Sunday, April 22, 2012

O' Christmas Tree

image from: themeparkradio.wordpress.com


 No sooner did the Christmas displays start showing up in the stores, then my triggers starting creeping up on me again.  Little whispers of emotions playing tricks on my brain, reminding me of last year's final disclosure days.  My week of hell on earth, ending with me conducting a formal interview of my husband, complete with pen and pad, collecting the details of his affairs.  Looking back, I know that this approach was a mistake, that the psychiatrists are right, it does cause unnecessary trauma.  I also know that given the chance to do it over again, I'd do it exactly the same way.  It's who I am, right or wrong, I have to know every last detail or be tormented by the unknown otherwise.  It was the unknown that kept me up at night, crying out in my sleep, yelling myself awake.


As I move closer to a year from my disclosure days, my anxiety levels are rising despite all the distractions I have in place.  For once I'm going to take my counselor's advice.  She told me to just "go with it".  When I feel the trigger approach, instead of squashing it before it starts, or analyzing it to death, just allow myself to feel it, to process it and roll with it and see what happens.  Since Devin is open to my triggers and willing to help me through them, she suggested that I also get him involved whenever possible too, instead of trying to protect him from them.

Today I did just that.  In an effort to create new memories and traditions, we took advantage of having our son home from college and began putting up Christmas decorations.  I intentionally avoided the ornament the kids gave us to celebrate our anniversary last year, but Devin took down the tree he kept at his office to get to other boxes.  No sooner did I see the box and the ornaments that went with it then the memories came rushing forth like bile.  I asked Devin to put the box back in the closet, I told him I couldn't look at it this year and went into the bedroom and allowed myself to be angry at him and then cried for a few minutes. Devin came into the bedroom to check on me and told me he had taken the tree, the ornaments, and all the decorations that he used to have in his office and thrown them in the garbage outside.  He got on his knees, wrapped his arms around my waist and simply said he was sorry for all the pain he caused me.  Then he got up and walked away and let me be alone....it was exactly what I needed.

I needed to know that he was sorry.   I needed to know that he understood that I was being reminded of him cheating on me with a co-worker by seeing something from his office.  I needed to cry.

Most of all, I needed to feel the trigger so I could get on with the rest of my day which went splendidly well.   My tree is up and I am content.

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