Friday, September 7, 2012

I Stand Alone (or sat alone at S-Anon)

(I wanted to put Godsmack's, "I Stand Alone" because it would be more appropriate for the title and I leave all things music to D4 because he's the expert - but my son just discovered this chick and she rocks and I wanted to share her music with you guys.  Enjoy her violin/dub/rock while reading.  There's another video of her shadow dancing that is just insanely good!)

***
"I look forward to seeing you there."  I ended the email and hit send.   My first what...recruit?  No.  Sister in need?  No.  Chick I just sent an email to?  I guess.  Whatever she was (member), a rush of excitement ran through me.

Goofy, I suppose.  How many hundreds of others across the country were doing what I was doing?  Did they feel the same way the first time they made their first contact with someone in need of support?  Yeah, probably.  It was a good feeling - the feeling of helping another person in need.  Dammit to hell, Jim!!  Strange to have that revelation after my last post.

All my ducks were in a row for my new roles in my local S-Anon group.  I had been asked if I had the time (um, yeah, just a tad, being unemployed and now stuck to a couch does that) to do a bit of outreach into the community and also be the treasurer since I have a background in bookkeeping.  I admit, I was hesitant.  Okay, fine.  I admit, I was scared.  Not of the job.  The job is nothing more than the PR I did as a property manager and bookkeeping which I've done for longer than some of my readers have been alive (*gulp*).

I was scared about breaking my precious anonymity - a word I can barely pronounce on the best of days.  It's difficult enough maintaining my anonymity on this blog with the technology that's out there and people figuring out where I am by things I've said, none of which is where I lived.  How could I undertake an outreach program and still remain anonymous?  Something so important to me for my kid's sakes.

The answer:  You can't, not completely.

I had to pray on it, think on it and talk to Devin.  All that done, I decided it was time for me to step out of the shadows, and my comfort zone, just a bit and reach out to help others.  It is a precarious place to be, helping others while still hiding my husband's addiction from our kids. (Disclosure to the kids is another post for another day.) It is the same feeling I get when I share something very personal here when I know it will help others.  It's scary but the risk seems worthwhile.

Which is how I ended up sitting alone, on the floor, at my meeting.

I was excited that day for several reasons.  I was finally allowed to drive - so said the papers from the hospital - but they didn't account for the popped stitch I'm guessing. Nor the amount of walking I ended up doing and I paid for it greatly later that night, but, I'm rambling.  I was excited because I had ordered and received literature from S-Anon to share at the meeting.  I had prepared the treasurer report and even prepared a list of books, online resources and other things for outside the group once it was closed.

I got to the meeting early to set up and waited.  Ten minutes in I realized I'd be the only one arriving that day and my heart sank.  I looked around and wondered what to do.  I saw the table with all the new and shiny literature waiting to be flipped through and admired (or so I hoped, this stuff ain't free folks).  I glanced at the table outside of the meeting area with my list of recommendations and the book I brought in from home for donation and I thought, "Screw it, I'm attending this meeting anyway."

I proceeded to conduct the meeting all by myself and now, as I write about it, it's quite funny.  A grown woman reading aloud, doing prayers and sharing with no one to listen but herself and her Higher Power.  But, just like in Field of Dreams, if I create it, they will attend.  Right?  I know for certain there is a need in my community.  The ratio in Devin's group is far to large for there not to be a need for a support group.  I just need to focus on getting the word out, attending my meetings and patiently waiting for people to show up.

