Thursday, January 3, 2013

Serenity Now!!!!

Funny how we think something is lost, gone forever, but truly it's simply misplaced for a short time.  

That's what happened to me for a few weeks when I allowed myself to become immersed in Devin's shifted addiction that has now been clarified by our counselor as possible OCD. (Clarified to me, not to him).  I lost my serenity, my peace, my calm.
I went searching for my serenity but kept coming up empty.  I dug into toolbox of recovery tools but it wasn't there.  I even went into my U-haul box that I keep - remember this analogy I used some time ago?


"I look at my recovery and his recovery as two separate boxes in my mind.  Big ass brown packing boxes.  Mine is worn and frayed from constant use.  Sometimes the contents are scattered all over the ground while I'm busy working on myself. Then I pack them up neatly and put them back until the next day. My SA's box gets opened once a week without fail but the edges are still brand new, no wear and tear.  I've learned to accept that but it took a long time to stop trying to dust off his box, take out the tools and show them to him myself.  If he's going to the meetings, he knows they are in there."

I searched deep in that box too, but, to no avail, my serenity, my peace and my calm were gone!  Suddenly it occurred to me!  I keep them so close to hand all the time, they must be where I keep my credit card and ID card when I'm in a hurry at the gas station or food shopping; my back pocket.  

Bingo!  There they were! Happily, I reached in and took them out embraced each and every one of them again.  Once I did, I was able to step back away from Devin's chaos and notice something very strange.  It ain't so chaotic anymore.

The budget has been done.  He's come to me for FANOS.  He's talked of the noise quieting in his brain.  He's going to the gym.  He's connecting with our son.  The meds are working.

I embrace my my serenity, peace and calm and remain cautiously optimistic.

42 comments:

  1. Cautious optimism is good. I'm glad you were able to find that serenity again, and that Devin is doing so much. He's trying hard, and that should help keep both of you optimistic.

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    1. It's amazing what a set of good friends who understand and the ability to step back and detach can do for myself. It helps that he is doing a lot of things too but I still am cautious not to get to wrapped up in it. Now, to figure out how the hell to do yoga! Quieting my mind is not something I know how to do unless I have a Migraine LOL

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  2. oh dear serenity is one of most appreciate thi.gs Elsie I m happy you feel better.
    blessings dear!
    xo

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    1. That Serenity Prayer was said so many times yesterday, I lost count =P Funny thing is, I had to cheat and look at one time because I had forgotten the words. How does that happen? Crazy I tell ya, crazy!

      Thanks, Gloria. That Migraine kicked my butt for sure! A good reminder of why I can't work. Sometimes I need it.

      xoxoxo

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  3. Great advice... In the AA big book there is the passage know as "The Promises"... in there it says. "We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace"... It does at times seem fleeting but that is because I fail to allow myself to settle into it, creating another reason to be pushed out of it

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    1. I have got to sit down and read the big book. I just need to do it. I have someone in my group who refers to it often and everything she says are pearls of wisdom, just like you. I want to say she said one time the first 135 pages were priceless to her. I have it on my bookmarks to refer to for bits and pieces but when I read comments like yours, hear what she said to me yesterday about letting go, it's just like, alright Elsie, c'mon, read the big book already, it ain't that big!

      So, I will, at some point, allow myself the time to read it from the beginning rather than jump all over it.

      I find as I re-work my 8th step, there is more peace to be found.

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  4. I love Seinfeld!

    I'm happy to hear you have found your serenity and peace again! It sounds like Devin is putting in some work which will lead the both of you to a better place.

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    1. Seinfeld rocks! I own the whole series on DVD thanks to Santa and his elves over the years. Why? I don't really know, seeing how it's on every single day! LOL

      I'm so happy too. Not having serenity and peace after having it for so long sucked! And now, having glimpses of of the old "new" Devin again is bring that hope again. Yay!

