Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Dear Me



I wish in several years ago when my world had collapsed upon itself someone could have sat me down and said, “Elsie, I know what you went through sucked but you are one tough chick and a shit storm is headed your way and you need to surround yourself with people who understand it not people who are toxic.”  I wish someone had done that.  Instead, God sent me a guardian angel and she sent me on the right path but I still strayed, I still went on my own stubborn headed agenda. I’m here to set the record straight and also try to help others avoid making the same mistakes:

Dear Me,

I’m sorry you just found about Devin’s online affair.  I'm sorry it wasn't just porn. But I’m glad you found that backbone of yours again because unfortunately you’re going to need it again soon.  Please listen to your guardian angel when she says Devin is a sex addict because he is, I’m so sorry. Elsie your world is about to be turned upside down but know you can handle it, you’ve been through some tough shit in your life but now is the time to stand strong and focus on you and your children.

Listen to your guardian angel, she’s been put in your life for a reason and won't be here long.  She is telling you about COSA and S-Anon for a reason.  Every fiber of your being wants to focus on Devin and his behaviors, his problems, soon you will want to focus on his affairs, yes there are more.  You’ll want to focus on the women too. Trust me, they aren’t worth your time and they sure aren’t worth neglecting time away from your kids.  They were objects to Devin, nothing more, nothing less and it is you that is making them larger than life while damaging yourself in the process.  Trust me, the images you see will come back to haunt you along with all the words and details you will learn.  They will pop up when you least expect it and at the most intimate moments and ruin far to many days ahead.

There is a piece of wisdom you don’t hesitate to share with Devin yet you don’t seem to see the wisdom in it for yourself.  You tell Devin if he spent as much time on his recovery as he did on his addiction he’d be so much further along by now.  Take a look in the mirror, Elsie.  After your second disclosure day, again, I’m sorry you’ll have another, you spend far to much time obsessing on the other women, then you move on to obsessing over Devin’s recovery.  If you spent that time working on YOU, you yourself would be a healthier person too.

I beg of you, give one of the 12 step programs a chance.  You walked in with such a chip on your shoulder despite your relationship with God.  You couldn’t admit your life was also out of control, you couldn’t admit you needed outside help from others because your massive pride was in the way – take help from others.  These women will help you.  They understand like no others can.  The programs work.  It’s not about “their” religion, it’s not a cult, there’s not some bizarre motive.  It just works. 

If you don't reach out to a program, reach out to a healthy place like church, a counselor or someone who doesn't bash your husband or being a sex addict.  He's a sick person, not a bad person.  Don't let people tell you otherwise.

Trust me.  I’m not going to lie, you’re in for some pretty fucked up times, but you’ll get through it and I think if you had a better network of friends, like COSA or S-Anon, you’d get through it much better.  Oh, and one last tid bit of advice…don’t tell your friends or your family.  You think it’s a great idea.  I assure you, it’s not.  It changes everything, even years later.

I'm happy to say things do get so much better!  You become a much emotionally, healthier person - through the help of a 12 step program.  As they say, it works if you work it.

Love,

Me.

52 comments:

  1. I believe self-reflection is good...looking back now, it seems like ages and you wonder how you could have survived. But you did and you struggle and you make a step everyday towards your goals.

    Happy Tuesday to you ~

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    1. It seems so long ago and like yesterday. Yet long ago. Hard to really put into words, really. =) I just know I'm grateful for the progress I made and for the progress that's to come!

      Have a beautiful day, Heaven.

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  2. You have done quite a lot on your journey Elsie and it's a shame that no one was around back then to tell you all of this, but let's face it: you probably wouldn't have listened. I doubt my younger self would listen if I tried to give them life advice. It's actually good motivation to get to work on building a time machine. Well, anyway, you have that network now and you have that support. No matter what you go through, you have people who'll be there with you for every step you can't make alone.

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    1. So, true, Mark. I was in no position to listen back then. I had someone telling me and I shut her out. It's why I say I don't think I'd pick that time to go back to because I think it'd be a waste, I wasn't ready but who knows? Maybe I'll reach someone today? Someone who is ready to listen now. And, you're right, I have the network I need now and I'm grateful to have them!