I'm still excited about the potential my little group has and while I'm there it's a great opportunity to work on myself if no one shows up and besides...no one knows I was up there talking to myself, right? Well, you guys do, but you won't tell anyone.  Will you?

~~~~~
On a side note, if you do know me or where I live, please respect my privacy for my kids' sake.  I've written about why here.  Thanks!




77 comments:

  1. Well it's really good of you to be taking your experiences, and using them to help others like that. Right now, there might not be much of a group, but it could work out better for you that way anyway. You've now totally practiced a meeting :) I hope though that some attendance picks up. Just get the word out for now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly how I looked at, Mark. Well, after I stopped laughing at myself. I had never led a meeting before and thought, well, this is as good a time as any LOL I'm thinking with the things I have planned, attendance will pick up over time.

      Delete
  2. hahaha oh where should the cat begin
    Talking too yourself at you bin
    hahahaha I suppose that either means your crazy, which we know haha
    Got money in the bank and let it flow
    Or you just have no one better to talk to
    I'm going with number one between me and you hahaha
    Did I ramble on too?
    Damn, the things you make the cat do haha
    And a movie reference as well
    Now that is just swell.

    Pat thinks that is great though, as you help out and come out of your shell more and more. Even if your one eye is something of lore. But the cat won't let him speak. So I guess you have to be satisified with my little peek.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My voice is melodic and soothing
      not like your meows, which are abusing
      Feel free to donate to our account
      you'll feel better the higher the amount
      No one can ramble on like me
      I do it all the time at your sea
      I even included a movie that you knew
      without mentioning the word poo - damn!

      Thanks, Pat!!

      Delete
    2. You should hear his caterwauling when the moon is full and he's dancing around with his arse in the air. It's horrid, absolutely horrid.

      He left fleas at my bay again!

      Delete
    3. Thank goodness I've been spared that awful scene! The sight of that ass is dreadful.

      How dare he infest your place with fleas - it's time to attack him once again...

      Delete
    4. He's despicable is what he is!

      Delete
    5. hahaha you know upon the full moon
      I have to go out and swoon
      And meow a little tune
      Mooning the moon
      To prove mine is best
      The cat has such zest
      And if you can't handle the fleas
      Cover your knees haha
      I haven't had need to mention poo in a while
      I guess I need to work up a great big pile

      Delete
    6. Keep your pile in your pile Cat. You disgust me!

      Delete
    7. The cat seems to think his ass is so grand
      that it deserves an award or clap of hand.
      I couldn't disagree with him more
      over here at my sandy shore
      His bottom is flea bitten and vile
      and now will be shooting out a pile
      How did I end up in all of this mix?
      It's no wonder I'm feeling so sick!

      Delete
  3. You have courage like no other I have known. Amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think you did exactly the right thing! It takes time to build any group and getting the word out is so important. Probably some people will hear about your group and still need a few months to work up the courage to come. But they will, I'm sure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You brought up a very good point, Debra. I need to remember that a few weeks from now when I'm getting discouraged if no one is showing up and I'm there all alone talking to myself. I was told it takes a good six months to build up any regulars, they have to see that someone is always going to be there in order to make the effort themselves. Thanks!!

      Delete
  5. Yeah, that can't be a meeting people are looking forward to showing up for in the beginning, for exactly the reasons you stated. They probably don't want people knowing who they really are either. And, of course, once you go then you're admitting there's a problem and you actually have to deal with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, no, not exactly a meeting one wants to attend but one that people need after such a crappy thing has been dumped in their lap. I remember being so scared to walk into my first meeting and wondering what the people would think and then I heard the stories and I had nothing on these seasoned ladies...

      Delete
  6. WOW - powerful post, Elsie - powerful.

    Don't think for a moment just because a tangible, visible body wasn't sitting before you that the room wasn't filled to the brim with energy of those that have come and gone through the doors to the very room where you gave your moving and compassionate first meeting.

    I applaud you for your courage, tenacity and deep commitment to helping others in your community.

