The night before last I had a rough night. It was full of nightmares and then finally settled into insomnia. With that insomnia came wandering thoughts. The wandering thoughts started to become unhealthy and then downright damaging. I began feeling such rage and hatred towards the man lying asleep peacefully beside me. I thought I had left those feelings behind me months ago, but there they were rearing their ugly heads. I started doing my relaxation breathing. Doing my FRC (a technique I learned from Candeo online - a great recovery program for SA), then tried guided imagery. Nothing worked.
The thoughts became so ugly and vile I found myself full of resentment for what he had done. I was repulsed just lying there next to him. I finally got up from the bed and went into the bedroom and hoped and prayed for sleep. It didn't come for a long while. I ended up lying there and the mind movies took over. Again, something I hadn't dealt with in so long aside for some flare ups when we are being intimate. I imagined him in the dressing room of the department store with his skanky whore going down on him; flashed to him showering with his co-worker; another mind movie of another woman on her knees....cycling these blasted mind movies over and over again. I wanted to post on here but was afraid the post would be so full of hatred and be so vile....I'd regret posting it.