Saturday, December 8, 2012

Forgiveness & A Strong Heart

It was a long rough path to find my way towards finding forgiveness.  It's something I've written about before and I find it's still a work in progress for me.  I sway in the breeze of forgiveness both for myself and for Devin.  I still find anger at people for small things they might do, promises they may make in passing and then fail to keep.  My expectations can be held to high at times.  I've had to examine the reasons why I've allowed them to become this way.  Why I've allowed myself to be let down by others time and time again.  When a person says they are a friend but then their actions show me otherwise.  I must learn to release that anger, to forgive, to let go.  Once I do that, I can find that place of compassion for them as I did for myself and Devin and even the affair parters.

Finding forgiveness replaces those feelings of anger, resentment, hatred and bitterness with peace, empathy and love.  It's like a breath of fresh air after having lived in such a deep turmoil for so long.  At least it was for me.


I saw this floating around Facebook today and I thought, hell yeah, I'm strong.  I may have had a rough trigger the other day but I am one tough chick.  I have been hurt like nobody's business and now I appreciate my marriage even more and so does Devin.  We are by each other's side this weekend making sure we are replacing the crappy memories from disclosure week with better memories.  

After his doctor appointment yesterday, we went out to lunch and then went Christmas shopping and then spent the afternoon wrapping gifts and watching movies.  Today we took the kids out to lunch and he fixed the key fob on my car - Go Him!  On tap for tomorrow - duh...Football!!!  

As for our anniversary - we haven't gotten that far yet.....

41 comments:

  1. Yay you two for taking the time to make good memories. You're one strong chick, and you've proven it time and time again.

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    1. It has been a good, long weekend for us so far. He had off from work yesterday so we decided to make the most of it! We were invited to an ugly sweater party next weekend and decided to make our own and ran around getting supplies for those too. Wish us luck!

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  2. I'm glad to hear things are on the upswing again.

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    1. I'm glad they're back where they should be, Debra! =)

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  3. I'm glad to hear things are working out and improving Elsie. Forgiveness is very important although it takes a special person who's able to handle a whole lot to forgive certain things and you're one of those people. Those two photos are so true, everybody has weak moments but predominantly you're one VERY strong lady.

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    1. Thank you so much, Matthew. It took a lot of self work to be able to forgive and I'm still working on it. It also took counseling from my rockin' counselor. I was lucky to have found her! Aren't those photo's great? One came in my email and one came from Facebook.

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  4. Those sound like great new memories!! :D

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    1. They were a ton of fun to make and we decided to spoil ourselves with some BBQ steak tomorrow too! W00t!! =)

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  5. New memories to get rid of the bad, sounds like a plan to me. Although it's nice to hear you admit you are "out to lunch" hahahahaha could not resist. I will wrap tomorrow at my zoo and probably watch some movies too!

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    1. I figured it would be better to try to make new memories to replace the old, ugly ones. Of course the mean, stinky cat would say I'm out to lunch. At least I'm not eating worms like he is. ha ha ha!! I will be looking forward to my gift soon then!! No pringle cans though!

      Feel better, Pat and don't watch to many crappy B movies!

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    2. The B movies are avoided by me here at my sea and the cat enjoyed the worms a ton, it was his lunch run.

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  6. Such a great lesson about forgiveness. In many ways you do it for yourself first, because those negative emotions will eat you up from the inside out if you let them. Doesn't mean you forget, but you can move on without all the distress and anger controlling your thoughts all the time.

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    1. The bitterness, anger and resentment kept me caught in a vicious cycle of triggers and hypervigilant behavior and kept me from healing and moving forward. It's something I'll never forget but it's something that will be a dull and faded, greyed out memory. =)

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  7. so lovely to hear you two had a lovely day together and then another one with the kids :)
    I do believe in forgiving in love and other areas of life. There are, though, situations in which I do not believe in forgiveness like when someone kills someone dear to you. I've watched a show which brings together murderers and the parents or family members of the people they've killed in order for them to share pain and to be forgiven. Didn't like that. It's offensive for the victims.

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    1. I'm glad we shared that time too. We needed it; I needed it.

      My policy on murder is much darker, however. I tend to be a very black and white person on most topics but this is one that is quite grey for me. Each case holds a unique set of circumstances and any that involves voluntary murder - well, I believe eye for an eye. However, if the murderer is legitimately insane, than they don't warrant eye for an eye treatment.

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  8. yes Im agree with this but I think God comfort our heart and cheers our spirit becasuse is really difficult.
    ANd Im so happy you had a nice day together:)

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    1. It's true, Gloria. When I found forgiveness for myself and Devin, it was with God's help and through self work and counseling.

      We had such a great day!!

