Tuesday, November 27, 2012

How Do You Unplant A Seed?

How do you unplant a seed?  One that has already grown roots into well-nurtured grounds?  The roots extend so deeply that the plant sprouts it’s festering, annoying twigs and twines in the cracks and crevices of the most dark and unexpected places.  Loving care to the topsoil has been applied.  It’s been cultivated and tilled.  It’s even begun to show signs of new life as flowers of beautiful new color begin to bloom.  Yet, unexpectedly and without warning, up springs the weeds of doubt and fear.  Strangling the flowers, bringing the flowers of hope to their knees.  Causing them to cry out in pain, causing their heartbeat to flutter ceaselessly.  Tears of panic dampen the soil giving the weeds a chance to spread and grow.  Relational PTSD has left its mark on the flower’s leaves.  The hurtful words will not darken the sky. The unknowns on the screen will not cause old fears.  The flowers reach for the sun, breaking the hold of the trigger.  Blooming they become stronger, prettier, healthier than ever before.

November 26, 2012.  Trigger. Prompted from argument/text from guy crossing boundaries

Background info 

(As always, I understand it can be difficult to find the right words to comment on a post like this, no worries.)

Thursday, November 22, 2012

My Gratitude List

My Gratitude List

God; I know I am never alone even during dark times

Our children; my inspiration and they continue to make me proud

My husband; my soul mate, lover, best friend, confidant

My health; while it’s not the best, it could always be worse

Our home; not a mansion but it’s filled with love and light

Living near the beach; My place of serenity

Writing; the ability to put my thoughts into words

My program; it’s helped me learn and heal

Having a sense of humor; I am blessed to see humor when others do not

Being together with my family; soon this will no longer be possible

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!  I’ll be cooking and enjoying time with my family, I hope you’ll be doing the same.

Friday, November 16, 2012

To Let Go

Hello my friends.  I write today from my original blogging roots, a need to write to exorcise the demons that have crept inside my head.  It will be a journal entry, long and windy and probably not very well put together.  Will I even publish it?  Probably.  I always have in the past.
H.A.L.T. has gotten to me (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).  I’m exhausted…I was hungry but I’m eating right now.  Some things are easily fixed.  I’m also angry although I’m not quite sure why.  I have some ideas and I think once I begin writing (aka rambling) I’ll have a firmer grasp on the real reason.

I had to reread some sections in my well-worn book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse again.  Especially about detaching with love because I am struggling with it.  I am finding it easier to either erect a wall and retreat into silence so I don’t say something I’ll regret or go in the opposite direction and make sharp comments. 

I have lost my ability to remain neutral the last few days.  I have lost my ability to remain patient for an entire conversation.  I am tired.

I feel like I am engaged in a bizarre waiting game with Devin.  Only, it’s not Devin I’m in the waiting game with, it’s the not-so-new aspect of his disease.  He’s not acting out in a sexual way, of that I’m certain.  There is no porn, no cheating, no masturbation…instead, the red flags are showing themselves in other places. 

Now that I have chosen this mode of detachment, I can see it clearly, as an outsider looking in, and I see his life is unmanageable.  I think this is why I am angry.  I can’t decide if I’m angry at myself for wanting to reach in and help him or I’m angry at him for not seeing it for himself.

We sat down the other night and had a heart to heart talk about my fears regarding his buying habits.  I was careful not to use the term “shifting addictions” but I did ask if he saw it as a problem.  He feels he is better than he was a few months ago then I let him know that he wasn’t forthcoming with me about how much he’s spending on his gaming hobby each month.

He explained his reasons for his hobby and why he continues to buy the models/figures although he doesn’t play anymore.  He feels he has lost so much of his identity over the last few years, this is the last piece of himself he has left and by visiting gaming sites and buying figures, this makes him feel connected to the gaming world. 

This explanation did two things for me.  First, it helped me understand he is in denial about how much he spends moneywise and timewise on gaming or that he has a problem at all and second, he’s not ready to face it yet.

