Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Meet Jeanine - A Journal Entry


I’m going to do something today I haven’t done in a very long time.  I’m going to write a journal entry.  Forgive me as I process the trigger that occurred last night.  This comes on the heels of what I talked about yesterday.

Sometime in 2008
Meet Jeanine.  I no longer recall when she entered my husband’s life although there was a time when I could have given you the exact month the first contact was made, how long their affair lasted and the last time an email was sent.  I am not even certain if that’s how she spells her name.  It may be Janine.  These details no longer concern me.  They used to consume me.  I used to lay awake at night and see her face, her emails.  I lay there and judged her because she wore heavy make up while I chose the less is more approach.  I closed my eyes and saw picture upon picture of her in various lingerie outfits and judged her again for being overweight instead of comfortable with herself.  I knew her address, where she worked, where her husband worked and who his boss was.  How did I know all of this?

Hypervigilance.

If you need a detective, call a woman with a degree in computer science who has been cheated on a dozen times…she’ll find anything you want.

Hypervigilance.

It’s addicting.  Or, it was for me.  Perhaps it was my own addictive personality that made it addicting for me, perhaps not.

Jeanine was a cashier at a local store and told Devin she was in an open marriage. They had a brief online affair.  She tried to get him to get physical but he hadn’t reached that point in his addiction yet and they met once for her fifteen-minute break at work, he got skittish and began to ignore her emails after that one time meeting. 

When I found out about the affair, I went to her work.  I don’t know what I would have done if she were there.  I’m a tiny little thing, 5’2”, 120lbs, and she could have kicked my ass in a heartbeat but back then she stood for everything I hated.  She was a home-wrecker.  I wasn’t rational. I wanted to get my .357 and kill her.  Would I?  No.  I arrived at the store, searched relentlessly for her, asked innocently for her, even went to the personnel department and found…she’d been transferred.

Hypervigilance.

It had me all over that store.  Tracking her down but I wasn’t done with Jeanine.  I didn’t feel any sense of satisfaction.  Instead, I turned my attention to her husband.  I contacted him through his work email and told him about the affair between my husband and his wife. He was shocked!  She had broken their open marriage rules.  No married men.  Ha ha – Vindication!!

Now what?

Hypervigilance.

Meet….

the next woman on the list

Vicious cycle isn’t it?

45 comments:

  1. This journal entry really had me enthralled. I wonder what would have happened had you met Janine at that store, maybe it was best that she wasn't there. I hate home wreckers with a passion too. It's pretty cool that you have a degree in computers too, I wish I had those kind of skills although they can be a double edged sword, great post Elsie.

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    1. If I had seen her there, I probably would have froze. I was in such a bad state back then, I was not myself. If I didn't freeze I would have broken down in tears. I don't even think I had the mental capacity to form words...let alone handle any type of confrontation.

      I'll bet after your class you're going to have a whole new set of skills, Matthew! You're going to be rocking and rolling before you know it!

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  2. I cannot even begin to imagine how that must have felt. What I can imagine is the strength it takes to expose one's self like this, and for that, I send you great big hugs.

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    1. It was a time full of turmoil. My life was such a roller coaster of emotions. Now, I can process the triggers as they arise and think through them methodically and rationally - something I couldn't even attempt a year and half ago. Thanks, Cindy!!!

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  3. I know you would have never killed her but I would have liked to hear the tongue lashing she would have gotten. Sorry all this is coming around in your head again.

    Love,
    Meemaw

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    1. And that is why I love you, Meemaw! I would love to scream and yell because it would *feel* so damn good!! ROAR!!!!

      If it were to happen now, when I'm mentally strong again, whole and healthy, things would be different.

      I wouldn't waste my time with her at all. It's not her fault, it's not his fault, it is his disease and I'd have to walk away. No yelling, no hyper vigilance, and running myself around in circles. Just a divorce. Painful and sad because I love him so much. But a divorce nonetheless.

      But, but, I sure as hell would let her husband know too =PP

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  4. Those ones drenched in make up make the cat want to hurl and Pat too. One eyes are so much better than them haha

    Open marriage, pfft that's dumb too, glad you got the make up drenched cow that way.

    As for the computer thing though, the same can be said for most anything, as long as one isn't a total computer idiot. If you piss someone off enough, they can track you down with a computer, thanks to a lot of the social media crap it is easy enough to do.

