Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Lesson Learned

"Can you give me your foot, Elsie?" Devin quietly asked.

Embarrassed, I shook my head back and forth. I couldn't even lift my foot.  I was useless.  Completely and utterly useless.

Gently, Devin took my sock-covered foot into his large hands and placed it slowly into my well-worn sneaker.  He had undone the laces so my foot would slide in with ease.  Although his head was bent as he tied my shoe, I saw a smile spreading across his face as gently he did the same with my other foot.

A flash of shame, anger and guilt went through me.  How could he be smiling right now?  I was in pain, complete and absolute pain.  My incisions were burning, the muscles in my stomach hurt from throwing up all night, a Migraine from Hell had developed and I had zero medication left inside me.  Yet, looking down, I could still see the corners of his mouth lifting upwards in a grin.

"Why are you smiling?"  I snapped at him.

He looked up at me with love and patience and said, "This is what it's all about. Marriage and being there for each other in our time of need.  I love being here for you when you need me the most and you allowing me be the one to help you and being there for you.  I just love it."

"I hate it."  I replied honestly.  He already helped me get dressed, watched me throw up, watched as I struggled to brush my own teeth.  It was embarrassing and humiliating to have him see me so weak and helpless and I told him as much.

"You need to let go of some of that pride and let me take care of you. You just had a partial hysterectomy, let me help you.  It's what I'm here for and I enjoy  doing it.  Stop being so difficult and let's get you home."  

Off we went for the long ride home, his hand on my leg the entire time while he maneuvered the car as gently as he could around the corners. He assisted me into the house where I was greeted with flowers and cards and a banner from my daughter then he carefully helped me into bed.  He brought me ice chips, medication, set up a bedside tray and cared for me the rest of the day and everyday since, along with my daughter and I've let them...mostly...
~~~ Devin was right about my pride and willfulness.  It was something my sponsor and I discussed during my fifth step. Something I developed at a young age but called it by different names - independence, strong willed, determined - just to name a few, and it served me well while I was a widow and when I co-existed with my daughter's sperm provider; I was still alone, independent.  

I was in "control" and it worked well for me then and at times it still does and still can, however, I haven't been listening to my husband when he said he wants to be the one to take care of me, provide for me, be my rock.  Instead, I was focused on being in control and allowing my pride to get in the way.  I thought if he saw me weak - even in circumstances I couldn't help i.e. Migraines or even a partial hysterectomy - I'd somehow lose that strong woman quality he fell in love with and then he'd lose respect for me or perhaps I'd lose him forever.

I was wrong.  

If only I'd been listening to Devin the last year and a half when he told me he didn't resent me for my Migraines or when he explained he wanted to be my hero.  It took me being completely reliant upon him to see it's what he wanted and what I appreciated all along.

***
I will slowly but surely getting back into the groove of things.  It's been less than a week since my surgery so please bear with me as I get caught up on my blog and with yours.

Be well everyone!


  

86 comments:

  1. We ALL need help from those who love us it is not weakness it is strength, it takes a strong person to accept help!! Take your time and heal, we miss you and send you prayers of love and healing in ALL things!!!

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    1. I love your perspective on accepting help, Janice! I'm going to remember that, thank you for sharing it with me and thank you for your healing prayers; they are greatly appreciated!!

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  2. This is beautiful Elsie and I must admit that I cried a wee bit in the reading of it. Your Devin is right, you should let him be strong for you, let him care for you and let him love you as you have loved him.

    WELCOME BACK!!!

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    1. Oh, geez, I didn't mean to start off with another tear jerker...damn! I sent him a copy of this post and it made him all gushy inside too. It took me being at my weakest to allow me to let Devin take care of me - now I'm seeing it's how it should have been all along. It's how a normal marriage works, it's how my marriage with Senior worked but it had been so long, I'd forgotten. It's nice to let him care for me =)

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    2. it's the same in love as it is with children. You live to care for you kids and you do it with greatest joy and love, and so it is with partners. Or at least it should be :)

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    3. This is how God intended marriages to be. It's what The Hubby teaches his Bible Study students and most of us get it wrong. I do it all the time and it's really not fair to a man. They naturally want to take care of us and we should let them. The tears were a good thing!