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  5. I agree with Mark - cautious optimism is good. Glad you're feeling better :)

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    1. I continue to proceed with cautiousness because I need to remain a bit detached to keep from falling into that world of denial again. I have to see him in a healthy recovery again before I can fully become comfortable again. It's okay, I'm fine with that now, it's the path I chose when I chose to stay married to him.

      I'm so glad I'm feeling better too! That Migraine sucked!

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  6. One step at a time...that's all you can do when deal with addiction and being the spouse of an addict. As for yoga, yeah I hear ya on that. I can't quiet my mind to save my life. Overthinking and worry are the things that kill me, cause me stress, make me sick to my stomach & trigger headaches. It's always something. I am at my most serene when immersed in crafts but as soon as I let my mind resurface from creativity, all the 'what ifs' and 'oh my god we can't pay our bills' comes back.

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    1. I think that may be the problem for me. When I'm in pain, I'm so focused on being out of pain that I can use guided imagery to do it. When I'm triggering, same thing. However, when all is right in my world and I try to calm my mind with guided imagery or yoga or whatever, I find myself thinking about all sorts of random stuff. Is the door locked, did the kids take the garbage out, did I pay the car loan yet, why does it smell like lemons in here? Just crap thoughts. Yoga will take work for me LOL

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  7. I love the images of your recovery or journey as separate boxes ~ Great metaphor Elsie ~

    I am happy that you find your peace & serenity ~ Even with new eyes, things may not be so bad after all ~

    Have a lovely day ~

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    1. Thank you so much for the kudos on the metaphor, Heaven, it's greatly appreciated.

      I am hoping things are getting better but it's only been two weeks since the meds were introduced and that is so soon it's hard to tell. I'll still remain optimistic though =)

      Have a beautiful day!

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  8. This was great to read, life feels so much better when it's on an even keel. We can't always control the waves in life, but we don't have to let them swamp our boat. Good for you for finding your way back to what you know works for you! Fingers crossed for better weeks ahead!

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    1. Thank you, Josie. I'm grateful to finally know what it is that works for me. I'm also grateful to know when I am not at peace because for a while there, it wasn't always the case. I love your boat analogy!

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  9. A long time ago, we had these two brothers living with us sharing a room. One of them was not the neatest, and the other wanted everything clean all the time. It was a source of conflict while the one tried to get the other to change. It wasn't over issues like clothes being everywhere or anything, but one would make his bed and the other wouldn't, things like that. We had to get the neat one to give up trying to control the other one. If the bed was that big a deal to him, he would need to make his brother's bed, things like that. Things got a lot better between them after that.

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    1. That reminded me of..hang on, let me see if I can remember, Felix and Unger (?) from the Odd Couple.

      There is definitely an element of control in there for me. Just like I had to learn I couldn't control is sex addiction, I had to learn I can't control this shifted addiction - whatever it ends up being. I have to back the hell up and let him be him. I will be fine either way. Although, I can't clean up his messes, that's his job to do, not mine =(

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    2. Yeah, that can be a hard thing to do, let someone else clean up their own mess. I try to do that with my wife sometimes when she leaves the kitchen a mess, but I've learned that, once she's left it, she's not going to go back and clean it up, so I do it, because it's in my way, which enables her to leave it, but, then, it's in my way and bothering me, not her, so it's just better for me to do it and not say anything about it. If I tried to control -her- over it and make her clean it up, it would just be bad, so I take care of it.

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    3. It seems you have found your own peace - to take care of it so it no longer bothers you and it also makes your wife happy too. Voila! Peace, love and harmony in your home!

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  10. Remaining serene in the face of adversity is often the best thing you can do and in certain situations it becomes the only thing you can do. Best of luck with all of this Elsie, we're all rooting for you and your husband. I hope he doesn't have OCD, I know that it can be pretty hellish to live with on a personal level.

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    1. I admit, my interest was piqued a few weeks back when I read your blog, Matthew. While he doesn't have the same form, it's quite the opposite, it's still a form, nonetheless. It's why I try to remain optimistic about the meds and so far there is a change, so, fingers crossed! Thank you!!