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    1. Uh-oh, I'm agreeing with the cat again? Shit. Now I know it's bad. ha ha ha. I don't know why some women think it's necessary to wear so much makeup? She truly didn't need it - I'd like to slam her, but, it's not necessary. She has low self esteem, looking back now, it was evident in her emails to Devin. The desperation was there, I should have seen it then but I was just to angry at the time. I'm not anymore.

      As for open marriage - to each their own - as long as everyone involved knows what is going on around them. Like me. It would have been nice if I had been clued in that *I* was in an open marriage LOL If a couple wants to be poly, go for it, it's their marriage and their journey. I know it doesn't work in my marriage.

      So, true, Pat, so true, about the computer thing. If someone wants to find you bad enough - they will. It's been done to me already.

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    2. Stalker people after you? Were they after your elusive one eye? haha True abotu the marriage too I suppose, if that is their thing, power to them. But yeah it be nice to know haha

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  5. Probing and hacking into my wife's accounts is how I found out about her affair. I wanted the upper hand...I wanted proof so that when she lied about it I could shove it in her face.

    My probing and hacking days are over. It hurt me more than it did her, I think. This was before we were married and I was in jail at the time of her affair.

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    1. That's where I was too, Dan. I wanted that concrete proof only I didn't shove it in his face. I kept it inside so I could proof to myself I wasn't crazy anymore. I had to know I wasn't crazy because for so long he was telling me so many lies I couldn't tell the lies from the truth and I needed to see the truth again and without the proof right in front of me, I didn't know which way was up. Then, that led to the digging and the fact finding and then more digging and fact finding and digging..... aaaaahhhhh!!!

      It does hurt us more. Because once you know, you can never forget. It comes back to haunt you.

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    2. If we could forget! She thinks I haven't forgiven her because I haven't forgotten.

      It was such a long time ago, and yes, it creeps up on me from time to time.

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    3. We can't forget what we forgive....

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  6. Great blog, Elsie, loved it!
    Cheers from Argentina.
    HD

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    1. Thank you so much Humberto! Argentina - nice! Welcome to the States!

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  7. I am guessing this sort of obsession eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wonder how much that husband was actually "keeping to the agreement". I'd be surprised if he wasn't do as I say, not as I do as well.

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    1. Oh gosh, CWMartin, you poor guy, you came over here on the wrong day. Sorry about that. It's not always about the addiction on here, I promise! LOL You may want to check out some funnier stuff, like when I dogged out my buddy Dan the other day...

      Seriously though, I can only imagine how much that husband was keeping up to his own end of the agreement. Especially after finding out his wife wasn't doing the same.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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    2. Don't mind it, if it bugged me I wouldn't have read. I just meant that that kind of obsession can create the very situation it's guarding against in some cases. I don't know that that applies in your case.

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    3. Okay, good.

      You are absolutely 100% right. Hypervigilance caused me to trigger rather then give me the answers I was seeking. It was a terrible, awful circle, cycle if you will.

      It began with a feeling, or a question, about my husband "acting out" (looking at porn, emailing, etc.) and what began as a simple "let me just go check real quick" would be, "since I'm already here, let me see what this girl looks like...where does she live...work, how much is her house worth.." and so forth. Until an hour had gone by and I became addicted to his addiction. I lost time just like he had done.

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  8. Your entry sounds like the plot for an Alfred Hitchcock thriller!

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    1. I know right! That's why I need to get back to work on my book, dammit!

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  9. Dear Elsie always when I read you I think you are amazing and Im imnpressed of all you has lived dear:)) huggs!
    The life isnt easy ! This is my quote!

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    1. No, life isn't easy but I believe we are never given more than we can handle. Many hugs to you my sweet and beautiful, Gloria!

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  10. For real...I have to remind myself this is real while I read it. Its so interesting and I get drawn into the story because you write so well! Then I remind myself and just want to give you a big hug!

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    1. LOL - I have to remind myself it's real sometimes too, Mel. It's why I decided to use my past to draw upon to write a book. Not the SA stuff, that's still to raw, but my cocaine days. =)

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  11. Vicious cycle, yes. It sounds so nerve wrecking. So weak, I don't know what I'd do. I don't know how I'd cope if I ever got to feel anything like that.

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    1. It is a terrible cycle to get stuck in. I always wonder how I got myself out of it because I was so entrenched in it. I remember looking at myself one day and not liking what I saw but there was no "aha" moment for me. I literally had to set a schedule to stop. Ugh.

