Thursday, August 9, 2012

Kickin' It!



“Kick his ass to the curb!”

How many times have we heard that?  How many times have we thought that?  Why did we stay with the people who cheated on us?  Especially if they were sex addicts?

“She’s better off without him!”

I was hearing it now as I sat at the picnic table, waving mosquitos away.  We had moved from inside to the backyard after watching an episode of The View.  My sister-in-laws all spoke at once, giving their opinions about the latest celebrity who had been caught allegedly cheating on his wife.  Only I noticed one talk show host had remained quiet, Sharon Osborne, and only I remained quiet at the picnic table.

“What do you think, Elsie?”  One of my sister-in-laws asked, fired up from the debate.

“I think you guys are way to worried about some guy out in Hollywood.  Who wants a beer?”  Deflection.  My counselor always said I had a knack for it.  This time it served me well.

Why did I stay?  The simple answer would be love, but the honest answers are never simple, are they?  No, honesty is usually a bit more complex. Not to mention, love wasn’t enough, not this time.

I stay because I was able to love my husband despite his addiction.  I was able to remove the addiction from the equation of his character, as I had always known him, as the man he was when we met and love him.  Then, I added the addiction back into the equation and added all of the things the addiction included.  The setbacks, the lies, the required patience from me, the meetings, the counselors and I still found I loved him for the man he was and still is today.

I stand by his side because as a 25 year sober cocaine addict, I have a unique understanding of walking his path.  My path was not as difficult and that’s okay, it was mine and I don’t judge him for his struggles because it’s not my place to judge, I am not God.  I do understand the desire to want to be sober and the disappointment when there is an inner struggle between want and ability.  I have faith.  Faith in him and Faith it will be okay.

I’m here because I am finally healthy enough mentally to know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s because I want to be.  I always knew I was able to walk away if I had to, and I still will in need be. Devin knows if he cheats again or recovery is not ongoing, I’m leaving.  I will live in a cardboard box before I would put myself through that mental anguish again.  However, I am finally confidant enough in my recovery to know I am not codependent and I have exorcised all my demons.  I don’t need the confirmation of my rockin’ counselor to confirm it this time.

I was once asked how I could respect my husband after all he had done to our marriage and me.  For me, it’s quite easy.  He is more than his addiction and his actions were a result of his addiction.  I’m more than my addiction too.  My addiction does not define me any more than his defines him. The thing I respect the most; he is remorseful and has been since Disclosure Day.  It has helped me heal and move forward and get past my triggers.

Another question asked of me was how could I allow him to touch me again?  How could we be intimate?  This was trial by fire.  We went through hysterical bonding.  It’s common; if you’re new to the disclosure world, don’t be surprised, you’re not alone.  When that phase wore off, I found I would cringe at his touch.  I would cry if we tried to be intimate or even in the middle of being intimate.  I had to set boundaries and often times those boundaries changed on a day-to-day basis.  We took it slow.  We held hands, then hugged, then progressed from there and made a game of it until I was comfortable again, always knowing I could trigger at anytime and that was okay.

A word of advice that I wish was imparted on me:  It is normal to want to surround yourself with people in your situation.  People who understand your pain and who also think your husband is a prick for cheating on you.  Please allow me to caution you, if you truly want your marriage to work, try your best to stay away from those people.  They are bitter and you may become bitter too.  The same holds true for anyone who is stuck in the loop of hyper vigilance.  It is normal to behave this way for a little while, it’s a natural response, but it has to come to an end and if you’re surrounding yourself with people who thrive on that behavior, you will too.  It’s unhealthy and will bring you down and cause further damage to your healing process.  Please trust me on this.  It happened to me. I got stuck there for months!

No, I am not a doctor…I only play one on Blogger…

One a waaaay lighter note:

Much thanks to – Janice's Footsteps!  She gave me the Big Balls – No wait..I saw balls on the award…Rockin’ Blogger Award and she knows me well. I don’t have to do a damn thing.  Just cut and paste.  Muchly appreciated, Janice!!