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  3. Dear Elsie like always I say you (and really is true)you are a brave woman, really you are and maybe for this I always think God is especially close to you.
    Count me with me dear you are special to me too.
    Have a nice and lovely day!
    You are amazing:)))

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    1. God is close to me for sure. So are many of the women in my S-Anon and my sponsor. Without them I'd still be floundering around and I'd still be lost. Not to mention the support of all my blogging friends, yourself included, my friend!

      Have a wonderful day and I hope you are feeling well!!

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  4. So you have lurkers and you send me over to see your one eye, just to prove it is true once more. Then while there you make me find you gushing over Anne once again and you go all sappy with some special crap, geez my day is ruined already. hahahaAlways great to see how far you have come, even if you have to fix the same steps, get a better hammer and

    nails hahaha and yeah with many around, plenty of support in this here blogland can be found.

    P.S. Glory Dear is such a suck up LOL

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    1. You love visiting my ol' my eyed blog! Now I have to go check and see if I have that avatar on that blog. That would be funny if I did! And, I know you did visit because it was Anne's post that was left as the first post for you to see! Awww, you care! You're a suck up too!!

      You better leave my Gloria alone, cat or I'll kick your ass!!

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    2. Is not true this cat said Im not a suck up, aaah If I would be other life I will LOL
      Only read my comments , but I know Elsie know me and for this I love coming here pfffft cat!

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    3. haha yeah the one eye is there for the comments as it gives a stare. Pfft the cat never sucks up, unless money is involved, a bit of a whore hahahaha

      Pffftso fun making fun of Glory Dear, as she has been buried in the dirt by my little rhyming rear.

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    4. Cat you're such a cynic. Just because people are nice, it doesn't mean they are sucking up. I'm nice to you and God knows I would never suck up to you (that's the Viking womans job) I've said it before and I'll say it again-feck off Cat!

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  5. Takes people a long time to realise the 12 step thing is a journey not a destination, often even those that have been on it a long while! :-)

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    1. I think it may have been something I might have know but wasn't will to actually admit. It wasn't until I really started working my ninth step and really read my tenth (jumping ahead of course) and I was like...huh...this is a state of mind...not a finality. I get it now! LOL

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  6. wish we all had a guardian angel...

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    1. I truly think we all do, Dezzy. I think they are all around us during different times of our lives through different people and sometimes they show themselves and sometimes they don't. Acts of kindness, simple kind words and gestures that lift us up, and then when it's really tough, they step in for a day, a week, a month. Mine was only a short time and then she was gone. I ended up having to track her down over a year later to thank her and then she was gone again. That's how I know she was an angel.

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    2. I know we have them, if we didn't I'd be dead. My flat blew up do to a gas leak when I was in my early 20's. I was planning on cooking a meal and for some reason the idea of eating out popped into my head. I left to go out and 15 minutes later the place blew to kingdom come. The man living below me was blown out onto the street and died three days later. My angel was looking out for me on that day for sure.

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    3. I have a woman in my group who says without hesitation, "there are no coincidences" and this is another example of just that. Your angel was keeping a close eye on you to make sure you'd be here, today, for what you are doing now.

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    4. I wouldn't have met the Hubby and there would be no Spawn.

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    5. Awwww!!!! You made me smile, Anne!

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  7. Big squishy (((hugs))) to you! It's a journey with eleventy thousand twists and turns, and sometimes the journey takes us through dark places. Sometimes, it also takes us through really beautiful places filled with light and hope. I'm glad you're part of my journey!

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    1. Wait a minute! You took my word! "Eleventy" LMFAO!! I thought I was the only person in all the land that used that word. Well, me and one other person whom I stole it from...hmmm...perhaps it's larger than I know!

      Anyhoo, I agree, those dark turns have some of the most beautiful side twists. It's amazing to discover and I never would have known any of those sights if I didn't start down the path of recovery and healing. I couldn't be more grateful to have you on that path too!

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  8. We all need some time warp/wormhole technology that would allow us to go back and reassure ourselves that we can and will get through those difficult times. If only.

