Like the threat of venomous snake’s bite, Compartmentalization showed herself to me briefly yesterday morning as she ran across the hazel of Devin’s eyes. In a blink she was gone but not before leaving a slight tear across my stomach causing it to awaken. Familiar feelings of doubt entered into my brain and caused me to enter into a state of hyper arousal. Rather than fight the feeling, I allowed myself to stay a in a low state of vigilance, remaining aware of any red flags the remainder of the day and reflect back upon what had just happened a few minutes earlier to cause the look in Devin’s eyes.
I proceeded with my day using calming techniques to avoid escalating into full hyper arousal and hyper vigilant activities. I left the house to stay away from Devin’s computers so I didn’t hack into them. I ran errands and stay busy. I prayed, I affirmed my strengths and I assured myself that the gut instinct I had was real and not imagined.
Throughout the day the red flags began to reveal themselves to me. The various telltale signs that Devin shows when he has had a slip or relapse. The urge to confront him about my suspicions was strong but I waited until our FANOS session that evening.
During FANOS, “O” is for OWERSHIP – a chance to apologize for any wrong doings, however Devin has been using this as a chance to say “it's been another sober day” for the last two weeks and using “S” as his list for what he’s done for Self-care to keep sober.
We each took our turns and as the same for the last two weeks, “been another sober day” left his lips, but compartmentalization showed herself to me yet again. She was lurking behind his eyes, which he quickly turned away from me.
When asked again, the truth of the relapse came out in full. He broke one of his inner-circle behaviors. When he told me, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t cry, I simply thanked him for being honest and reminded him about the importance of being open and honest with me during FANOS the first time. He responded by letting me know that because I didn’t get upset, I had made it easier for him to do just that if a slip or relapse happened again. He went on to assure me exactly what happened and that it didn't include any other bottom line behaviors.
After FANOS we sat and we talked for a long, long time.
Compartmentalization showed herself to me this morning in the form of denial. She never ceases to amaze me by her never ending supply of masks. She is a sneaky little bitch. I hope Devin can kick her ass because I want my husband back from her. I miss him terribly.