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  11. Find that serenity can be a tough thing but when you do it is oh so nice. Hopefully things remain on this track, as it sounds like everything is a going well and optimisium and a positive outlook can surely help a ton. Staying away from robbing oompa loompas helps too hahaha

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    1. It is tough to quiet the mind and find peace but by God, I'm gonna do it if it kills me! No, seriously, I actually found the used Yoga game I was looking for - yeah, I'm doing Yoga on Kinnect - I'm such a dork!

      You liked that article I gave you on the oompa loompas, huh? ha ha ha!!!

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  12. When it appears that true serenity is going to elude me, I stop to think that things in my life have happened for a reason and generally (certainly not always) they turn out well.
    Except for the time I let that frikkin' family of squirrels use my hot tub....

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    1. It's being able to have that ability to step back and surrender and say okay, there is a reason things are going on and it's not always for me to know why. I feel that way too. I know I'm only given what I can handle.

      Now, squirrels in the hot tub actually sounds like a ton o' fun, Al

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  13. I like it when I think of good things and good things happen. I'm glad everything is getting better, Elsie. :)

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    1. I like that too, D4. Positive thoughts bring positive results? I'm looking forward to a great weekend!

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  14. That is wonderful news. I always try to be cautiously optimistic - because being negative sucks, but I don't want to get punched in the gut by reality either!

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    1. Thanks, Mel! I have to remain cautious only because I don't want to end up in denial. He has to get into a good recovery and then I can get back into that comfy zone again =)

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  15. I'm glad that you are feeling more at peace right now.

    I may be late commenting and may not comment at all for a little while. The Hubby's last round of EMG's came back and it's grim. Much worse than last year. He has extensive dead spots in his arms and hands as well as in his legs. We will be at St. Vincents hospital all of tomorrow and maybe into the weekend for more tests. There will definitely be one more major surgery this year and most likely two. I don't know how he'll survive another cervical surgery, the recovery on the last one almost did us both in. The heart has gone out of me.

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    1. Commenting is the last thing you need to be worried about with me, Anne. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your hubby and the rest of the family as does my heart. I know you and the Hubby are strong and resilient and will come through this next surgery and the recovery with your faith by your sides. Don't lose faith, Anne, I'll keep praying for you.

      As always, I'm here if you need me.

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  16. Here's the being in the moment.

    PS: I hear it's a BIG coupon flyer weekend. Hope you get in on some of the fun.

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  17. I just finished up clipping and was able to get some for the next two weeks. My favorite were the dog food coupons!! =))

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  18. I'm late to the party as usual... family stuff, also as usual... but I'm glad to hear you're finding a bit of serenity. Yoga helps me too, and while you do yours on Kinect, I do mine from the P90X videos, so... equally dorky, right? Getting yelled at to 'be more peaceful!' by celebrity bigmouth Tony Horton.

    But dammit, it's a good workout and after that last ommm I always feel like a new person, ready to start the day.

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    1. I hope all is okay in your world and it's just the "normal" family stuff.

      My brother sent me the P90X videos but I couldn't do more than watch them because of the high impact. I didn't even realize they had Yoga on there! I could have saved myself the whopping $14.98 on that used Kinect game. Now, I get talked to by some chick who is all, "Namaste", "Nameste" every ten seconds. I can't picture Tony Horton Namasting your ass! Dorky - not from him. More like scary! LOL

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  19. My pups only eat Blue - love when I get those coupons. And I've even scored a few cans of wet Blue. Love that.

    Glad you're having fun with the printables.

    PS: What do you mean got some for the next two weeks?

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    1. Ours are Purina One babies. One likes chicken best but will settle for other flavors if necessary, spoiled brat =P

      Oh, I meant that I was able to find the dog food coupon on several other sites, and it didn't tell me I was past my limit even though I was still on my lap top. Usually, I have to get up off my lazy butt and use the desk top to print more than two even if it is from a different site. It's like they are all connected through my IP or something.

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  20. how many times have i screamed 'serenity now!' just like george.

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    1. I say that all the time, just like George's dad! Hilarious!!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.