Sunday, April 22, 2012

Revisiting Old Emotions (March 2011)

The night before last I had a rough night.  It was full of nightmares and then finally settled into insomnia.  With that insomnia came wandering thoughts.  The wandering thoughts started to become unhealthy and then downright damaging.  I began feeling such rage and hatred towards the man lying asleep peacefully beside me.  I thought I had left those feelings behind me months ago, but there they were rearing their ugly heads.  I started doing my relaxation breathing.  Doing my FRC (a technique I learned from Candeo online - a great recovery program for SA), then tried guided imagery.  Nothing worked.

The thoughts became so ugly and vile I found myself full of resentment for what he had done.  I was repulsed just lying there next to him.  I finally got up from the bed and went into the bedroom and hoped and prayed for sleep.  It didn't come for a long while.  I ended up lying there and the mind movies took over.  Again, something I hadn't dealt with in so long aside for some flare ups when we are being intimate.  I imagined him in the dressing room of the department store with his skanky whore going down on him; flashed to him showering with his co-worker; another mind movie of another woman on her knees....cycling these blasted mind movies over and over again.  I wanted to post on here but was afraid the post would be so full of hatred and be so vile....I'd regret posting it.

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