Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Compartmentalization showed herself to me



Like the threat of venomous snake’s bite, Compartmentalization showed herself to me briefly yesterday morning as she ran across the hazel of Devin’s eyes.  In a blink she was gone but not before leaving a slight tear across my stomach causing it to awaken.  Familiar feelings of doubt entered into my brain and caused me to enter into a state of hyper arousal.  Rather than fight the feeling, I allowed myself to stay a in a low state of vigilance, remaining aware of any red flags the remainder of the day and reflect back upon what had just happened a few minutes earlier to cause the look in Devin’s eyes.

I proceeded with my day using calming techniques to avoid escalating into full hyper arousal and hyper vigilant activities.  I left the house to stay away from Devin’s computers so I didn’t hack into them.  I ran errands and stay busy.  I prayed, I affirmed my strengths and I assured myself that the gut instinct I had was real and not imagined.

Throughout the day the red flags began to reveal themselves to me.  The various telltale signs that Devin shows when he has had a slip or relapse.  The urge to confront him about my suspicions was strong but I waited until our FANOS session that evening.

During FANOS, “O” is for OWERSHIP – a chance to apologize for any wrong doings, however Devin has been using this as a chance to say “it's been another sober day” for the last two weeks and using “S” as his list for what he’s done for Self-care to keep sober. 

We each took our turns and as the same for the last two weeks, “been another sober day” left his lips, but compartmentalization showed herself to me yet again.  She was lurking behind his eyes, which he quickly turned away from me.

When asked again, the truth of the relapse came out in full.   He broke one of his inner-circle behaviors.  When he told me, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t cry, I simply thanked him for being honest and reminded him about the importance of being open and honest with me during FANOS the first time.  He responded by letting me know that because I didn’t get upset, I had made it easier for him to do just that if a slip or relapse happened again.  He went on to assure me exactly what happened and that it didn't include any other bottom line behaviors.

After FANOS we sat and we talked for a long, long time. 
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Compartmentalization showed herself to me this morning in the form of denial.  She never ceases to amaze me by her never ending supply of masks.  She is a sneaky little bitch.  I hope Devin can kick her ass because I want my husband back from her.  I miss him terribly.

49 comments:

  1. I guess my moment of glory is over! Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!

    I'm sure this is difficult but at least he is learning to be a little more honest with you. I hope your husband can free himself of that snake so you can have him back.

    Take care Elsie, wishing the best for you and D!

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  2. we do hate all kind of treacherous snakes!
    Hope Devin will handle this well too.

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    1. Thank you Dezz. He made an appointment with our counselor and called his sponsor. We shall see.

      Stupid snakes!

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  3. Yeah, I got tired of looking at your face so I pissed Devin off and made relapse - just kidding!! I know it has nothing to do with me. Got to keep a bit of humor to keep from crying and falling apart.

    You still have some comments over on your post though, they were under moderation so be sure and check them out ....

    Devin and I will keep on working on ourselves and hopefully things will see their way through.

    Thanks, Dan!

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  4. Ugh! Deep breaths...stay strong!! Have a cupcake! Hugs

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    1. mmmm - cupcakes! I'm meeting him for lunch, I might just grab a cupcake lol - Thanks, Mel - I hope your anniversary went well, I haven't gone blog running yet. I'm laying kinda low today....

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    2. Honestly, it wasn't much of an anniversary, yet (so he claims). I think he wants to get me a puppy. Well that's all fine and well, but one more thing for me to take care of...I think HE would like a puppy. I would like to sleep. That would be priceless...

      Have a good lunch...positive thoughts...serious about the cupcake...they help a lot!

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    3. Lunch turned out to be very productive, Mel =) But, they didn't serve cupcakes there =(

      A puppy sounds like fun but only if you BOTH want one, otherwise it's work! We have three dogs, but that's what happens when we volunteer at local shelter LOL - no wonder we quit.

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  5. Lovey . . . I'm always amazed at how hard you work at all of this stuff . . . dealing with it, working through it together etc. If I put a tenth of the amount of work into dealing with my "downfalls", I'm sure I would be sorted by now. But I do keep trying.
    You're amazing, love and hugs x

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    1. Nah, I'm not even close to amazing. I'm just me. I've been where he is now and it's a lot to sort out in his head. If he wants it, he has to pick it up and take it. He's still waiting for me to hand it to him like I've always done. Once he sees I'm not going to that for him, he'll understand he has to do it himself. He's smart. He'll do it. I have faith in him.

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  6. At least the honesty is coming out more and more, let's hope it stays that way. And totally enjoyed your past NY zoo by the way, quite the fun display.

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    1. You Pat, you actually bring up a good point. Usually it takes me pushing him a few times for the truth and last night I asked once and he said, "Who am I kidding? No, I'm not sober...." after the first time I questioned him. Progress? Hmm Food for thought.

      I LOVED knowing you were at my old stomping grounds, Pat!!! I can't wait to hear the rhymes flying from that trip!!!!!

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    2. The rhymes will fly indeed, quite a few I'm sure at my feed.

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    3. I read on Gloria's blog that you didn't try pizza??? Is that true, Pat? No NY pizza? Say it isn't so!!!!

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    4. haha yeah I've never eaten pizza and we weren't sure I'd like it, so I forwent that one. But you never know, as I will one day return to the NY show and may try it then.

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    5. Just added you to the rhyming sidebar as well, at my cell. See the cat can be kind of nice..haha

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    6. Oh my gosh, I personally guarantee you will like, if not LOVE NY pizza!! (I'm totally disregarding the fact that my husband finds it quite disgusting) We all love it!!! I'm happy to know you'll be headed back. We are going in July.

