherlock’s inner battle, his insecurities, I felt like I was him.
I understand the inner turmoil of first seeing the drugs right in front of you and saying “NO!” not today. Then walking away, sometimes literally running. Then once sobriety is accomplished, the insecurities set in.
Am I good enough to maintain life in this world?
A Life where I am not high?
Am I really funny?
Am I really pretty?
Will I still be able to write well?
Will I still be creative?
So many insecurities to overcome once sobriety is reached. I think many people forget that. I know I did and it’s a humbling experience, a humbling reminder, as I watch Devin maintain his sobriety for so long but struggle with his insecurities in life as he continues his journey through recovery.
A wonderful reminder in my meetings as I listen to others, and share, I am again reminded of where I was, how far I came and yet I still wonder…
Am I? Will I?