Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My Eyes Were Wide Shut

can't give proper credit - it floated around Facebook for a few weeks so I'll guess Fave Quotes?




How fantastic was yesterday?  I've never been so excited to see the banter and the comments go back and forth on my blog before.  It was like being DezAnne or Pat for a day (with 1/8 of the following)! Tons of fun!  I seriously don't know how you guys with a big following do it.  Thank you to all the new people who stopped by to say hello to me and to my Hooligans who went and visited Dez.  

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Here's that disclaimer I'm kind enough to provide: this post will most likely be long and rambling; it will be one full of jumbled thoughts because I'm sorting through some emotions since Devin's relapse and my decision to stay through the summer and see if his attempt at recovery improves.  It's been some what of a hit and miss thus far.  So, now's your chance - RUN to another blog - quick - if you're looking for humor or something quick.

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As I cleaned yesterday, I realized I never would have asked Devin for the divorce had he not relapsed.  For had he not relapsed his behavior would not have changed so drastically that we were unable to communicate for those few weeks leading up to that horrible weekend.  I finally understood that he felt cornered by me and was not stable enough in his recovery to react in a healthy manner.  Instead, he withdrew from me.  He told me what I wanted I wanted to hear, then did what he wanted to do regardless of my observations of shifting addictions.  This caused me to become angry and then we fought and entered into an unhealthy cycle of fighting which pushed him further away until he finally slipped then relapsed.  The red flags were there but because he had been sober for so long, over a year, I refused to fully see them.  My eyes were wide shut.  (Totally stole the movie title there.)  

Where does that leave me now?  I'm dealing with the exact same thing I was dealing with a year ago:  How will Devin handle his recovery?  The answer is clearer now than it was before.  Yet the answer is the same:  On his own.  I can't be his helping hand.  No more gentle reminders to call his sponsor (he forgot last night because he was doing his homework), or leading questions about reading his literature (which he did after his homework) or working his program (hasn't done since Friday but who's keeping track?).  

I have put his recovery back down before him.  Completely.  Mentally.  In my head it's in a brown box, taped shut and Devin stands before it...all he has to do is pick it up...it's all his now.  I'm done.  There's a box right next to it, wide open it's contents scattered across the ground.  That one is mine.  It's my recovery.  It looks pretty messy but it's not.  Everyday the box is packed and unpacked; affirmation cards read, prayers said, eyes looked at in the mirror and a mantra of affirmation of beauty and strength said, deep breaths completed...whatever else pops into my head done for the day.  That box is frayed from much use, overuse....because PTSD from a partner's sex addiction is a bitch.

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The hardest thing to recover from is broken trust.  There was no cheating during this relapse.  If there was, I'd be long gone.  There would be no Summer of Elsie, there'd be How Fast Can Elsie's Car Drive Away From Here?  And while the wise ass in me wants to say "Hooray Devin for only looking at porn" the reality is, "a lie, is a lie, is a lie."  You told me you were sober, dammit!  For a month!

The other reality is that aside from the fact that my trust factor meter has been set back to a big fat zero.  I also have to deal with Devin being in the world of readjusting to sobriety again.  He swings from complete understanding to complete self pity. I either want to hug him or hit him.  In a matter of moments. It angers me to know that all it took was me putting pressure on him for him relapse, then I sit and think no...it was him not applying himself fully into his own recovery that caused the relapse...then I get angry.  

Then, I think...why am I angry?  I didn't cause it.  It's not my fault.  I can't control it.  Only he can take control over this and then I focus back on me and back on what I plan on doing this summer...the Summer of Elsie.




>>>I have a doctor's appointment - so I'm going to hit publish, hop in the shower and take off...I'll be back to comment on your blogs this afternoon


31 comments:

  1. LOL we came like a twister here yesterday and left chaos behind :)
    Yep, when people start depending too much on you, your support, they might start using you instead of their own spine... and spineless people need a wake up call.

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    1. I loved yesterday, Dez - it was so much fun and comes well deserved!

      I agree he depends on me to much. I'd say more scared than spineless. I do agree that he needs to stop relying on me for support and I need him to otherwise we will become angry at one another - me for him not listening and him for me nagging.

      My hope was that the thought of divorce was the wake up call...of that I'm uncertain...he's to early after the relapse to tell just yet.

      Patience is a virtue and something I'm bring to learn...again.

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  2. This is one of those times that everything I want to type sounds so lame to me.

    Harder than even trusting is remembering that regardless of another person's behavior, we aren't responsible for it. How they react is on them. Period.