Also, I’ve been trying to put up a poll to see what you guys would like me to write about.  I know this is a blog about sex addition but I am writing my book and it’s opened up this wildly creative side.  You guys have been paying the price.  My posts have become, well, full of narration.  So, would you like me going back to my roots and stop writing this blog like a book or what.  It’s in your hands, my Hooligans…vote away!  Or not and I’ll just go buck wild.  Whatever.  (There is NO option for shorter posts...for that go elsewhere ha ha ha)

Be well!

73 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. You like the ladies fired up!!

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    2. We just took the gold in women's boxing-and right now fired up is what we all are. But yeah, I think he really would like buck wild anyway-he's a feckin' man for Christ's sakes.

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    3. I saw that on his blog! But you're no match for those ladies, Anne!! You're a tough Irish chick yourself =)

      True, he's a guy, he likes it buck wild!

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  2. Im agree with you each.life and each person is different; only God know and I understand cause I know love is a misterious and maybe for this is amazing:)

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    1. Love is mysterious, Gloria and it's really up to God, not me to judge...and boy does He know just how different I am really I am!!!! =PPP

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    2. Well that is the amazing dear and fir this I always tell you thst you are special and God love you too lol

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    3. He shows me He loves me all the time, Gloria! I may be sick all the time with the stupid Migraines but This To Shall Pass.... Amazing? Meh LOLOL

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  3. Elsie, I say Go wild!!! I think you should know that those of us who have grown to love what you express want you to express what you want hhaha does that make sense? Yay I tried the deep thinking approach LOL just GO FOR IT BALLS DOWN!!!!
    I agree... one of my most quoted sayings is "Show on the other foot" or until you walked my path do not judge that includes our mates, husbands, wives, kids etc.. How one copes may not work for another. I respect your honesty and so should others and that is all that matters...your wants are to give it 100% and I respect that. I am here for you to be a friend :))
    Your writing is raw and intriguing and holds depth, I think you will do well :))

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    1. I tried again this morning to do the poll and it just won't let me post it. Grrrr. Go wild, huh? I may put a blog post up with the options I wanted to give, just for giggles...but, I love the BALLS DOWN approach!!!!

      It's true, Janice, until you've walked in someone else's shoes, you can't understand their path. It's never a wise idea to judge someone or their family - no one knows what's happened or what's happening behind closed doors.

      Thank you again, Janice - YOU ROCK!

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    2. You should try your hand in poetry ~ Just keep it simple at first, then later on, learn other poetry forms...its fun.

      And prose is my weakness....I started with micro prose writing...but still have along way to go to write a story like you ~

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    3. Prose is what I find most comfortable writing but to put that in poetry; I'm not certain I could do that...narration in rhyme? I could do it without the rhyme but not like you...and keeping it simple, lol, not my style!!! =)))

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  4. Congratulations on the award and you certainly are on a role today. Two in a row and both really well written.

    You asked so here's my answer-Poetry. At least one poem. About anything you want, it could be true to life, it could be abstract. Let your imagination run away with you.

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    1. Thanks for the congrats. =)

      Poetry...my weak point - good call. A challenge. And, now I'm nervous because Grace (Heaven) follows me and she is so talented!!

      ** yeah, yeah, Pat, so are you ** LMAO

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    3. Oh my - okay, a poem with rhymes..got it! And no wieners..check!

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    4. hahahaha gonna make you work hard now
      Well the cat can simply meow
      And pull one off with ease
      Even while sending fleas to your knees
      Good luck though
      I know you'll get one to show
      But it might take double the time
      As that one eye screws up the rhyme

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    5. I will make it sappy with love
      then send off a pretty white dove
      no wait, I will fill it full of doom
      with and extra dash of gloom
      or maybe one of of crazy and insane
      nah, people see that at your lane
      we shall see what I decide
      either way, it'll be a fun ride

      *BAM* 30 seconds!!!

