Thursday, January 24, 2013

Inner Dialogue

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“Elsie, there you are.  I’ve been looking for you.”

“Leave me alone.”

“C’mon, you know it’s for your own good.”

“I’m tired.”

“No you aren’t.  You’re scared.”

“Fuck you.”

“Testy, testy.  Let’s work on someone else, how about that?”

“I don’t feel like it.  I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“That’s what you said yesterday and the day before.  You also said you were going to write in your novel, blog, be more active with your recovery to get past this bump.”

“Back off! I thought I’d do yoga and read.  Instead, I went to a S-Anon meeting and then I read.  I didn’t have the energy to do yoga right now.  I don’t have energy to much of anything.”

“You’re making excuses.”

“I know.  I know.  It’s easier to avoid this particular issue than it is to deal with it head on.  You’re right.  I’m not doing myself any good by pretending it’s not there, it’s time to dig my heels in and face it despite how much pain it will cause me.”

~~~@@~~~@@~~~

That is an example of the inner dialogue I’ve had with myself the last week or so after I accidently ran into a road block while making a list of the people I need to make amends to for my step work.

I was in the process of doing a resentment prayer for someone else on my list and felt peaceful inside and BAM I started writing down another person I felt I owed amends.  As I began writing down the whys of my amends to this person an old hurt began to surface, one that I barely touched on in my forth step, and I had to stop writing. 

I realized the hurt surrounding the entire situation was deep and although it didn’t involve this person directly, I sought that person’s guidance later on and was told to “get over it” and it’s not something one just gets over, especially as a child. 

I know I must do a resentment prayer for this person too but first and foremost, I must figure out how to overcome the hurt that was done to me as a child.  I must figure out how to move forward, or as the person said, “get over it”, but in a healthy way, thirty years later.

The incident itself was painful and is for me to share with my counselor, my sponsor and my group, but not on my blog right now.  I shared it with my counselor, almost in passing, last week, and she confirmed it was abuse.  I’ll meet with her again on Monday and go into more depth with her on how to overcome this obstacle I’ve run into but I know doing what I’ve been doing, avoiding it, isn’t healthy.

I need to confront it, I need to deal with it and I need to carry on.  I have to get back on track by doing the things I love to do: writing, blogging, reading, yoga and most important, spending time with my family and being present.

There are times when I find doing my step work extremely challenging and this is one of those times.  However, I know once I’m done, it will also be rewarding.

Thank God for rockin' counselors!

45 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that you've hit a little rocky patch of self doubt Elsie but I'm glad to hear that you've got things kind of back on track with everything.

    The abuse thing though is a little bothersome Elsie, if you had to go through something horrible I feel so bad that you did and if you even decide never to share here I would understand it, hopefully you're feeling better soon though.

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm going to get myself back on track and I'm going to talk things through with my counselor to make sure I process everything correctly this time around and not sweep it under the rug. Sometimes we have to feel a bit of pain in order to feel all the joy in our life too. I know I can do it, I'm a strong chick!

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  2. sweet sweet excuses, can't live with them, can't live without them... they're the sweet chocolate of our consciousness and will :) And when we find some medical or health problem as an excuse, that is actually the sweetest kind, sweeter and more poisonous than the nectar from Olympus... :) Been there, am still there, will be there... again...

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    1. I was making more excuses not to deal with the core issue because it's so darn scary and it's much easier to avoid it than to face it but it's not doing me any good to ignore it after all these years. Time to buck up and confront it through the help of my counselor. She'll guide me through it safely.

      Now, you, Mr. Dezz, we need you to do the same thing.....

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  3. I hope you are able to come to terms with this painful childhood memory. This has been a really bad month for a lot of people. Hope things pick up soon. I make lots of excuses too. I've mastered it...

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    1. Thank you, JoJo. I know I will be okay because I have the best counselor in all the land - well, I think so, anyway =) Seriously, though, I think just being able to face it now, after all these years and realizing it really was abuse is a big step in and of itself. Wonder why we make so many excuses?

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  4. Thank you as always for sharing. Your blogging family is always here for you :)

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    1. Thanks for letting me share, OE. It's good to know I have a safe place to open up and not be judged.

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  5. Geez finally back and had to have a good whine, always expected from the feline hahaha

    I have that inter dialogue too, but then tell it to shut the feck up and go about my stretching and such. Other things I'd rather do, but that needs to get done to get rid if this crap, hopefully.

    Hope the process goes more smoothly now and you can keep stepping away at your bay and be back to play with your one eyed display haha