      @De- a parent who can't love their children unconditionally is not fit to be a parent. I know Elsie and I see our children as our greatest gift in life.

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    4. Great comparison, Dezz - partners and children - to love fully and completely. No matter the circumstances and if roles were reversed I'd want to care for him and have cared for him under other circumstances.

      Anne - absolutely, I would die for my children. I can't stand to see them in any type of pain or stress and love them for everything they are and what they will become. I didn't know Hubby taught Bible Study =) It's good to know I'm not alone in fighting being taken care of either...

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    5. He's been doing it for years. He has a Doctorate in Theology and he taught a Masters class in Seminary years ago.

      I hate being taken care of but when one of mine is down, I get upset if they won't let me do for them. The complex minds of women....

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    6. I think this happens with us who survived lots of bad things and had to go through them often or always alone, Annzie and Elsie. This is why we feel strange when someone wants to take care of us. It never happened to me (that someone takes care of me), but I see from your examples that I might feel weird as well if it happens.

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  3. It is now the time for you to lean on him.He has leaned on you when he need help so that is what a good marriage is all about. I wish I could be there to help take good care of you but it seems like you have great help now. Get well soon.

    Love,
    Meemaw

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    1. Truer words have never been spoken, Meemaw! I'd love to have you here, oh my gosh, that'd be so awesome! Everyone is back at school and work today so it's just me all by my lonesome self again. But, I'm mending quite well, I just need to learn how to pace myself a little better...

      xoxoxo

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  4. It is now the time for you to lean on him.He has leaned on you when he need help so that is what a good marriage is all about. I wish I could be there to help take good care of you but it seems like you have great help now. Get well soon.

    Love,
    Meemaw

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  5. Well I hope you're up and about properly soon. The more I hear about Devin the more I like him. I'd have laughed at you too, but it would have been for the same reasons he did. Pride is good, independence is good, but there's nothing wrong with admitting you need help.

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    1. He finds my stubbornness quite amusing at times - and also quite frustrating too. Plus, I'm sure there was a bit of amusement at the fact that I couldn't lift my foot at all...we are a warped family in our sense of humor...

      The fact I admitted I needed his help was huge for me. I never have a problem asking my children, but asking him...well...not so much...thanks for the well wishes!!

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  6. You get well first and foremost and learn that lesson you are a lucky woman to have such a man - I'm sure many out there would say that

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    1. My recovery has been amazingly fast. The first three days sucked terribly but after that, not so bad. Sure, it hurts but meh, nothing I can't handle. Although, I find it funny how I can't cook dinner without getting exhausted. I made a meal the other night after going for my ten minute walk and was done for the rest of the night LOL My hubby and daughter had been doing all the cooking before that...

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  7. Welcome back old one eye. Hope all is getting well fast and the crap pain doesn't last. We all need help sometimes too and a new lesson was learned by you. To have somewhere around like that truly leaves you with a special place to hang you hat. Even with the mutts who sniff butts haha

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    1. Admit it, you missed me, cat! Funny how you knew it hurts when I crap...do you have your spies around me again? A valuable lesson was learned which just goes to show, you can teach this "old one eye" new tricks...

      My dogs rock!!! But, um, yeah, they did sniff my butt when I came home...

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    2. Old one eye-Cat you don't know which side your bread is buttered on do you. Oh she's back and we'll gang up on you now. And you love to not only sniff arses, you lick them as well. You disgust me.

      @Elsie-his a big back of fleas and we're going to stomp on his raggedy ass!!

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    3. He has to lick his arse because he needs every morsel to fill those Pringle cans, Anne - he's that vile and disgusting!! It's time to open up our own can of whoop ass on him!!

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    4. Geez both are back
      And on the attack
      Looks like someone missed the cat
      And my rhyming mat
      LMAO see
      A cat would never sniff your butt with glee
      But I guess they had to make sure it was you
      And the butt isn't as scary as your one eyed view
      So they took a sniff
      And got a good whiff hahahaha
      Pfft bring it on all you like
      For the cat will still make you take a hike
      And the cat only licks his own ass
      You're both just jealous you can't do it and only pass gas

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    5. Cat have I ever told you that I dream of taking you to the vet and having you declawed. And without being put under either.

      Listen to him Elsie, calling you one eye still, even though you have two. I think he must have fallen on his head while he was licking his arse. I hear poo is lethal in high doses. Here, kitty kitty.

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    6. hahaha well if poo is lethal in high doses, one pringle can should take down an army. The cat will never surrender and pfft to the vet.

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    7. You know you missed us both while we were gone
      for you it seemed just far to long
      always crying yourself to sleep
      unable to stop yourself from pitiful weep
      We have a vet who will take you down
      He lives not very far from you own town
      and down your cat throat he will shove
      a bitter pill full of poison, not love

      Come here kitty cat...good kitty....

      ~~ See, how could you not miss this?? LOL

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  8. Welcome back Lovey, I've missed you.
    Yes, put your feet up and make the most of it Lovey, you'll be running round soon enough taking care of everyone again . . . It's your turn for now.
    Sending hugs and love . . . Get well soon, but take it easy x x x

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    1. Lovey!!!!!! I have missed you too, my dear!!! I hope you are doing well =)))

      My feet are up on my couch - I have one of those couches that have a lounge on the end..not sure if you have those across the pond or not, but they rock for the likes of me - and I've been using the shit out of it this week =)

      YOU be well too xoxoxo

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  9. Yay! Elsie returns! And then bring us to tears with this beautiful post!

    You know, most women would take advantage of your situation and let their husbands spoil them rotten. Glad to see your coming around and letting Devin take charge and care for you.

    I suppose I could lighten up your load (temporarily) and remove a few bricks from that wall you've been carrying! It's the least I could do until you get well!

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    1. Hooray, it worked, I made Dan cry - yes! ha ha ha

      Is that what I'm supposed to be doing? Damn, I think I missed my window of opportunity to take advantage of the situation...I'm back on my feet, off drugs and everyone is back at school and work again. Hmmm, I wonder if I can have another surgery and do it right this time LOL

      Ummm, take charge? Slow down, killer..I'm allowing him the opportunity to care of me..that's it (*insert control issues*) LOL

      Awww, muchly appreciated, I can feel my abs healing already from those bricks being removed!! Now I can almost stand upright again - awesome!

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    2. I meant temporarily take charge! Chill! You can resume your full control duties if you must...control freak! lol

      I don't think you had surgery anyways. You're playing us. It was an alien abduction wasn't it? I don't like aliens so I might just double the load of the brick wall and squish alien Elsie! lol

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    3. Oh, alright then. Temporary I can do...kind of...maybe LOL

      Dammit, Dan!! I tell you my secret in confidence and you shout it across the airways?! Yes, I was abducted by aliens but I didn't allow them to turn me into one of them, I promise so no doubling the load on the brick wall!! I beg you!! Or, I'll cut your head off again and not bestow the gift of unbeheading upon you again LOL

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  10. Wow. What an emotional roller coaster this morning! The first blog I read made me laugh and then I read yours and got all weepy! What a great post.. You take all the time you need to heal and enjoy all of the love that surrounds you.. We'll still be here.. ;)

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    1. Oooh, I need to find out the first blog you read - I love to laugh!!! Thank you for the well wishes and the kudos. It's amazing all the love my family has to give and more amazing how blind I was to how willing my husband was to take care of me when I'm sick.

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  11. Oh no Elsie, sorry that you're just a week after the operation, I really hope that things recover and get better as quickly as they can possibly. You should let Devin look after you because I can guarantee that he wants to, he loves you! I'm so glad that you've got an amazing man like that, hopefully you get better soon Elsie. Don't worry too much about blogging, like MiMi says we'll all be here when you're ready to post again, just concentrate on getting better again soon!

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    1. You're so sweet and kind, Matthew. I'm doing surprisingly well so soon after surgery. Everyone was pretty strict about allowing me to do anything - lift anything, cook, walk to long...so I think that is helping me heal correctly. I will be taking breaks away from blogging as I get tired though, that's for sure. You guys are all so understanding and are always there for me! Thank you!

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  12. welcome back, Elsie dearest!
