Here’s your chance my Hooligan’s, your chance to run to another blog. This may turn out to be long only because I don’t know exactly where it’s headed. It’s one of my “back to the roots” posts, where I allow my mind to journal and think. At the end, fun! I promise.
The other day, I did something I never thought I’d ever do. I attended an AA meeting. Wow, just wow. From the moment I stepped out of my car to the moment I said good-bye, I felt welcomed, loved, and a sense of belonging. It was truly amazing.
I don’t know why I feared anything different. We treat newcomers to S-Anon the same way, yet I was still scared to attend. I was afraid because I’ve been drug free for so long, they wouldn’t understand why I was there, but there was no inquisition. No one asked why I was there. They simply accepted my need to attend a meeting.
I was greeted with a bright smile and hello in the parking lot and accompanied to the door. I was welcomed to a table and invited to sit down. The fear of cliques dissipated as I watched people go from table to table and hug one another, men and women alike greeted each other, introduced themselves, and got older attendees their coffee. I was surprised to feel a smile on my face in a place I had been so nervous to be not even five minutes before.
For months I have been missing something. Something inside me is no longer able to hang on to the peace and serenity I found after I worked my fourth step. I lost my emotional sobriety and I miss it terribly. I long for it back.
What is emotional sobriety? For me, it’s being able to feel my feelings. All of them and handle them properly, without a constant feeling of discontent and unsettlement. It’s so hard to explain once you’ve reached a place of calm and that calm feeling has left. It’s like having an empty pit within you.
I’m not running around screaming at people but the desire to do it is there. It has happened a time or two with Devin where I’ve made snarky comments and that’s not healthy for either one of us.
I knew it had to do with Devin’s recovery. He has reached a plateau, according to our counselor, and without a change in his treatment plan, he is in danger of another relapse. His behavior has become erratic as he works his fourth step and while I understand this on a rational level, it’s hard to understand as the person living with him. He understands the need for changes and he makes them but then reverts back to old habits.
Instead of being able to distance myself, instead of finding the compassion I’ve had in the past as a fellow addict, I became frustrated and impatient. I am more like Veruca Salt, I wanted it NOW! I still stayed out of his recovery, I still stayed out of his collecting and buying habit but I no longer fight fairly. I am allowing myself to be baited instead of walking away. I am engaging in behavior that isn’t healthy for me.
I know I cannot change him. Only he can change himself. This meant something needed to be done for me. There was something I needed to do, another tool I needed to add to my toolbox but I wasn’t sure what. Then I realized I needed to address my core issues, sure, I was sober but I’m still an addict.
An addict who never addressed her addiction with any type of counseling or any type of program. I just quit drugs cold turkey and considered myself magically cured. It was through the S-Anon program that I realized it doesn’t work like that, not even close bub!
I chose that particular meeting because of the time and location and it was truly a God send. I left feeling less empty inside. My spiritual cup had been filled. Not my religious cup, my spiritual cup. There is a difference. Again, hard to explain unless you’ve sat in on a meeting. There is so much hope, so much love, so much understanding and so much compassion. It’s like getting a giant hug and knowing you’re not alone. Even though you don’t quite know what’s wrong inside, you’re not alone.
I’m not sure this made sense but I wanted to share it just the same.
Now for the fun stuff I promised. I was watching my beloved Fox News and saw a highlight of the Harlem Shake. Take time to laugh today, my friends, I did: