I deserve a good ol' slap on the wrist. I've been lax in enforcing my common sense boundaries and yet I speak of the importance of boundaries all the time. I speak of the importance of setting the boundaries to keep yourself feeling safe, not as a way of punishing the addict. I speak of setting a reasonable, enforceable consequence for the addict and while it may be difficult in the home once enforced; it's not impossible. These are things my rockin' counselor was proud of me for setting into place, both in my original Boundary Agreement and in my common sense boundary agreement.
The original violation was Devin not telling me he working with a female as soon as it happened. The way he told me was half ass at best and rather than fight about it, I decided to find out how long they'd been working together. I fell into the roll of investigator. He answered the questions honestly and his reward? No consequence. The problem? He should have had a consequence for not being open and honest. The co-worker didn't work there for a day or two; it has been months. That's not being transparent and goes against our Boundary Agreement in a big way and I allowed to let it slide.
Why? It was in the midst of Disclosure Week and I mentally couldn't handle it. I know that now, but it's still not a valid excuse. I should have been strong enough to stand by my Boundary Agreement.
The next violation was a simple one. He missed his check-in text. Oh, c'mon, Elsie, really? A check-in text? How tight is this leash? It's a text to let me know he's at work. It provides me assurance which is his job in our marriage now. It's two-fold; it alleviates the whole, "hey, I don't have another dead husband" thought from forming and the "hey, he's not off cheating on me" again thought from forming.
That one I enforced last Wednesday and let him know it was being enforced once I heard from him later on; he was not pleased. The best way to describe it is having a child who is grounded but has the ability not to come home? I put a question mark because that's not quite right. He came home, but he just had a lot of Christmas shopping to do during the duration of his consequence. It was typical conflict avoidance or in this case consequence avoidance.
If it weren't for the fact that it just happened, I'd laugh. If it weren't for the fact that we just had a rough, albeit productive, counseling session last night, I'd laugh.
I do know it's gotten my ass in gear to rewrite my common sense BA.
Let the slapping begin!
Ow! I said wrist, damn you people are mean!