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    6. Hmm I guess thirty is good
      And it was even understood
      Wow you must have thought of that last night
      And then typed it out in the daylight
      I bow down to your typing skills
      Really fast and must pay the bills
      hahahaha see I can turn it around
      A win will never be found

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    7. Hell yeah I can throw down a rhyme
      I can even do it in record time
      despite the fact that I'm in a ton of pain
      I will show you that I'm the one who reigns
      So now it's you who bows down to me
      maybe a trip to the golden loo will occur when you must pee....

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    8. Me? Bow down to you?
      What kind of alien universe have you gone to?
      I'll turn around
      Where what goes in the golden loo is found
      And give a look
      That can't be mistook
      If that is your pleasure
      But with the cat you can not measure

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    9. I see what I have in store
      when your team loses, you will roar
      I won the debate, fair and square
      just admit, my find of the golden loo was rare

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  5. So many people are so quick to give up these days. It makes me sad. My husband and I have hit a rough patch because if the obscene amount of stress we have had, butwe just won't give up. She I think it's great you know where your line is and that you are supportive at the same time. I can only imagine the work that went into that amazing attitude!

    And you go buck wild. I wouldn't even mind if your posts were longer!!

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    1. It's sad isn't, Mel? People hit a rough patch and decide to just say, "screw it, I'm done." They can't reach inside themselves and find what drew themselves to the other person in the first place; it's easier to just walk away and forget. So self serving. I'm glad you and your hubby have chosen to stand by each other's side despite the huge amount of stress you've been under.

      Girl, check yourself for a fever....longer posts....you must be ill LMAO!!

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    2. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a major kiss ass and never realized it!

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    3. No way - keep on kissing!!! LMAO!!

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  6. Great insight.

    I still try to figure out my wife and why she stayed with me, however my addiction didn't have the issues a sex addiction does, but she still had to live through some terrible stuff. I heard her say to a friend once "I have back the man I always knew was there". On overhearing that I was a bit stunned - truly she knew me far better than I knew myself through those years.

    She attended the family sessions at my rehab - she wasn't a willing participant, she isn't into open disclosure of her issues, she can't get how I can do that in AA, she didn't like being "preached to" by people she felt were too intrusive into her over something that was my problem. I can see her point of view.

    About a year sober and I was asked to speak at a local convention as a newcomer. There was Al-Anon there too, so I asked her to come along which she did with my son as well. But they, like you didn't like the tone of the thing. She came out again moaning about it being my issue not hers etc.

    For some people I think there is no doubt something that helps there for others being with people who have an axe to grind is not healthy

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    1. I think your wife and I are the same in the respect that we saw the good, not the addict.

      Devin had two worlds - fantasy and reality. When I met him he was "white knuckling" it, he was "sober" for a long time. It was a gradual descent for him. Then his Nan got sick and he got worse, she died and he physically cheated. It was then he knew he had a problem but couldn't stop looking at the porn for more than a few days, weeks if he was lucky.

      Let me clarify though...MY BAD!!!! I had just written my DDay stuff and talked about being on a website and a forum that had no association with a 12 step program. So when I wrote this, that was stuck in my head, I should have been more specific.

      The site focused on cheaters and that was it. I was then a member of another site for spouses of sex addicts, again NO 12 steps, and again, the women were all jaded...the missing piece of the puzzle? The program. It wasn't until I went to S-ANON that I found peace. (COSA didn't work for me because of one lady.)

      I didn't mean to imply the program meetings weren't healthy - for me they are. It was the other internet crap that did the damage. The places that bashed the spouses for being nothing but low down scum for making a mistake.

      What would they have said about me if they knew I were a drug addict, I wonder?

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  7. Well I can understand in your situation, you know what he has been through, you've been through a variation of it yourself. Addiction is a terrible thing and it can really get a hold of a person. So I can understand why you stuck with Devin, and I do think that was the right choice for both of you. I can understand why a person would take a cheater back. The one thing I will never understand though is why someone will take an abuser back. I can understand dependence though, I guess. I have been very dependent before, and let things go that I shouldn't. I have also been depended on before. I know someone who is severely depressed because the man she loves more than anything doesn't care about her, and no amount of "you're better than that" and "you deserve someone who loves you" is going to change her. You have to see these things for yourself. No, I'm not really sure what I'm talking about or why I brought anything up.