    Yes...word will get out and the room will fill.

    Again, I applaud you and I am sending you a cyber hug.
    Jenny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You just made me tear up! I can't believe you did that, Jenny...thank you so much. I may just print up this comment and put it my little S-Anon bag and carry it with me as a reminder. You're absolutely right - the woman before me can no longer attend and passed the torch to me and it's up to me to keep the flame lit. (Okay, now I have cheesy visions of myself like an olympic runner carrying the torch but whatever.)

      Thank you oodles, Jenny!!

      Delete
  7. I said you before you always amazed me dear Elsie be you only you always.
    Im not sure that I could be so brave like you:))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are brave, Gloria - I know it! =)

      Hey, where's my pie? ha ha ha

      Thank you, Gloria xoxoxo

      Delete
    2. I want a pie from Gloria Dear too :)

      Delete
    3. I thought if I nagged enough I might get one..do you think it'll work? LOL

      Delete
    4. maybe if we ask for a raspberry pie, I know Gloria Dear loves those :)

      Delete
    5. Hmmm, I'm pushing for blueberry myself... =P

      Delete
    6. I'm about to leave for the grocers and now I want pie!

      Delete
    7. Devin is bringing us home Dunkin' Doughnuts LOL

      Delete
    8. The twins love Dunkin doughnuts and sometimes I buy to them LOL yes I know but Im a mom!

      Delete
    9. Yes sometimes Im brave like when I adopted my twins and all people said I was crazy:))

      Delete
    10. you adopted twins, Gloria Dear? That's so lovely, I didn't know it! Wonderful!

      Delete
    11. I just knew it Gloria!! I knew you were a brave soul! I didn't know you adopted twins either. I'm also adopted - and adopting twins isn't crazy it's admirable xoxo

      Delete
  8. You did what you were supposed to do-you held the meeting and I know it was hard and awkward, but you also practiced your delivery and overcame some nerves. That will pay dividends later on.

    I'm glad you made the choice to write about this. You know most of us wish you no harm and we want the best for you. There's no way we'd invade your privacy. And didn't I tell you your readers would love following you on this journey.

    Right again!! I'm doing my happy dance!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It really was good practice and I'll know soon if I'll be alone next week - fingers crossed I won't be! But, it'll be okay if I am.

      I told you my concerns about writing this...I think I presented it well enough to alleviate my concerns? At least I think I did?? I just know when something presses me to write about something on here, I follow that instinct even when it scares me to do it.

      You were right - people are interested in following this part of the journey too. It's still scary, Anne LOL

      Delete
    2. You've taken a lot of risks on here since you started and it's all been well received. That's not going to change. People like you luv, they just do.

      Hey, I'm glad I logged on when I did as I didn't know you were going to post. For once I caught you at the right time.

      Delete
    3. Thank you, Anne, that means a lot and you too, Dez since you dittoed it =)

      I wasn't going to post until next week but I over did it the last two days and um, well, lets just say I'm paying for it today....ta dah..here I am =)

      Delete
    4. Hello darling, I just came from your place.

      You know Elsie some of my best posts were spontaneous ones when I thought "I don't feel like blogging." And then something comes up and I throw it out there and it just works.

      I'm off to the grocers and then to cook hamburgers and fries. And maybe pick up some blueberries for some crumble. You guys got me hungry!

      Delete
    5. This happened the last time I had that urge to crank out that live post on boundary agreements. It still gets hits every week...so strange...that unexpected post.

      Great, now you're going to make ME want blueberry even more!!

      Delete
    6. I bought a whole turkey-I told you I was hungry. Then I got all the fixins' and I'm making an apple crumble for desert. nom nom nom.

      Delete
    7. Dang! A whole turkey! Yum - and apple crumble...I'll be right over =P

      Delete
  9. I had no idea that dubstep violin could sound as incredible as that Elsie! And when it comes to the outreach program I think it's pretty incredible and wish you the best of luck with it. You're being extremely brave and doing something that I'm pretty sure I would not have had the courage to do in your position so well done.

    I'm pretty annoyed to read that somebody once broke your trust on here and messaged you on Facebook as well, you've done a lot to help people like me and the least you and Devin deserve is to be left well alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know right!! Isn't that incredible?! When I walked in and my son was playing it, I was like, what are you listening to? Then he showed me the videos and I was hooked. Except for the one on AGT - that sucked - it didn't do her justice. Now my son has a major crush on her LOL