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    1. I toyed with using this post as one for the National Wormhole Day blog hop that your posting but nah...I'll do that under my other blog (gosh it's so confusing) and for something far better! =)

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  9. That email must have been absolutely heart breaking to read although I think it was good for you to be told by your "guardian angel." I never knew that you had a blog prior to this Elsie, there's some seriously good reading on there.

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    1. It was surprising, that's for sure LOL I had heard of the term but never associated it with Devin and then when she used it to describe him I was like "NO WAY!" and thus started my dear friend hyper vigilance.

      I'm glad you enjoyed the other blog! Thanks for checking it out.

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  10. I remember all that my dear. I was right too and I did a big happy dance too. See now you have a writing blog and are even going to write a new book.

    It would have been good if you'd had someone like you to help you handle things initially. But you did end up doing things well. And now you can help people new to this experience with your blog and with S Anon. But you know, other people can only help us so much because in the still of the night we our alone with ourselves and with our pain and we must endure it alone in the end. Only God is available to us at those times as His love is unconditional.

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    1. You were there during the last half of my blog and a valuable friend. I was surprised looking back at just how long I've been blogging. It's been a great therapeutic tool.

      Woah, woah, woah, I'm *thinking* about the other book. Devin thinks it's a good idea. I'm just not sure where to begin, how to approach it, etc. I know I could get it finished sooner than the other but again, it'd still take forever and a day and that one I'd feel more pressure (by myself) to get it out there.

      I know with you I can say this: God has always been with me. Others say their Higher Power, I am not embarrassed to say God. He was there the night I found the first set of pictures of Devin and suspected the initial affair. He prepared me, He calmed me and He gave me Serenity, Peace and Calm when I needed it most just like when I had the shotgun held to my head all those years ago (you know what I'm talking about). It's during times of doubt, times of fear, times of pain, both emotional and physical that instead of dwelling in pity I reach for Him because I know He's there. I am not alone. His love can bring me to tears it humbles me so much.

      On the same note, you're right, we can't help others fix themselves. We can only lead the way as examples. The tools are there for them to pick up and use. The whole leading a horse to water but not being able to make them drink comes to mind.

      Alright, that's my ramble LOL

      I hope YOU are well, my friend. You are on my mind more than you know. xoxoxo

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    2. Without God, both of us would have kicked it by now. Life hasn't been kind to either of us, but we manage somehow to trundle on despite it all.

      I'm not afraid to say I believe in God either. These days it's okay for people to mock us for our faith, but it doesn't bother me as I know I'm not alone. I can't imagine getting through life thinking that there was no purpose to anything.

      I'm still really depressed, but I know I'll come out of it when the weather improves. I always do!

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  11. You sure do have your share of problems Elsie. Just checked out your old blog, I never knew you had another one.

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    1. Nah, ain't nothing but a thang as they said back where I used to live. Same problem, just better mindset. My old blog was one of confusion because it was written during my time of hyper vigilance. I had to close it due to stalking. Things are so much better now!!!!

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  12. Good lord! I thought you'd deleted the old blog completely. Just went back and read some of the old posts and it's like two different people.
    Some of it seems like a life-time ago but it really wasn't. :)

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    1. I just couldn't do it lily. My heart and soul are in that blog and while it pains me to see all I've been through and how I handled it, I know I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. It's why I want others to know they can make it through too!

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  13. I've been pretty dedicated to the "don't try to change other people" idea for a while now. Except my kids. I can do my best to change them. Anything else is just crazy making. Not that the kids are not.

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    1. I wish I could say the same, Leon. I've been trying to change my hubby for um, years. It took several counselors and this program to make me realize that ain't gonna happen. As for the kids, well, it's our job to do our best to mold them up to a certain point and then set them free. Eighteen is the magic number in our house. While every fiber of my being wants to say, "You need to register your car, you shouldn't go out with that girl you could do better." I know they have to learn on their own. That's not to say I don't still say things like, "I'll come get you if you've been drinking." or "If you need to talk, come to me, no judgment ever." and thank God they do!!