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    1. Funny you should mention taking an abuser back, Mark. My best friend in NY is an that situation. I will be blogging about it soon. It's one of those pieces that I want to write about but don't want to write about it because it breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time. It's so horrible in her home that I couldn't even call her for her birthday the other day because her "husband" hates me that much because I encourage her independence. Heartbreaking.

      Dependence (codependence) on someone is a tough thing to face. I was codep on Devin for almost a year. I slapped some blinders on and went into a codep mode. It took a shit load of self analysis to admit it and, Mark, when I did, I cried like a little bitch. Me, Miss Independent, was co-dep. *shudder* I didn't see it. No one in this world, no matter how much I loved and respected them could have told me that's where I mentally was, because, I was in denial too. Maybe your friend is there too? Just a guess.....

      You can bring anything up here, Mark...not even sure I went on the right track there for you.

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  8. Firstly I'd like to congratulate you on get another award Elsie. Honestly if you got a trophy for every single award you got for your blog you would be needing a new cabinet soon haha.

    I also have to admire how skilled your deflection was and I can definitely empathise with your husband and his addiction as well as yours because I've fought addiction before and while I'm only 19 and can't comprehend it as well as you guys can I know it is so hard to shake it even if it hurts the ones you love, there's nothing more difficult. At the same time though, I guess there is an extent. You and Devin have a great relationship and obviously care deeply for each other but if anything ever happened again, I wouldn't hold it against you and nobody could if you called it a day.

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    1. ha ha ha, it must be the Summer of Awards LOL - thanks!!

      For some reason, I thought of Karate Kid, "come little grasshopper, you have much to learn about addiction" he he he At least you know where to come when you have a question about some hardcore cocaine addiction, huh? How sad is that? It's time for another coke story, enough sex addiction crap!!

      We do have a great relationship and I think it's because we work as a team. It's been a looong road! It's been well travelled but it's been well worth it!

      On a side note, I hope you're feeling better - I have a Migraine today (and yesterday) so I'm behind on blogging...but I've been a bit worried about you.

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  9. What an inspiring post! You know it's true love when after all you've gone through, you still want to stand by your man. I admire you for that! People make mistakes but unfortunately most people are less forgiving. People also suffer from addiction and disease and their partners are often unwilling to understand it. I applaud thee for your efforts to face your fears head on!

    As for what you write on this blog, it don't matter. I will still read no matter what it is you write about! Unless of course it's migraines! Then I'm outta here! lol

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    1. Hey, Dan, I have a Migraine. Had one yesterday too. ha ha ha!!

      Maybe I'll do a post on Migraines...make it really really really long then post it on Twitter, create a FB account and post it there and link it to your blog...all this because you made me carry that Wall of Shame!!!! (Just ask Pat, I can whine up a storm!!)

      Not to be all sentimental here, Dan, but you know about rough patches too and you guys made it through. Apples and oranges, of course - you two didn't go through anything like what we went through, but, it takes a strong marriage and a strong love of each other to make it through the rough times.

      I give kudos to Devin too for being willing to stand by me while I'm unable to work; that's put a huge strain on us financially. I joke about lounging about, but really...it's not all fun and games. I can't clean, I can't cook, I can't move..twice a week or more - now that sucks! Yet, he stays too.

      Now, where is that draft for my Migraine post???

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    2. You are trying to get rid of me aren't you? lol It won't work, Elsie! I'm here to stay, migraines or not!

      I received the same rockin blogger award as you did, won't you come see how I acknowledged this one? I got another award too...one that is a perfect fit for shameful promotions.

      And if you're not careful, you will get this award too! lol It's the Asshole award!

      On a more serious note...I used to get migraines so I know that pain and how it renders you useless. It breaks my heart to see anyone suffer from these. Death would be better than a migraine! I actually had one the other night. It kept me up for hours and lasted for 2 days. It was the first one I had in about 15 years. No, it wasn't just a headache either, I know the difference!

      I say I don't want to hear about it and I'm only half serious. I like to joke around and give you a hard time but I also don't like to know you are suffering. I know migraines are no joke!