      I'll tell ya, Matthew - I'm pretty scared about the outreach program. I would feel much better if it were for NA vs. S-Anon. Crazy, huh? I have an easier time talking about MY addiction to other people because my kids know about it but this one is a secret to my kids so it scares me. I don't mind discussing my recovery at all, it's just his addiction I don't want revealed. Ugh.

      I had someone stalk me on FB but not from my blog. She was one of Devin's affair partners. Another chick put me on blast from my other blog when she was pissed at me because I asked her not to contact me anymore because she was crossing to many boundaries with me and I had two people who got their kicks from saying sexual stuff on my other blog while I was still in a vulnerable stage. On this blog I've had some inappropriate emails sent. It's the nature of the addiction and the people it attracts. Meh, what can you do?

      I appreciate that I've helped you, Matthew - that means a lot to me!

      Delete
  10. Firstly, that's dubstep done right. I would've written about her but I heard her through another music blog and I dislike stealing. Always nice to hear her.

    Secondly, that's great. I honestly can't relate to the specific feeling, but I know that giving back is rewarding. The anonymity on such a subject.. even though I can't relate I can tell I'd be afraid too. I'm just a personal person. Props to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sooo wanted to recommend her to you but figured if we stumbled upon her, you'd already heard of her by now. I just love her! I'm glad to hear you do too. She must have some kind of dancing background too.

      It's going to take a lot for me to walk into a public place and hang up a poster or whatever. I'll probably wait until it's dark and hide in my car when I'm positive no one is watching and run in, slam the poster up and run back out LOL Maybe I'll get a wig or something?

      Delete
  11. the video of you giving a speeech to yourself could be priceless, you know :PPP
    And I'm with everything Annzie said above.
    And I've always loved the sound of violin, this one would probably be my fave violin piece:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2h2MSZbHTM

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The video is probably making it's rounds on Youtube right now LOL

      Thank you, Dezzy - it's going to be a challenge and it's going to be scary, but - I'll put on my big girl pants and I'll do it and then you guys will have to hear about it =PPP

      This is a beautiful piece - how did you find it??

      Delete
    2. it from ALEXANDER epic, darling, by famous Greek composer Vangelis and famous violinist Vanessa Mae. I've once competed at a world internet music festival of movie music with that one as my representative and won :)
      I'm generally thinking of making a spotlight on my fave film music pieces in the near future.

      Delete
    3. You should do it, Dezzy! You have a great ear for music - as the award shows - and I know all of us would appreciate it. Now if I could just convince you to feature a recipe on your blog each week, I'd be set =PP

      Delete
    4. there will be some recipe sharing over at Mel's place soon, she invited me to guest post this Autumn :) And you have a brilliant recipe in my comment at her today's post :)

      Delete
    5. I love how you say "Autumn" =) I can't wait to see the post, Dezzy and I'm headed over to her blog now to see the comment.

      Delete
    6. I think she published the comment now, it;s for sesame and beer salty waffles :)

      I do try to speak British as much as I can :) I speak with the British accent, but it's easy mixing UK and US words, since I have so many readers and friends in US.

      Delete
    7. I just looked at the recipe and it looks really easy (after I do the conversations - we crazy, Americans LOL) - and I looked at the FB page too and wondered what's in the bowl?

      I find it interesting you speak with a British accent. You'd laugh at my accent. If you ever heard of King of Queens...I have been told I look and sound like Carrie - the early Carrie =)

      Delete
    8. the bowl contains yoghurt :) It's best eaten with a glass of yoghurt or buttermilk or dipped into some sour cream (maybe mixed with some chives) :)

      Delete
    9. Oooh, I bet yogurt offsets the salt very well and we love us some sour cream and chives here - especially now that football season has arrived!

      Delete
  12. Good for you Lovey, you really are something else! (Or something Elsie, I know, sorry, I couldn't resist it)
    Bless your heart for carrying on with the meeting.
    God certainly has plans for you and He must have been blessed by your "rehearsal".
    Love and hugs to you Lovey x x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha ha! That was good, Lovey!! Something Elsie - I love it! God was probably like, "Ugh, what is this nutty girl doing now..great, blabbering away once again" LOL Seriously, though, it was a good practice run for sure!

      I hope you're doing okay??

      Much love and hugs right back xoxo

      Delete