    Oh, I totally understand both Devin and you. Him for feeling that the essence of love is caring for eachother in situations like these, and wanting to do things for you not because he needs to but because he years and wants to do them. And you for having pride and not feeling comfortable when others want to help.

    Sorry to hear you had pain after the surgery. I'm quite resilient to pain and haven't felt any after any of my surgeries even though I haven't used any painkillers the day after the surgery. Hope the pain is gone for you now and that you will be back in business in no time.

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    1. Yaaaaay-she's back, she's back, she's back!!!!!

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    2. Thank you for the warm welcome my handsome, Dezzy!! Devin kept saying how much he hated to see me in pain and how he wished there was something he could do to stop it. He said it made him feel better to help me, like he was protecting me somehow.

      The pain was intense for the first few days right where they removed the cervix because I kept throwing up but then, not so much. Now it's just kind of slow going and pain isn't anything I can't handle. I had to use painkillers after I popped a stitch cause that hurt LOL You have a strong constitution Dezzy!!

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    3. hope antibiotics aren't giving you trouble either, Elsie. I hate antibiotics, they either ruin my stomach or as in last case, give me horrid rash :))))

      Oh, my, popping a stitch, that sounds terrible, darling.

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    4. No antibiotics for me, thankfully! The anesthesia gave me a run for me money though LOL Nausea and a rash all over which I still have - I'm so sexy right now ooh la la!!

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    5. do you know where's the rash from? I had it after the surgery and thought it was from the antibiotic.

      Did you refrain from drinking and eating at least 6 hours before the surgery? Some people usually vomit if they have fluids and food in them. But some just react badly on the anesthesia :( I've seen a girl at my plastic surgeon who vomited all day long after the boob job operation :)

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    6. No, I don't know what the rash is from but I'm not worried about it. It's not spreading and it's not to annoying and it's slowly going away with Caladryl so I figured it was the anesthesia. I didn't eat fourteen hours before surgery. That's what I did - vomited all day - it was awful, my stomach was killing me!! I think that's why the walk caused the stitch to pop. But, today, today I can drive!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!

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    7. yep, if you weren't given antibiotics, than it might be the anaesthesia. I must investigate that, since I also had a terrible rash and thought it was from an antibiotic, but it's possible it was from local anaesthesia. We might be onto something here :)
      Next time (and there won't be a next time) you need to vomit it all out before you lie down on the table :PPP
      You got stitches? I was sewn with a biodegradable thread LOL The doctor forgot to take out part of it and when its end popped out two months after, she pulled out 15cm of it out of me :) It was a wonderful experience LOL

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    8. I spoke with a friend...it seems the nausea and even rash can be a side effect of the anesthesia for some people. We are special, Dezzy =))) No, next time for me, but for you...you should be sure and let them know.

      It looks like some of the stitches are biodegradable. I can't tell about the one that popped yet LOL I'll just leave that one be. Seriously though, the tape has already fallen off one incision and almost completely off the other - healing nicely. Nothing like what happened to you. Yikes, my poor dear, and to have it done it alone. So, not fair!!

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  13. Hey Elsie. Geez I feel stupid for not knowing you didn't live in LA anymore, and even more stupid for not knowing you were having a procedure of some kind.

    You take care and I look forward to you coming back soon!!

    Maybe you should sell cliff notes for ADD people like me -lol.

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    1. Don't feel bad - you can't be expected to know everything about all of your followers, Barfly!! I didn't say anything about my surgery until today so if you knew anything you'd be psychic ha ha ha...I mentioned it a few months ago and then went silent so only a two or three people really knew.

      My cliff notes would be five pages long!! You know me, I ramble. LOL

      Thanks for the well wishes!!

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  14. I hope you recover quickly and well, Elsie! Surgery is no fun.

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    1. Thank you, Debra! No, this was not fun but I think the after effects will be =)))

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  15. I'm surprised you're back so soon after surgery. Welcome back!
    It's hard to let go and let someone take care of you. It's like admitting you aren't totally self reliant and actually need help. But it's nice you have someone patient, willing to understand where you're coming from and not taking offense at how you feel right now when you're vulnerable. That was a really sweet story.