      Hmmm, me thinks Pat had more to with adding Elsie to the sidebar than the cat! Thank you so very much. *blushing and stuff*

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  7. I agree with every thing bugerlugs wrote. You are amazing and work so hard in fighting for your relationship.

    You gave Devin the tools that he needed to be more honest with you in the future and that's a huge achievement.
    It's up to him now, whether he chooses to exercise it or not.

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    1. I'll tell you the same, not amazing...just learning. Plus, I've walked in the same shoes twenty years ago. Just a different way. His disease is much more complicated than mine. Mine I just put down and walked away when I had enough, his is to deeply embedded. It's going to take more mental work on his part. He'll pick it up...I hope...when he sees I won't do it for him anymore.

      If not, I'll send him into your Children of the Corn field =P

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  8. OMG I hate snakes, always:(
    Hope Devin will be OK:)

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    1. LOL - we actually own a snake - for real =)

      Thank you, Gloria!

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  9. I'm glad that in the end he confessed and was honest with you. It's worse when things are kept from you or if you are lied to. Kudos also for keeping your cool :)

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    1. We just finished talking about that. Thankfully, he said it was why he came forward so quickly and said next time he wouldn't wait for me to ask, he would just use FANOS the way it was intended.

      Whew - Good lunch talk!! =)

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    1. Thank you Debra. I hate to say it, but I felt kind proud of myself...

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  11. Oh man don't show me that snake! LOL we have two snakes in our yard we are trying to get rid of. Oh you mean that kind of snake... those are harder to get rid of lol.

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    1. Two snakes?? What in the world are they doing?

      We live near the woods and our neighbors have problems with snakes coming into their yards too. Yikes!

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    2. We'll we got the bright idea to feed the wild rabbits carrots and I think it's attracted snakes now. Soon enough we will have enough animals to be called a small zoo and start selling tickets.

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    3. Oh, my gosh, that's funny, Matt. Just better hope the snakes don't start eating the poor rabbits! =(

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  12. Well I hope he can kick her ass. Well done you for keeping yourself busy and calm and waiting for the right time, and well done to him for coming out about it. As long as the two of you stay calm and honest then nothing should be able to stop you.

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    1. Thank you, Mark. I think he can.

      I agree, we both need to continue to work hard on ourselves. As long as we both do that, nothing will get in our way!!

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  13. It is hard giving up - I've just come from a meeting with a girl crying and saying how she "f***ed up" - but she just drank after 3 month sober and she just did what an alcoholic will just do which is drink... Recovery is not easy

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    1. I read this yesterday and was nodding my head and Devin asked me what it was I was reading and it prompted a whole new conversation. "Recovery is not easy" - such simple words but powerful because they are so true.

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  14. The way this started off.. I really thought it would end badly. I'm glad it all managed to play out in both of your favors. This is the stuff that keeps you strong, keep going!

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    1. Thanks, D4. I wasn't sure how it was going to play out either as it was happening to be honest. Thankfully, we are communicating better now as a result.

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  15. Keep up the good work Elsie. I'm still lurking around but got a lot of shit going on in my head but I see all your comments and skim all your posts.

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    1. Thanks for lurking, Barfly!! I hope everything is alright with you???? I haven't seen anything unusual on your blog????

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  16. I don't understand this post. Who is compartmentalisation? Do you have a pet snake?

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    1. It's a coping mechanism addicts use to deal with their behavior when they know what they are doing is wrong and it goes against their morals. Click on the link it'll bring you to a "real" definition. They box their behavior in so they can function in every day life while still doing things they don't want to really do in their addict life.

      Yes..we do have a snake LOL

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  17. Yes I say kick her to the curb. I am so proud of you for being so strong and working so hard for Devin and your family. I hope he can do it and I will continue to pray.

    Love,
    Meemaw

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    1. Meemaw!!!! He has to kick her to the curb and I think he will....he just needs to pick up the pieces again and focus. Thank you for the prayers!!

      Love,
      Elsie

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  18. I read. I never know what to say so I will just say, HELLOOOOOO!!!! Haha :)

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    1. LOL - Hi Bama!! I appreciate you stopping by and reading and taking the time to say hello. That means a lot to me, it really does - thank you!

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  19. It's always hard to read this. I know it seems difficult, but no matter what it sounds like he's making progress. As I've said before, denial is one sneaky sumbitch. Most people don't even realize it until it becomes too much, because denial often masks itself as 'justification.'

    I'm pulling for you. We both are!

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  20. I think that because I am so enmeshed in it that sometimes it's hard to step back and truly see that he's making progress. It's very true, denial does mask itself as justification and he went that direction in our talk that night after FANOS and I had to point it out, thankfully he didn't fight it - again, progress...

    Thanks you two!!

    BTW -I'm so glad you guys are making Slim a regular guy on your blog - he is a funny character!

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  21. My goodness, Elsie. You're fighting hard, alright. I don't quite know what to say except that any guy who has a woman fighting that hard for him and their relationship is one lucky son of a gun, whether he knows it or not. I mean, really. It's a rare thing. I raise my hat for you. :)

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  22. Thank you, RCB. He knows he's lucky. Every so often I have to kick him in the rear and get his mind right =)

    Seriously though, it does take a lot of work at this point and as long as I continue to see progress and not stagnation, I'll stay. Otherwise, I'll leave.

    Thanks again!!

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  23. I'll be praying for you and Devin. I am also going to see this as a sign that I need to start working my program again. I've been far to angry lately, and need to get my bum back to my group meetings.

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    1. Thank you NellieVaughn. You never cease to surprise and amaze me over here and on your blog. I'll hold you in my thoughts and prayers too. I go to a support group myself and although I'm not the one with the addiction, I find that just being around people who have loved ones and have "been there, done that" helps so much. Hope you find peace soon!!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm here to help any way I can.