    We can encourage, discourage, prod, poke, even threaten someone else but their behavior is ultimately their responsibility.

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    1. It is almost as hard...for me at least =P

      Only because the trust part right now is causing so much psycho BS at the moment. A week from now will be a different story - then I'll be in complete agreement with you.

      It's a fine line between encouraging and dictating...a very, very fine line. At least for me right now because I'm so thick in it at the moment. So, I have to step back completely and merely observe and don't be blind to my surroundings.

      (I'm lecturing myself if you didn't notice)

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  3. Glad to hear you got a lot of comments yesterday! You're on your way to being the next Dez/Anne/Hatt!

    Also glad to hear your still keeping your head up as you work things out with Devin. Its a long hard road, but there is an end to it.

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    1. Oh gosh, I couldn't handle being One Of The Three hahaha

      The road is definitely long and certainly tough, he's worth the fight when he's sober - it's getting through this crap that makes me want to shake the tar out of him. lol

      Thanks, Bersercules!

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  4. The cat and those alliance cronies can go on for a while as we rant about nothing for a mile. Glad it was fun as well.

    Yeah trust is something that is hard to get back indeed, if ever. For me there will always be that nagging feeling that they could do what they did to lose it in the first place. Just have to make it more about you like you are doing and let him fix him I suppose.

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    1. I had a blast playing host to the war between the alliance and the cat - you guys make me laugh!

      That nagging feeling must have been more gone then I realized because I didn't willingly pick up on the red flags for a month when they were right in my face. I thought I'd lost trust in him completely and yet I guess enough time had passed that I let my guard back down...sadly...now I know it'll never happen again if we stay together.

      (yep another lecture to myself)

      Good way to put it: "Let him fix him" - New mantra - stolen! Thanks, Pat!!

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    2. Damn, I should have copyrighted that..hahaha

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  5. I am glad you are going to free yourself from the responsibility of monitoring, reminding,and hinting. He really has to want this for himself, or not. Fingers crossed! Love the Summer of Elsie plans... enjoy, you deserve it!!

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    1. Me too, Josie, me too. I wish I could say it's "freeing" to be free of it but it isn't. He's supposed to call his sponsor tonight but hasn't yet and he just popped a movie in and has to study...like you said, fingers crossed...

      My summer is gonna rock - I'll be with my kids, my family in NY, and at the beach and pool - holla!!

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  6. I know how hard it is to focus on yourself when all you want to do is fix someone else. I don't think I can tell you anything that you don't already know. You know that you can't force someones hand, even though you want more than ever for them to wake up and fix it.

    Much like when my wife told me I had to quit drinking and smoking... it only made me want it more. Nobody likes being told what to do.

    Just stay focused on yourself. Perhaps time away from him and the fact that he sees you living and moving on with or without him will wake him up. Just like that song goes..."You don't know what you got, till it's gone!"

    I'm just saying, could light a spark under his ass and motivate him to work on himself.

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    1. I actually thought of you, Dan...that's why I made all those visits to your blog and poked around and got all nosy on ya.

      I am sitting here and am having to restrain myself from dropping hints about, "Hey, where's your cell phone?" Because I know his sponsor will call if he doesn't hear from him. But, what good will that do him? None. If he has a decent sponsor, his sponsor will talk to him about it himself. He doesn't need me in the middle.

      (yet another self lecture - at this rate I'll never get to anyone else's blogs)

      Who knows, maybe while I'm up in NY with the kids, he'll realize just how lonely it is in this house without all of us in it and that will be his motivation?

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  7. When you switched over blogs, I took that time to read through some the much older posts and DAMN woman, you've come a long way!
    Seriously, it's like a totally different Elsie now, to the L back then.

    I am soooooooo proud of you!

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    1. Don't take offense to this, lily, but coming from a clinical/professional standpoint - I very much appreciate that! You taking the time to go back and read old posts and all after listening to crap like mine all day long. It means a lot and then to let me know you also see improvement in me like Patty does, that helps too.

      Thanks, lily!!

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    2. Ha ha! How on earth am I suppose to take offense at such lovely words as those?

      And you are always welcome Elsie, because like L'Oreal, "you're worth it"! I know, I'll shut up now.

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    3. Ah, you never know..me gleaning what I want to hear over the cyber waves and all =)

      I AM worth it!!

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  8. Trust is huge. I tell my teenage girls that when they think I'm being cool. I say it's cause they haven't lost the trust factor yet, and that should make them feel good....then I tell them they don't want to be in the position of getting it back.