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    1. I'd like some crackers and cheese to go with my wine please and thank you very much! ha ha ha, cat!

      That inner dialogue can drive us insane and if we don't address it sooner or later it can really drive us up a wall or in your case, cat, climbing up a curtain or something! We really need to address our stuff and take care of it ASAP.

      I know, I keep saying "I'll be back" like the Terminator and then I leave for a week or so instead of a day or two ha ha ha!

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    2. haha the cat stopped climbing the curtains when Pat nailed them to the wall.

      Well if you time travel like him, be sure and get the lottery numbers for me up here please!

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  6. Let me just say that abuse is bullshit. I'm sending you great big (((hugs))) and lots of love!

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    1. It is bullshit, Cindy, so I'm going to kick it in the balls (okay, get counseling) and deal with it (with more counseling). Thank you so much for the love and hugs. Muchly appreciated!!

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  7. Yeah, I think we all have those kinds of internal dialogues. And I guess bumping up against something/someone that causes you that much distress and reflection is something you need to work out and get resolved. I'll wish you good luck on that. And also remind you that creative writing is a fantastic outlet for those kinds of inner conflicts. :))

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    1. Thank you very much, L.G. It's greatly appreciated. I need to remember, or more exact, I need to learn, how to channel these inner conflicts into my writing. I can write about them but I need to learn how to write around them and through them. Once I can do that, I'll be golden for sure! I've got it in poetry but in short stories I get to enmeshed, I think.

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  8. I wish I had something positive to add, but I don't on this one.

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    1. You just added something positive. Thank you, Andrew.

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  9. It takes a lot of courage to deal with those old hurts, but I know you have it in you!

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    1. It took a bit to find that inner courage but, yes, I agree Debra - I've got it in me to face it =)

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  10. One of my good friends told me recovery is like an onion. Take one layer off and there is another and cutting into onions makes you cry. Spot on analogy!

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    1. That is a perfect analogy and at times working my recovery has made me cry and after a good cry I feel so much better for it! I hope you don't mind but I'm taking that analogy and passing it along to others, Furtheron!

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  11. I think we all have those kind of arguments with ourselves, keep your chin up!

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    1. I agree, Ray. I think it's common for all of us to have some type of inner debate at some point. It's what we do about it that counts. Thanks!

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  12. On the serious side, I've found it is getting to the point where you realistically face your part/fault in the problem that you are able to best bring it to God.

    Less serious, the lead off picture- I would have never pictured you looking like that!Yeah, I know, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

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    1. That's what has made this such a difficult part of my program. Having to face all of my wrongs and look at all the harm I have done to people over the years. It's very humbling.

      LOL - See and all along you thought I was a girl! ha ha ha!! I looked for "inner dialogue" on Google and that was one of the first images I thought made sense, I didn't even think about it being a guy!

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  13. I don't know what it is but I feel you should know that I'm going through something similar. There is an incredibly deep emotional scar from my childhood that, no matter what, I can't seem to get rid of. It's something I barely think about, barely ever acknowledge, but it's there. I even started a second blog so that I could share it, but I still haven't. I can say it doesn't hurt me, but it obviously does if I can't even talk about it.

    I have faith in you though that whatever it is, you can and will overcome it.

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    1. It's good you're writing about what happened in your childhood, Mark. I didn't even acknowledge what happened in mine until recently and didn't even really look at it as being abuse until very recently and when the counselor said it was abuse I still shrugged it off until someone in my meeting said she had something similar happen to her. We tend to minimize stuff that happen to us for some reason. Like it's not important because it happened to us, yet when we hear other people speak about it, we show compassion...at least that's what I do. It makes no sense. Once I realized I did that, I realized I needed to work on it. That's why I say, I am glad you are writing about it, getting it out.

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  14. I was going to write something about shared issues but the emotions welled up in my throat and I couldn't. My emotional outburst wasn't for me, I dealt with my 'stuff' years ago but for you.

    The thing that differentiates you from other people Elsie, is your self-awareness and that's something that a lot of people don't possess. It's the thing that got you were you are now and the it's the thing that will continue to help you heal, in all areas of your life.

    As always, thanks so much for sharing this with all of us. It couldn't have been easy. xx

