I’m going to tag this post as a Journal Entry and be nice and give you guys, my Hooligans, the “Danger! Will Robinson! Danger!” alert. Elsie is setting out to type a long and rambling piece of some sort….
This is my sixth or seventh attempt at trying to write this post and I can’t quite find the write (see what I did there?) way to “frame” it. Instead, I’ll just journal it from the heart…like the old days.
Yesterday was a big day for me. I completed my fifth step. This means I took my fourth step and presented it to someone I felt I could confide in.
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
After I completed my fourth step, I felt happy, I felt a sense of completion because I had been working on it for so long. I had worked through a ton of mental crap. I drudged up a lot of painful memories, some from my childhood, some from my teen years, some from my time with my first husband, then while being a widow and now, my most recent pain, being married to a sex addict and all that pain that comes with it.
I picked apart each piece, examined it a bit more carefully than I had before and put it back in its place. I was able to find forgiveness in myself for mistakes I had made in my recent past (I had already forgiven myself for old mistakes). I was able to find forgiveness for Devin for his mistakes. I have come to realize that I am able to look at Devin’s past, his addiction, the way I look at my own, without immense pain or shame. I cannot change what has happened, I can accept it, forgive him, and move forward.
That’s the path I have chosen. It is a path that may eventually lead to more pain, but it is the one I am choosing for now.
I also found character flaws I need to work on fixing and while I was aware of them and accepted them as a part of “me” yesterday…today…not so much…
Let me see if I can explain…
Yesterday, after I did my fifth step I felt, I don’t know, “free”. Imagine telling someone you kinda, sorta, almost, know, your most intimate and deep thoughts and secrets. This person has been exactly, exactly, where you have been. Walked in your shoes. Traveled your path. As you speak, you see this person nodding their head in recognition. Any fear or shame that you held for sharing your secrets is gone in a flash. *Poof* They understand. They “get it”. Been There, Done That. It didn’t matter that I had shared these things with various people throughout the years in bits and pieces or even with Devin in its entirety. There was something about sharing it, concisely, in an organized manner after having gone through it so thoroughly myself.
My moments of pain, my moments of fears, my moments of embarrassment, sprinkled with some highlights of my good qualities and my humor and dashed in with some shameful events and admissions and I came out a brand new me.
It was freeing!! I felt a weight being lifted from me yesterday as I came home and reflected and finished working in my workbook. I was elated.
Then, this morning.
I began working my sixth step:
Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
It seemed easy enough yesterday. I had admitted I had the defects, why wouldn’t I want them “removed”?
Here’s what I said the last time I talked about this:
"I'm not going to ask God to remove the "defects" of character because they make up who I am. While I'm not proud of the things I have done in my past, and I have regrets for some of things I have done, I don't think I am defective in any way. I am me and God knows me for who I am and still loves me "as is" - that's my God."
I recognize some of the things, such as to much pride or hanging onto resentment and anger, I see the need to free myself of these things. However, to “hand it over” to God and have Him release me of it?? I just don’t sit well with that. It seems to me that it’s MY job, not his.
Then again, one of my issues is control, isn’t it?
I guess I need to talk to my rockin’ counselor about this on Monday…