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    1. Thank you, Pickle and thank you so much for stopping by. You bring up a very good point about him being understanding about me being, well, difficult at best...especially when I'm sick. I hated admitting I wasn't self reliant - that was the toughest part; stupid pride!

      Meh, surgery can't keep away from blogging...*yawn*....where's my ice pack, Motrin and comfy pillows?

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  16. Elsie, I had the same surgery about three years ago. For about two weeks I was very tender, and vulnerable, and also a little scared. But I was amazed at how quickly my body recovered. Really. A month later I was hiking in the mountains again, and doing everything I did before -- except heavy lifting. Be very grateful you've got someone to do that stuff for you. :)

    And I can only speak for myself and my experience, but all the other things come back too, like the sex stuff. It all still works just fine. :))

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    1. I am very surprised at how quickly I'm recovering. All except the left incision is doing really well. The left one is very tender still but that's the "action" incision - ewww. I'm even back in my own bed without a steps tool (we have an elevated bed). I'm walking twice a day for 10 minutes a pop and back to cooking and today I'm driving and going to my meeting. And it's only been a week. Will I be exhausted later, probably...but, if I have to, I'll chill on the couch when I get home.

      I am so grateful for the help - especially the lifting and the reaching for stuff. I'm really glad to hear about the sex too because that was a concern going into surgery. Someone warned it wouldn't be the same afterwards and I couldn't understand why...they didn't remove my damn G spot for heaven's sake! LOL

      Thanks for reassuring me - you helped a bunch!!

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  17. I'm glad you're back, and I'm glad you learned something from this. I think it's one of those important things.

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    1. I'm glad to be back too - I missed my little corner of the blogosphere and having learned something in the process was a blessing too.

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  18. I hope you are on the road to recovery soon!!! Let him take care of you! You are lucky to have him want to and be able to rely on him. For example one night when I was deathly ill, my now ex put me in a cab at 2:00 a.m. and sent me to the hospital alone and scared, b/c he had to get up for work the next day. I had to take a cab home the next morning, get my prescriptions filled and buy, make and feed myself the broth and jello. It makes all the difference in the world to have a partner that cares.

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    1. Goodness, JoJo! It's no wonder he's your ex! That is a horrible, awful story. Now you have a fantastic and wonderful man who is going to take very good care of you and never allow anything like that happen to you ever again!! I am very lucky to have Devin =)

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  19. It's odd that one of the things I get greatest pleasure from is being their for my wife and helping her when she needs me. Anyway glad to see you getting back to normal...the body has a great capacity to heal itself, I'm sure you'll do fine.

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    1. That's what Devin says. He says he finds happiness in being able to help me when I can't help myself. I don't "get it" but I guess I don't have to...

      Yeah, my recovery is moving right along, I'm so pleased!

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  20. Sometimes, for me, it sucks to NEED my Sunshine. But then I remember how nice it is when he NEEDS me for something. Hope you continue to heal!

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    1. It's true, Cindy, how it good it feels to be needed by someone else - my kids, Devin, hell, even the dogs...remembering that should keep it in perspective (better perspective) for me. Thanks for the well wishes!

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  21. Dear Elsie hope you will recovery soon dear and feel well! aah Elsie Im happy you comeback I missed you!
    This is a nice and lovely post:))

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    1. I am doing so well, Gloria, it's amazing. But, you know what would really make me feel divine? Blueberry pie....LOL =)))) Just saying....

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    2. Aaah If I can sure I will send you some pieces dear.
      Happy yo feel well and care by Devin:)
      Hey you can see we really missed you with all these comments!LOL
      huggs

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    3. One of these days, Gloria, we'll have a big ol' blogging party - with you baking of course LOL

      Seeing all these warm comments made my heart smile!!

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  22. Get better dear Elsie ~ Take your time and let him take care of you ~ You deserve the attention and care too ~

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    1. Thank you Heaven! I am so surprised how much I am improving with each passing day. I think it has a lot to do with how much Devin and Peanut have done for me and how much I've made myself slow down. And, yeah!! I DO deserve it =)

      Be Well, Heaven - you really touched me with your poem yesterday...it was so me...

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  23. What a beautiful love story. That's the stuff that makes for real marriages.