  13. That video is something else, she is so talented. Thanks for sharing this ~

    As for desire to organize this group, if your heart is into this, then I say go for it. For all you know someone might benefit from it, someone whose life you can saved ~

    I purposely use my alias for this blog because I want to preserve my anonymity ~ I do get some spam comments but not much though, thankfully ~ Take care Elsie ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't she amazing? I'm so glad I found her. The video of her with the shadow dancing really shows off her violin skills.

      I truly believe it is time for me to step and and take the lead for our tiny group. We have three people but two are unable to attend on a regular basis for various reasons and the woman who began it hasn't been there in months and gave it over to me for outreach.

      I don't blame you one bit for using an alias over here...the topic itself has the potential to attract goobers.

      Be well, Heaven (which is how I will refer to you from here on out over here)

      Delete
  14. I my dear is not a secret teller and my frenemies are dang lucky for that.
    Its a good thing you are doing and there will be a day when a person walks thru the door and you change their life by being there talking!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't even fathom the thought of you having frenemies, Janice - it breaks my heart to think that you do. I am hoping that through my outreach I can help someone out there - just like I hope I help someone through this blog...

      Delete
  15. This is really awesome.

    Would you ever consider an online S-Anon group?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, hope. I looked into online S-Anon after DDay but the times were inconvenient for me then. I don't know if things have changed since then...but evenings are not good for me because of the kids.

      Delete
  16. (I think it's stunning -- simply stunning -- that you held a meeting when no one else showed up.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. awww, thank you - much better than my thinking = a bit nutty =P

      Delete
  17. You can count on me, I would never tell. I think what your doing is so great and maybe if you get one person and they tell one person, pretty soon you will have a room full. I think you will make a great teacher for so many that don't know what to do or that have lost hope. Good Luck and I hope next time there will be at least one person who is in need and willing to talk with someone.

    Love,
    Meemaw

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meemaw!!!! I know you'd stay quiet, you're my cyber grandma!! It will be a good feeling to see the room fill. To see women and men move past the hurt and trauma and work on themselves first and foremost and let the SA work on themselves. To let them know they aren't alone...that's a great feeling!

      Much love and hugs to you!!

      Delete
  18. Kudos to you. You are so brave.. I too believe, if you continue to have your meetings, people will indeed show. I think its amazing that you're doing this and I applaud you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mimi! I am hopeful if I keep working hard at the outreach then I will see results and be able to provide help and support for other people effected by people who have this addiction. And...not be reading to an empty room LOL

      Delete
  19. The song wasn't bad, though I think I would have preferred it without the wubs and drops. Not a big fan of dubstep.

    Online anonymity isn't too hard to maintain. That being said, I'm not exactly the most intriguing person ever so I don't think anyone really has gone into any effort to dig up anything on me. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She has several videos on YouTube that highlight just her violin playing along with her dancing skills. She is quite talented and is now touring the US.

      I don't know, being anonymous isn't as easy as it used to be. Trust me, I'm not all that interesting either and I've been found LOL Then again, I've been lucky enough to have to psychos cross my path.

      Delete
  20. I admire your ability to carry the torch even when there was no one there to watch or pass it on to. You have my admiration.

    I loved the song. Thanks for sharing.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Michael, I appreciate that very much.

      I'm so glad you liked the song. I found it to be something different and unique. It's not something I'd normally listen to but it definitely caught my attention!

      Delete
  21. I haven't watched the video part of this post yet, but I have Godsmack on my gym workout playlist. I still love your taste in music, girl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Barfly - you and I always seem to match up in music...until you drift over to your 70's crap LOL

      Delete
    2. That's funny Elsie. The only 70's music I like is disco, when I'm very intoxicated and in the mood to show off.....oh, I guess that's a lot.

      Delete
    3. Nuh-uh...you put 70's rock on your blog all the time...LOL

      Delete

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.