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    3. ha ha ha!! I saw that award on Blondie's yesterday!! It was hilarious!!

      Hmm, I'm guessing....well, I won't spoil the fun but will head on over there.

      Damn, you're worse than the plague, I can't get rid of you. Will Rid-X work? LOL

      Oh, no! Did you have a front move through that triggered the Migraine? I don't know what this one is from but it's pissing me the hell off. Two days long, what is it thinking?? I just got my damn Botox, geez! I'd take a 15 day break - a 15 year break is a fantasy for me!!! You're one of the few who knows the difference between a "really bad headache" and a Migraine.

      I know you don't mind hearing about it, but really, who wants to hear that much bitching? Don't I do enough around here?? LOL

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  10. I love how you used beer as a diversion tactic. Works every time.

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    1. See how easily I diverted you!! LOL

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    2. That was good. I chuckled out loud just now.

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    3. I know how to make my lurker laugh!

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  11. I'd probably forgive too, especially since he has an addiction, a kind of illness. And especially since it was a sexual adultery not mental or emotional one, although some ladies don't agree with this, but that's because most women won't see the psychological difference between men and women.
    I'd forgive if I still felt love like you did, Elsie.

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    1. I should have known you'd see it this way Dezz with your background in psychology. It's unfortunate that many people wouldn't be able to see it the same way unless they have experience with addiction too or have a psych or medical background too.

      Love is a powerful force, is it not?

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    2. that's because most people see adultery as an attack on their ego, but real love should always have understanding especially in cases of illnesses, otherwise it's not love and should be ended in any way.

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    3. That is when true love is put to the test; during times of illness, which is what addiction is - as you well know.

      Although, it did hit my ego, more accurately, my self esteem quite hard until quite recently. That was a total chick move =))

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  12. I don't consider you a cocaine addict. You were. Now you are not. To me, and this is of course just my opinion, that is a place on your lifes timeline that is in the past, it's not a part of the "now" nor will it be a part of your future. There is never a reason to label yourself as such nor harken back to a time that was hurtful to you. Labeling yourself like that only states that you are allowing it to remain a part of the "now." That's just my views on that. xo

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    1. I had the best (or so I thought) comment typed in hours and hours ago, where the hell did it go??? Maybe it's with the poll Blogger won't let me design?

      Anyway, it went something like this -

      I don't label myself an addict, I am an addict but I don't let it define who I am. I share my addiction and my experiences to help others and let them know they are not alone and hopefully let them know that one day, they too can become like me, sober for 20 years. That's something I'm proud of. I will never, ever be ashamed to say I am a coke head. Anyone who knows me in my real life, knows it. I don't run up to people and shake their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Elsie and I'm a sober coke head." But, if someone is struggling, I pipe in and give my two cents. My past is part of my now because if it wasn't, I'd be doomed to repeat it.

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    2. hence why I usually just give you an "xo."
      XOXO.

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    3. LOL - Have a good weekend, Bama!

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  13. I have always said it takes more out of you to stay and work on your marriage than just to give up and take everyone elses advice and leave. You and Devin have definately worked very hard for yours and it really shows.

    Love,
    Meemaw

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    1. Meemaw!!!! That is so true!!!! It is much harder work to stay and hash it all out. The rough spots and really, really rough and take a ton of sandpaper to smooth out =)

      xoxoxo

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  14. I've said it many times before...You staying shows what a strong and AMAZING person that you are. :) Congratulations on the award xo

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    1. Thanks on the congrats, Jax! Aww, I don't know about amazing...awesome, perhaps, but amazing? LOL

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    2. Nope, amazing definitely fits ;) lol

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    3. awww, shucks.....

      *kicking dirt*

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  15. Your ability to push through to the other side and stick with your husband throughout this pain and devastation amaze and impress me. Not a lot of people could do it; I couldn't. I suspect my ex-h cheated on me although he swore till the day I moved out that he never did. Sadly I was the one that ended up in a new relationship, albeit long distance....the physical cheat didn't happen till after my divorce was filed but the emotional cheat had happened months before. Life sure doesn't come with an instruction manual, does it?

