can't give proper credit - it floated around Facebook for a few weeks so I'll guess Fave Quotes?
How fantastic was yesterday? I've never been so excited to see the banter and the comments go back and forth on my blog before. It was like being Dez, Anne or Pat for a day (with 1/8 of the following)! Tons of fun! I seriously don't know how you guys with a big following do it. Thank you to all the new people who stopped by to say hello to me and to my Hooligans who went and visited Dez.
Here's that disclaimer I'm kind enough to provide: this post will most likely be long and rambling; it will be one full of jumbled thoughts because I'm sorting through some emotions since Devin's relapse and my decision to stay through the summer and see if his attempt at recovery improves. It's been some what of a hit and miss thus far. So, now's your chance - RUN to another blog - quick - if you're looking for humor or something quick.
As I cleaned yesterday, I realized I never would have asked Devin for the divorce had he not relapsed. For had he not relapsed his behavior would not have changed so drastically that we were unable to communicate for those few weeks leading up to that horrible weekend. I finally understood that he felt cornered by me and was not stable enough in his recovery to react in a healthy manner. Instead, he withdrew from me. He told me what I wanted I wanted to hear, then did what he wanted to do regardless of my observations of shifting addictions. This caused me to become angry and then we fought and entered into an unhealthy cycle of fighting which pushed him further away until he finally slipped then relapsed. The red flags were there but because he had been sober for so long, over a year, I refused to fully see them. My eyes were wide shut. (Totally stole the movie title there.)
Where does that leave me now? I'm dealing with the exact same thing I was dealing with a year ago: How will Devin handle his recovery? The answer is clearer now than it was before. Yet the answer is the same: On his own. I can't be his helping hand. No more gentle reminders to call his sponsor (he forgot last night because he was doing his homework), or leading questions about reading his literature (which he did after his homework) or working his program (hasn't done since Friday but who's keeping track?).
I have put his recovery back down before him. Completely. Mentally. In my head it's in a brown box, taped shut and Devin stands before it...all he has to do is pick it up...it's all his now. I'm done. There's a box right next to it, wide open it's contents scattered across the ground. That one is mine. It's my recovery. It looks pretty messy but it's not. Everyday the box is packed and unpacked; affirmation cards read, prayers said, eyes looked at in the mirror and a mantra of affirmation of beauty and strength said, deep breaths completed...whatever else pops into my head done for the day. That box is frayed from much use, overuse....because PTSD from a partner's sex addiction is a bitch.
The hardest thing to recover from is broken trust. There was no cheating during this relapse. If there was, I'd be long gone. There would be no Summer of Elsie, there'd be How Fast Can Elsie's Car Drive Away From Here? And while the wise ass in me wants to say "Hooray Devin for only looking at porn" the reality is, "a lie, is a lie, is a lie." You told me you were sober, dammit! For a month!
The other reality is that aside from the fact that my trust factor meter has been set back to a big fat zero. I also have to deal with Devin being in the world of readjusting to sobriety again. He swings from complete understanding to complete self pity. I either want to hug him or hit him. In a matter of moments. It angers me to know that all it took was me putting pressure on him for him relapse, then I sit and think no...it was him not applying himself fully into his own recovery that caused the relapse...then I get angry.
Then, I think...why am I angry? I didn't cause it. It's not my fault. I can't control it. Only he can take control over this and then I focus back on me and back on what I plan on doing this summer...the Summer of Elsie.
>>>I have a doctor's appointment - so I'm going to hit publish, hop in the shower and take off...I'll be back to comment on your blogs this afternoon