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    1. My kids know how I feel about lying. They don't know about Devin but they knew about lying long before he entered the picture. Peter lied to me twice in one month and ended up having to pay his own cell phone bill on his own plan and move out of the "big" bedroom into a smaller room because of it. It's the lies I hate above all else.

      Ugh, teenage girls...I'm dreading that...

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  9. I totally get why you lost trust in him. It's hard the first time he breaks it. Then a relapse must make it even harder for him to be trusted.

    I love how you logging his sobriety treatment. That's important because it shows how much he's trying!

    Hope everything went well with the doctor :)

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    1. All went well the doctor - thanks =)

      Yeah, I'm going to keep track of his program for myself. Probably not healthy but it will help keep me grounded and also realistic and from being gas lighted at the end of the summer when I revisit my decision the marriage. I keep track of my Migraines, I'll just do his treatment the same way..

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  10. I'm glad you had fun yesterday. It's exhausting isn't it. All these crazy people gathered around your blog yipping and yapping like fools. I love it!!

    I think it's going to be like this for a while Elsie. Him trying then hiding from it all. I hope that there is an aha moment for him when he embraces the fact that his recovery is good for him and he does it for the right reasons.

    Here's to the summer of Elsie!!

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    1. I had so much fun, Anne. I would pop on see you guys just yakking back and forth - so funny!

      I don't know that I can do this for awhile...my biggest fear is that he kicks it into gear at the end of summer, knowing a "deadline" is looming and then slacks off again, becomes stagnant again.

      He has been doing it for me, to keep me happy - he has to learn to do it for himself. Only then will he embrace a real recovery.

      (yep even more self talk)

      I'm telling ya, my summer is gonna rock!!!

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  11. I was reading along, thinking things.. and before I could finish reading you placed them out there yourself, in your own words. I see you thinking things through well. It's frustrating, but your approach on these subjects.. it's nice. It's to be happy with!

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    1. Thanks, D4 - I journal a lot of jumbled crap on here but it helps me sort things out in my head. I don't always do such a great job conveying it to you guys that's why I try to give a heads up in the beginning to spare you the agony of such confusion lol

      I'm grateful you were able to see me making the progress as I sorted through it =)

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  12. Wow this says so much and really makes me understand a little more of what your going through. I see that your working so hard and have been for awhile but is he also working just as hard as you? I truly hope so for your's and your family sake. I will continue to pray and if you need a Meemaw hug it's right here (((((((HUG))))))

    Love,
    Meemaw

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    1. I don't think he's working hard yet, Meemaw..but that's not uncommon right after a relapse. I have to remember he has to mentally regroup and I am so impatient...also not uncommon. He knows there is a deadline and he knows what is expected by when. That's all I can do. Keep praying, Meemaw and keep sending those hugs!!!! I love em and I appreciate em!!

      Love,
      Elsie!

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  13. As soon as my body stops being wracked with pain and discomfort, I HAVE to check out this post from the other day! I am sorry I haven't been around much as of late. And I am sorry that you are in the shitty situation that you are in. You just do and feel what you have to do. You are the only person who can decide what is right for you. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you. I really do. I know that lost feeling...and trying to convince yourself you are doing the right thing because I do it every day - the situations are different, but I feel for you, you know? OK, I am starting to babble because all the nerve endings in my back are angry. You just keep on trucking and you will end up where you are supposed to be. <3

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    1. So sorry, Mel, my reader has been a mess updating me on new posts....I've been behind on your blog??? Please forgive, I'm down with a Migraine from hell today....

      I hope you begin feeling better yourself! What in the world! You poor thing!

      I've never gotten any indication from your posts that anything was going on in your world, for that I am sorry. I hope whatever it is gets getter.

      Thank you for all your positive thoughts, right back at ya =)

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    2. It is a very long story, and honestly, due to legal circumstances, I can not share all of the details online just yet...but when all is said and done I am going to have one hell of a new blog!! The basic story is my back is all jacked up. And I had to have something done yesterday to try and help it. I was dying when I responded and am much better today. If you like, you can leave me you email in a comment and I PROMISE NOT TO PUBLISH it!!

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    3. I'm glad you're feeling better today, Mel! Me, I've got a Migraine from hell - wretched things *eye roll*

      I'm sorry you've got legal stuff going on...that's terrible for anyone to have to go through. Let me know when you get that blog up and running - I'll get all the juicy details than =)

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.