Sunday, April 22, 2012

My Slippery Slope (November 2011)






I guess that slippery slope isn't just for the addict in our lives is it?  What I find profoundly startling right now is that the more work I do on myself, the more I find that I'm not without my own faults too.  I was never under any illusion that I am Miss Perfect over here.  Miss High and Mighty, sitting upon my throne, looking down my nose at the poor sex addict who, simply must be on the very verge of a slip, or, heaven forbid a relapse, at a moments notice!  No, no...I knew that I too had work to do too.  I just chose to push that work into a little corner of my mind, tag it for "later" and move along and keep a steadfast eye on Devin and then focus on my emotional traumas as they popped up and go about my daily business.  It makes perfect sense.  I can't be expected to work diligently on myself if I forever am being traumatized by one trigger or another, right?  Right!

However, what if I'm causing myself to trigger? What then Sherlock?  Several smart ass sayings come to mind:

Patient:  "Hey, doc, my knee hurts when I bend it"
Doctor:   "Then don't bend it"

Or

Common Sense Ain't So Common

Hey Elsie - What the hell are you are talking about?? Hang on, I'm getting there.  As I mentioned in my blog, Work I Need To Do, the other day, I have a simmering anger beneath the surface towards Devin and his affairs.  (I have got to stop saying "Acting Out" because, hey, he cheated on me, after all).  This anger seems to be there quite a bit lately and I'm not sure if it's because I just finished my first step and all that went with that or because I'm getting closer to my DDay from hell week one-year mark.  Or, how about this boys and girls...it even crossed my mind that I may even be getting angry because he's almost done with the shed and now that he's sober, working on the shed, going to school and doing all the right things, well shit...what have I got left to be mad at him for BUT the past??  How's that for psycho babble at it's best??

And why did my mind even go there?  Because of my own slippery slope today (told you I'd get there).  I had a Migraine last night which kept me up so I called in sick to work and slept in.  I woke up feeling better, not 100% but better (yea Botox!) and decided I'd go ahead and back up my files from my PC to my Apple.  Those files included some of my hyper-vigilant files.   Things like The List of women, our Boundary Agreement, information I dug up, emails and things like that.  Instead of just uploading it to my email I began to read one the emails but then closed out of it before I got to wrapped up in it.  I found myself on my own slippery slope.

That was when the lightbulb went off for me.  I was triggering myself.  I could feel my anxiety levels rise and the anger setting in and occurred to me, duh, I just brought this on myself.  This all could have just been avoided.  How simple.  No more reading the old emails.  No more fake Facebook accounts to gather information.  It's all been done.  I can't get anymore from his past.  No more looking at sex addict's blogs.  It has to end or I'm only going to keep hurting myself and I'll never stop being angry at him or myself.

So, after I post this, I'm going to back up the nasty disgusting emails into one folder labeled simply "For Lawyer", instead of each woman's name.  In case you're wondering, I'm rolling my own eyes and shaking my own head.  But, as they say, progress not perfection, right?  =P



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