I know in my heart he heard me.  He understood what I was telling him when we spoke that night at our kitchen table because he asked if we could go see our rockin’ counselor together next time.  Unfortunately, she cancelled both of our appointments this week and we don’t see her until December but that’s okay.  We’ll survive.

Since I started detaching from him a few weeks ago, he’s done the storm door, did a small (very small) amount of work in the spare room, helped in son's room, and then after the discussion about him spending money on his hobby he went out and bought a new bed set for son…I had to think about that one for awhile. 

My first impulse was to be angry but once he put it together he spoke about how happy son will be he said, “Plus, when I snore, you can sleep in here and I’m going to get a better mattress for it too.”  So, I think it was his way of showing me he doesn’t just buy stuff for him?  I don’t know…either way, it’s a great bed set.

So, why am I angry?  After typing this out…I’m not anymore.  I am married to an addict.  This is part of the addict special package (it’s in the fine print on the marriage contract) and if I am going to stay then this is the kind of stuff I need to work through – on my own and with him. 

Or, maybe I’m all angry inside because I’ve been away from Blogger for so long?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Detach With Love

**Long post ahead-either click away, grab a cup of coffee or go take a potty break...you'll be here for awhile...and I'm grateful you are.  You guys rock!**
Devin had made a laundry list of chores he wanted to get done while he was break from school. These were things he knew were important to me because they were issues stemming from his addiction days. Promise after promise had been made, but none had been kept so he resolved to get it done while he was off from school. "It's gonna get done. I promise!"

“We are going to bed early this week so we can get on a FANOS schedule again.” - The earliest the lights were out was 10:30, he’s up at 5:00.  Sleep is a Migraine trigger for me and I had to sleep in the spare bedroom while he got ready in the mornings.

“We’re going to read from Erotic Intelligence this weekend.” - We haven’t read it in months.

Finally, yesterday was my breaking point. 

“I’m going to make a dent in the spare room.”  Nothing.  He said he was working on homework but whenever I saw him on the computer, he was goofing off.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know this is not a new problem.  It’s also not uncommon among many addicts.  It’s a matter of either shifting addictions or multiple addictions.  I suffer from it myself if I’m not careful.  Ask me about my old friend hypervigilance sometime. 

While it’s nice to know Devin is sober, it’s disheartening to know he is still battling with this void within him.  The void he needs to fill with “stuff” and then he battles with being overwhelmed and scattered.  Yes, he is being tested for ADD this week – if he goes through with it because he’s quite afraid.
~~~ (Yes, I toyed with breaking this into a second post here but, it's me, I ramble.  Maybe at a later date?)~~~

Anyone reading this who has an addict in his or her life or who is an addict has heard the term “Detach with Love.”  For those of us involved with the addict, it is a safe place for us to go mentally and emotionally.  It provides us with a sense of peace and serenity while allowing us to still love our addict in a healthy way.

It’s what I’m doing with Devin now.  We discussed it last night during FANOS, which he initiated.  He was obviously upset and observed how odd it is that I am now the one detaching while it was he doing the detaching when he was acting out.  I pointed out the difference; mine will be kept in check and be done with love, respect and setting boundaries not as a result from my addiction but a result to his addiction.

My boundaries are fairly simple: 
  • I will no longer accept what you tell me about projects around the house as an expectation.  I will believe it when I see it.  (Saying it’s a lie or he’s lazy seems harsh and unnecessary, he is still learning to be forthcoming.)

  • I will no longer be baited into an argument when told I need to learn how to communicate.  I have talked to our counselor, watched endless shows, read articles and books.  It is time for you to do the same and learn communication skills too.

  • I cannot accept full responsibility for reminding you about FANOS, Erotic Intelligence or even sex.  It cannot be all me.  We are a couple and need to work together.

I have not set a time limit for the detachment, it’s all depends on him and his behavior and my feelings.  I’ve talked to my counselor and understand how to avoid becoming completely emotionally detached and had to get counseled on this once before and know it’s a fine line to walk but know I can do it through love and understanding and strength.