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    2. Nice Elsie this is a God gift too!!xo

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  9. Hi there, Elsie. My brain says she's right, but I have to admit my heart's still too weak to always forgive. It's a flaw, I know, but I'm working at it. Who knows, I might one day even forgive myself for having made so many stupid mistakes in my life.

    Great post.

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    1. It's far from a flaw, Grumpy. It's human nature and the way most of us work. I'm still working on it and I think I will be for the rest of my life. Forgiving myself was harder than forgiving others, believe it or not.

      Thank you.

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  10. It is amazing to those who haven't been so betrayed to see what a challenge forgiveness in the moment-to-moment can be. First reaction might be, "Why is it such a big deal"- but then comes the putting oneself in the other's shoes. And it ain't easy.

    Nice of God to grant us such strength. Sucks to have to need it.

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    1. The walls we build after a betrayal so deep become almost second nature and it takes a conscience effort not to rebuild those walls with cement and mortar instead of styrofoam in order to make sure they can come back down again.

      God grants us a lot of things, it's being able to see He's there for us when we Him most that can be the hardest!

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  11. I'm so glad to hear that you found a break in the storm and had a good time together. May the rest of your weekend be as sweet.

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    1. I am too, Anne. It was a much needed break. We had such a good time spending time with each other too, making good memories, replacing good memories with bad.

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  12. I am a work in progress as well I just let so many benefits of the doubt amount and then oops there they go showing their true colors and hurting me live and learn.
    I am so glad you guys are doing things together ","

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    1. Doubt is such a strong emotion and it's seeds tend to spread and grow if we aren't careful. I have faith in you, Janice. You are a strong woman and I know you will overcome those seeds of doubt. The good thing is, we both know we are works in progress.

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  13. Be glad I'm here commenting on a Sunday! There is much football to watch!

    Sounds like progress to me and that's awesome! I think you both are learning to put the past behind you and live in the now, making new happy memories to replace those old painful ones!

    As long as you both continue to appreciate what you have now instead of dwelling on how things were, then you have a long and happy marriage ahead of you!

    It brings me much joy to see how you and Devin are making the most out of what you have!

    On that note, now if you'll excuse me, I need to turn off the computer and go join my family in the other room! Inspired by you! Thank you very much!

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    1. I'm shocked you commented yesterday. Even I didn't get on here yesterday - it's football on Sunday (plus, I was down and out with a Migraine - for real - not just to piss you off with the word).

      I think going through such tough times has taught us how much we need to appreciate what we have now, how fragile it is and how valuable it is. It also keeps us focused, most of the time, on working on keeping it solid.

      Glad I was able to inspire you to turn off the computer!!

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    2. Your vile answers are ready on Sinquiry!

      It was still early so I had time to comment before the games started.

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  14. I read a quote once that said "Forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free...and realizing that the prisoner was you".

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    1. That is a great quote, OE, thank you for sharing it with us!

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  15. Forgiveness is rewarding.. I've found that people learn best by realizing they've been forgiven themselves. I consider myself fortunate there.. And I'm glad you two are having a great time lately. Trigger or not, it's the little things that make you happy in the here and now, aren't they?

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    1. It was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders once I forgave myself and Devin and then, since those were the most difficult, forgiving the other women seemed to come easier as does other people. I just think back to the harder stuff and it becomes easier. You're right, it *is* the little things now. I've already been through the rough stuff, so now I'm grateful for the smaller things in life.

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  16. just what i needed to hear. a broken heart can still love. and something i'm learning is that the more vulnerable i become in a healthy way---not co-dependent or weak---the more less i can be hurt. Does this even make any sense? love ya girl...and happy holidays!

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    1. I think a broken heart can love with an even more loving capacity because it's been broken and hurt and therefore it's more guarded and protected so once it finds love, true love, it loves to it's fullest! It made sense to me, April! Merry Christmas!!!!

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  17. I pray that this will get easier for you and Devin and it sounds like you are doing the things you need to do.

    Love,
    Meemaw

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    1. It gets easier with each passing year, with each passing trigger. Thank you so much, Meemaw!! Much love, Elsie!!

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  18. I love seeing updates like this. That's exactly the point - we all have crappy memories in our marriages, some more than others, but the trick is to make better memories to replace those bad ones.

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    1. I love posting updates like this. They do my heart so much good to sit down and write them. It's funny to remember that all of our marriages have good times and bad times it is all just a matter of degrees and it all depends on what we make of them.

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  19. Now I get why you asked about the inspiration for my latest post. I have been rather busy, barely finding time to post and even less time to read. I'm trying to keep up.

    I do find myself inspired to write after reading this, perhaps a new post is in order.

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  20. Well, I guess that means you're not lurking on my blog at every given moment. I'm kind of disappointed, Monkey. I thought you were my number one fan! LOL

    At least I inspired you in some way!! ha ha ha

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.