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  12. You are easily the strongest person I've ever known. How you not only kept going after your husband died, you now have to deal with Devin's addiction and recovery issues. I really admire you, esp. for being so self aware and proactive. The porn thing...I don't get that at all. IMHO watching other people having sex is just so gross. I don't find anything sexy in it or arousing at all. My fiance' was honest w/ me and says he likes it, although hasn't watched it since we got together. He's been looking at porn mags and movies since he was in his early 20s and he wants to introduce it into the bedroom activities and I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it. It's a turn on to him but not to me...

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    1. The kids kept me going after my first hubby died. They definitely inspired and motivated me. Now, I want people to know they can get through it too. The porn thing - I was similar to your fiancé - I used to watch some porn, send sexy texts and emails to keep things spicy in our relationship but I did everything in moderation. It was one of the things that Devin was attracted to about me. The key for me - moderation...not for him...

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  13. I like that word "Hypervigilance" not something I would call myself but then I have never been cheated on or lied to so had not reason to be Hypervigilant.....that said I do like the word........

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    1. The word itself it pretty cool. Although, when I type it in - it rejects it as a real word LOL

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  14. Hypervigilance, such a scary place to be, trying to control what is spinning out of control. Look how far you've come Elsie! :-)

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    1. It's like your world is crumbling down around you and you're trying to glue it together piece by piece somehow. Just terrible!

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  15. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have felt like when you found out about his affairs, Ms Hypervigilance. I'm pretty sure I would've responded the same way.

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    1. I never thought I'd behave the way that I did. It just got so out of control. I'd wait for him to leave and BAM, I was checking email accounts, digging up information, and then finally - looking for Jeanine. Gah LOL So glad those days are gone!

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  16. Wowzer, Elsie. Can't imagine the pain. But I'm so inspired by your will to fight to keep this relationship.

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    1. Thank you so much. No lie, it was a battle in the beginning and can still be at times but I truly believe the worst is behind me.

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  17. Different circumstances than you, but I know all about hypervigilence. There's no need to do a formal introduction. To become obsessive and anxious over anything is a waste of energy. If only I can get like you and learn to let things go. Believe it or not, but reading your page makes me learn about myself!!

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    1. My heart breaks for you, Jax. You know how I feel about you, and to think you've been through something remotely similar just kills me. I know you're a strong NY chick too and you'll learn to let things go too. Big hugs, Jax!!

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  18. First of all, your journal entries are waaayyy more coherent than mine!

    Secondly, I understand that trap. I found myself starting to spiral down that path a little last night when a woman from work called my husband's phone at 11 at night. My mind started reeling, I checked something else and discovered he had broken his word. Next thing I knew, that urge to "check up" was almost overwhelming.

    I jotted down to myself in my journal the following non-sense about that need (I told you my journaling isn't great, right?)

    -Where does it come from?
    -What drives it?
    -"Illusion of control..." ??
    -False(?) sense of security
    -What is my worst fear?
    -What would happen if it were true?

    I didn't write any real answers, just those thoughts/ ramblings to consider. A lot of that applies to my hypervigilance as well. It really doesn't serve a real purpose except to reassure myself of some power/control that I don't really have... At least that's my 2 cents right now.

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    1. That's great you were able to stop yourself from going any further from spiraling down into that ugly world of hypervigilance Beautiful. I don't think you need to really write the answers, just getting your mind moving in the right direction and away from the negative thoughts, especially if that's what works for you, is fantastic.

      I like to keep my journal entries on here as a reference for me in case I see a pattern in myself and need to tweak a behavior. I also found as I do a journal entry, I type things out and it works out in my head. Not all of my journal entries are concise. If you go back to April/May of this year - holy shit - what a mess LOL

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  19. Ahhh, geez, don't you just kick yourself for this kind of stuff!? lol I do. But all we can do is live and learn and laugh now. Cause it is really funny how crazy and hyper-vigilant we become. I know i've done some hilarious crazy online hunting and searching and tracking and putting a gps in his car and bugging every electrical devise he owns. haha!

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    1. Now I just shake my head and then let everyone know at S-Anon know they aren't alone in their craziness! That I did it too and it's very, very normal =) Then, then I laugh ha ha ha

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    2. It's such a good feeling to know I'm not alone and to be able to let others know they aren't alone too.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.