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    1. It took a ton of determination and I had a lot of self doubt in the beginning, it was a lot to wrap my head around and move past, that's for sure! I'm sorry your ex may have cheated you, JoJo and he hurt you the way he did. You didn't deserve that. Those EA can sometimes happen without people even realizing they are going on. I wish life had an instructional manual!!

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  16. An award for you?
    Pffft how could that come due?
    Did they take pity?
    Maybe a blind old bitty
    Who never knew any better at all
    Gave it to your hall
    And now you made me rhyme
    So I will go on for a time
    You prove you are strong
    At least more than Donkey Kong
    Yeah you beat a thing named after an ass
    Proves you have some class hahahahaha
    People give up easy now a days
    And sometimes staying pays
    The bitter ones can really annoy
    But then if you want some joy
    Give them a poke
    Or get them drunk on rum and coke
    And I guess I will stop
    Before your one eye begins to flop
    But I say write what you want
    Whether LOOOOOOOOONG or a little taunt
    As that is always the best
    Screw the rest
    I'll always be a pest
    And knock over a birds nest
    Yeah I'm mean
    And so obscene
    But oh well
    Fun to raise hell
    Now I will really go
    And no more rhymes will show
    At least for a minute or two
    Hope that doesn't make you blue
    Or green
    That would be quite the scene
    A one eyed ninja turtle
    Could be quite the hurdle

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    1. Holy crap - that was the longest rhyme on record over here Pat! Now how am I supposed to do poetry? You have put me to shame! You are certainly on a roll and don't show any signs of an injury!!! I bow down to you, but only you, not the wretched cat!!!

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    2. See put to shame
      And the cat is to blame
      Pat steals my fame
      And yeah be nice is the signs in real life went lame
      Then all would be good
      Sure soon enough in my hood

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    3. I don't give the cat any credit and if my head felt better, I'd rhyme right back! When are you going to be 100% again??

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    4. God only knows
      Body still causing me woes
      From head to toes
      Guess that is the way it goes
      Truthfully think it was food
      That caused this interlude
      Now just have to get over how it fecked me up so well
      Who knew such things could cause such hell

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    5. Now I am confused, is it the arm or is it the bum?

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  17. Replies
    1. haha...unlike my dear friend Pat, here, I believe in quality over quantity when it comes to commenting. lol....

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    2. Trust me, I appreciate ALL comments and quality is much better than quantity, especially with that poem up there LOL

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    3. PFFFFT just jealous, both of you, that is all.

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  18. You just answered a doubt I'd been having. I'm not currently dealing with an addict or anything too bad, but there's some advice here I could take anyway. I thank you for that.

    On another note this was interesting to me. I like to consider myself open minded and I also think I keep a little quiet when my opinion differs from that of the masses. Especially when it's something I know they -can't- understand. It's just interesting to see your point of view and how you work behind that. Very strong.

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    1. And you just made me feel a whole lot better, D4. I've had a rough weekend with my favorite man in all the land. I don't know if you come back and check your comments or not but this is the whole reason I blog, for comments just like this. Not to hear "you're great" or "nice post" - but to know I have helped someone in some way, some how, even if it's not directly related to my set of circumstances. ~ I hope that makes sense. I just want to help...really and truly...

      I tend to be somewhat quiet to an extent with my opinion unless I feel it can make a difference. However, I have no problem explaining why I feel the way I do in any circumstances. My life experiences have changed me - drastically. I'm glad you appreciated my view and took time to read it.

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  19. I love this post and you have answered the question I have always been meaning to ask you...yes, why do you still stay. I like your response of being more than just his addiction, and your unique history also puts you in the position to understand and help him. Thanks for sharing this ~

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    1. I'm glad I shared it and was able to help you understand why I'm still here - it's almost so basic when you think about it but it's hard to understand, I think, unless you've walked the path or know someone who has.

      Be well!!

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  20. Replies
    1. Thank you, Crazy Mama and now for some reason, I have AC/DC's song in my head LOL

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.