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  14. I love seeing life thru the perspective of a bit of time and distance... look how far you've come Elsie, just look how far you've come!!

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    1. I just needed time and I needed tools. I needed to trust in God and remember I'm not alone even when I felt alone in a crowd of people. I've always been that strong woman, I just forgot along the way.

      Thanks for always being here, Josie.

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  15. I just got my power back and am trying to play catch up, but I will read your old blog for sure!

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    1. Well, JoJo, if you want to see the "holy shit" parts, start at the beginning. Whew!

      Was your power out from the storm? Please say it ain't so!!!

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  16. You have come so far from the days when you were writing the old blog I can really tell the difference if I didn't know it was written by you I would not had thought so.....

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    1. Thank you, Jo-Anne. I'm glad you can see the difference.

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  17. Hi Elsie.. How do U deal with online lurkers who send U emails instead of leaving decent comments? Interesting to know :)

    Anyway, back to the jerk from your past, am sure U're just glad that's all over now. Focus on people who matter most to U today. Time to inspire :)

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    1. Hi MamaTim,

      I don't mind the lurkers at all. I understand them completely. The nature of this blog can cause the need to remain anonymous and I welcome their emails. They are people in need just like me. Often they are looking for advice or words of comfort. It's one of the reasons I continue to blog.

      Spammers on the other hand, well, those I find humor in. Most of the time. If they are obnoxious, I tap into my NY roots and have a bit of fun.

      I don't write for comments so much as I write for me. Sure, the comments let me know "Elsie, what you wrote was decent or helped." Yet, I'm always surprised when I publish something I think is going to get a ton of comments and it gets less than ten. Funny!

      The "jerk from my past" is actually not from my past but my husband now and hopefully my husband for the future. I don't find him to be a jerk. He's an addict, a sober, recovering addict, much like myself. His actions were painful and rocked me to the core but they were the result of his addictions and I have forgiven him for his past and have decided to move forward. I will continue to move forward with him as long as he is on a healthy path to a healthy recovery.

      You are absolutely correct! I focus on people who matter most today. Me, my kids, my family, my friends and helping others. That's where it's at!! =)

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    2. Thanks for clearing some matters for me, Elsie. I'm a new follower and hoping to come back for more, U keep writing, and inspiring.. I love your honesty. hugs xoxox

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    3. Thank you so much for coming back again, MamaTim! This can be a very confusing blog as it is and adding in my hubby's sex addiction can make it much more confusing. I'm glad you decided to return!! Many hugs back!!

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  18. i appreciate your honesty here...and i do think it will help others that find themselves there....our stories in the grand scheme are not all that different...and i like the honest wisdom you share with yourself in your letter....ok, jumping over to old blog now...

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    1. Thank you, Brian. I love how many people I run across who have some type of "I can relate to this, not on such a grand scale but I can relate". Wait, that sounded awful. I guess what I mean is, I love we all can connect on different levels of life somehow. I think it's why we love to write.

      Enjoy the other blog!!

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    2. smiles...the grand themes i think we all go through...how we do is differnt...we all have pain...we all experience some level of addiction...whether we admit it or not...and hopefully we all find joy at some point as well...

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  19. All these things I know about you, and yet I never knew you had another blog. WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?

    Kidding aside, I can definitely see the change from then to now. Or maybe I should say growth. It's quite inspiring, and I'm happy that you're thinking about writing that new book (I don't mind saying this since Anne brought it up above). If you need any help starting it, etc, give us a shout!

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    1. Secrets, so many secrets I keep from you! ha ha ha

      It feels like ages and ages ago that I began and closed the other blog. The non-fiction book is something I really feel pulling at me which makes me think it needs to be done.

      Thank you for your offer - be careful, I may just take you up on it!!

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  20. How in the world do you keep another blog? I have my main blog and then a travel blog that I keep posts of places we go.... mostly for myself. You must very busy!!

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    1. I really only have two blogs - this one and my writing blog. This one is geared towards my recovery, Migraines, and life in general and the writing blog is where I get to write (duh) =)

      Welcome to my blog! I'm happy to have you!!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.