    Heal up quickly! You have a couple of fantasy teams to manage :)

    And, I have an award for you on my blog :)

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    1. Thank you for the well wishes, Kianwi!

      I know right! MY team is on tonight!! Go Giants!!! Manage? Shit, I have to do something? *sigh* I'm screwed....

      An award? Really? Oh my gosh!!! Thank you!!! I'm headed over!!!

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  24. Oh to have such a caring man, while I was sick as all hell mine did nothing except left me alone to die in bed.......lol He didn't even feed the dog........lol

    I hope you are on the mend........

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    1. Please tell me you're kidding, Jo-Anne...you mean this most recent illness when you stuck in bed? Hang on, I'm catching a plane and giving him a talking to LOL

      I'm glad your finally getting better too!

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  25. Aww, some people just need to be needed by the ones they cherish and this post shows how much he cherishes you.

    Sending you an enormous amount of hugs and kisses. Get well soon Elsie. xx

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    1. Whew, those were some wet kisses, lily - LOL =P

      I think you're right because I'm one of those people and I can't believe I didn't see he was too. How dense am I? It feels good to be needed. My pride is just so big, it was getting in the way...I'm still a work in progress.

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  26. That was really sweet. And he's right. I love this.

    And I hope you feel better SOON! Recovering from any kind of surgery - especially any kind that involves your abdomen - is absolute hell. Trust me...I KNOW! Hang tough - I wish there was something I could do for you, but I will settle for what I can, and that is sending all kinds of love and positive healing energy your way!! Take care!! xx

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    1. Thanks, Mel!! Ugh, I hate when he's right...and what I really hated..sending him the email with the words that contained the phrase "I was wrong" LOL just kidding (kind of)...

      I'm doing really, really good. The incision where they put the tool for the extraction hurts still but other than that, the other two are just tender to the touch. Even the one that I busted the stitch on isn't bad anymore. I'm surprised! Thank you so much =))))

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  27. Howdy mam, this is your local troll patrol. Just doing an early morning check of your blog to ensure that you have a troll free experience today. If you experience any trouble with trolls, don't hesitate to contact us at www.wekilltrolls.com

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    1. Annzie is on the hunt :)
      Annzie if the troll attack you, tell us immediately and we shall all appear at his blogs and expose him to the public!

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    2. Thank you, ma'am! No trolls as of yet - I appreciate you swinging by and checking and I'll be sure to contact you so I can get Guido...although...I have my own precautions that I'd be more than happy to engage if his dumb ass decides to land on my blog.

      A shiny new toy for Elsie to play with while she has nothing to do but lounge upon her couch and recover from her surgery. Oh the fun I could have!!! If only you could see my smiling face....aka evil fucking grin.

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    3. This poor bastard doesn't know what he got himself into. There he was thinking "I'll just fuck with this little Irish girl" And BAM, he's surrounded!! You do know he's a Brit. He's living in Canada though. Poor Canada!

      He's also a priest, so playing with him would be even more devilish. The cool thing as that you can do whatever you want and you don't even have to confess it!!




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    4. No, he doesn't know the circle of bloggers he's walked into, nor the strong woman he's encountered.

      *eye roll* A true priest would never stoop to such childish behavior.

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  28. I think God refers to them as "helpmates." That's what we are to be to each other.

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    1. "helpmates" aka "soulmates" I like that, Bama

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  29. I had to idea. I am sorry, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

    I know all about pride and wilfulness, but if you just surrender...it feels so good so be so loved.

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    1. Thanks, Nellie. I'm recovering well. It does feel good to be loved so deeply and to be taken care of when I needed him so much.

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  30. That was a wonderful story, and it reminded me why I loved being married. I get migraines too - not frequently, but I do get them - and at the time I feel like such a burden, but after the fact, I appreciate that I have my wife to take care of me, since I do the same for her when she's sick (she has a chronic sickness that fatigues her: no doctor can diagnose it). We both need each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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    1. I hate hearing that you get Migraines. I'm so sorry!! I want that for no one. I understand completely about feeling like a burden and also how you pointed out about taking care of her. I take care of Devin when his blood sugar drops - he's diabetic - and it's second nature to do so and I think nothing of it...and, same as you...I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.