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    1. Thank you, lily. I'm sorry you went through it too but I'm glad you came through the other side healthy and that gives me hope, thank you for that.

      I have to credit the self-awareness to several things. My desire to live a healthy, happy life, working the program and digging deep in my fourth step. Plus, I think getting older helps too LOL It comes with age, I think.

      Thanks for being here and listening - or reading...

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  15. My sisters and I all found Cognitive Behavioral Therapists years ago and it was effective for all of us. Getting past the initial "don't talk, don't tell" that the abuser uses to keep you quiet is scary. CBT was worth the effort as we are no longer "victims"

    Best wishes with your therapy.

    I won't be in until mid-February as I'm busy with life. I won't be commenting as there's no time for that. Please don't be offended.

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    1. My rockin' counselor uses CBT in her therapy sessions with others so maybe she'll decide to use it with me? I know she uses the overall concept in the way she counsels. Talking on Monday makes me nervous but I know I need to do it. I'm so sorry you and your sisters went through it too, Anne, but I'm happy you were able to get past all the hurt.

      I'd be more worried than offended when I didn't see you pop up on Blogger. I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember I'm always here if you need me. I'm just an email away.

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  16. oh dear Elsie Im always question about me and all I make, sometimes, about the kids, hubby and etc.
    all of us make these things
    Dear hope you have a nice and quiet weekend (the quiet is the best sometimes) big hugs to you dear Elsie
    xo

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  17. Talking to yourself again, Elsie? People are gonna think you're nuts! But thats quite ok, you fit right in with the rest of us!

    If there was a way to completely bury old hurts I'd tell you but I'm searching for that answer myself. All we can do is confront it when it shows its ugly face. But how you confront it is what defines your happiness. And you seem to take these things head on and that is an inspiration to us all

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  18. Why is our inner dialogue is always so negative......or maybe it is just my inner dialogue that is always negative

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  19. Well I have an inner dialogue too Elsie, sometimes not positive. But I squished it and do my thing, and get on with my daily life. Sometimes I ask my hubby to listen to me and get it off my chest but ultimately I turn to writing to burn off the negativity ~

    I also feel that there are some personal things you can't share in a blog unless you are ready for it ~ Have a good week ahead ~

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    1. Writing is truly a blessing for me too. Thankfully, I have so many outlets now between the blog, a sponsor, my S-Anon group, a counselor that I can finally work the emotions out and get rid of those negative feelings that were getting me down and when I wrote this =)

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  20. As I get older, I find it easier to forgive the people and the things that hurt me. Ten years ago, I just couldn't have. I don't know whether it was me not being strong enough, or not wise enough, but age seems to help.

    I know it won't be easy, but it sounds like you're on the right track. Don't let that inner dialogue get you down. Simply by ignoring mine and going about my day, I'm amazed at how much more I can accomplish when I'm not overthinking it and beating myself up to "do more."

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    1. I was able to work through the issue with the help of some trusted friends and words of wisdom from my counselor. I understand that the people involved did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. I think age does make us both stronger and wiser.

      That inner dialogue is finally gone - thank goodness cause her voice is so damn nasally!!

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  21. Dear Elsie I send you a lot of hugss!

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  22. ah there you are...have never been on this side...smiles, her voice is so nasally...all too real dialogue...it is good to have those in our lives that can speak to us in these moments as well...its not easy mucking through it at times...

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    1. You found me! This is my original blog. Well, this is my second original blog ha ha ha. I shut down my very first one because I was stalked - woo woo!

      Inner dialogue is good to have as long as it's kept positive, I think. Those negative thoughts can really keep us down if it goes on for to long.

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  23. You will get back on track, I'm sure of it! I know from personal experience that incidents from our childhood can really hang us up. But once you are able to deal with it, you'll get unstuck. I'm sending you positive energy about that!

    What is a resentment prayer? That sounds really interesting.

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    1. I am totally back on track thanks to some great friends, my S-Anon group, my sponsor, my counselor (it's like a whole Army over here!). I think once I realized what I was dealing with and made it "real", I was able to deal with it. I am doing 100% better now. Whew!!

      A resentment prayer is when I pray for someone to get something I would want for two weeks. It frees me from my resentment towards them. Say I want good health for myself, instead of praying for me, I pray for them to have it. It's like praying it forward. =)

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.