**Long post ahead-either click away, grab a cup of coffee or go take a potty break...you'll be here for awhile...and I'm grateful you are. You guys rock!**
Devin had made a laundry list of chores he wanted to get done while he was break from school. These were things he knew were important to me because they were issues stemming from his addiction days. Promise after promise had been made, but none had been kept so he resolved to get it done while he was off from school. "It's gonna get done. I promise!"
“We are going to bed early this week so we can get on a FANOS schedule again.” - The earliest the lights were out was 10:30, he’s up at 5:00. Sleep is a Migraine trigger for me and I had to sleep in the spare bedroom while he got ready in the mornings.
“We’re going to read from Erotic Intelligence this weekend.” - We haven’t read it in months.
Finally, yesterday was my breaking point.
“I’m going to make a dent in the spare room.” Nothing. He said he was working on homework but whenever I saw him on the computer, he was goofing off.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know this is not a new problem. It’s also not uncommon among many addicts. It’s a matter of either shifting addictions or multiple addictions. I suffer from it myself if I’m not careful. Ask me about my old friend hypervigilance sometime.
While it’s nice to know Devin is sober, it’s disheartening to know he is still battling with this void within him. The void he needs to fill with “stuff” and then he battles with being overwhelmed and scattered. Yes, he is being tested for ADD this week – if he goes through with it because he’s quite afraid.
~~~ (Yes, I toyed with breaking this into a second post here but, it's me, I ramble. Maybe at a later date?)~~~
Anyone reading this who has an addict in his or her life or who is an addict has heard the term “Detach with Love.” For those of us involved with the addict, it is a safe place for us to go mentally and emotionally. It provides us with a sense of peace and serenity while allowing us to still love our addict in a healthy way.
It’s what I’m doing with Devin now. We discussed it last night during FANOS, which he initiated. He was obviously upset and observed how odd it is that I am now the one detaching while it was he doing the detaching when he was acting out. I pointed out the difference; mine will be kept in check and be done with love, respect and setting boundaries not as a result from my addiction but a result to his addiction.
My boundaries are fairly simple:
- I will no longer accept what you tell me about projects around the house as an expectation. I will believe it when I see it. (Saying it’s a lie or he’s lazy seems harsh and unnecessary, he is still learning to be forthcoming.)
- I will no longer be baited into an argument when told I need to learn how to communicate. I have talked to our counselor, watched endless shows, read articles and books. It is time for you to do the same and learn communication skills too.
- I cannot accept full responsibility for reminding you about FANOS, Erotic Intelligence or even sex. It cannot be all me. We are a couple and need to work together.
I have not set a time limit for the detachment, it’s all depends on him and his behavior and my feelings. I’ve talked to my counselor and understand how to avoid becoming completely emotionally detached and had to get counseled on this once before and know it’s a fine line to walk but know I can do it through love and understanding and strength.